I’m not a snob but…

[Sir_Nigel]

The other day I ventured to a shop in town called 99p-world ‘Yes - everything is 99p!’ proclaimed the strapline, just in case you hadn’t quite grasped the concept from the name alone. It seemed the ideal place to buy some cheap pictures frames and I'm not proud so I went in.

 

Maybe I’d caught it on a bad day but it appeared that every council estate, every pub on every council estate, every parole office, every dole office, every betting shop, every care-in-the-community-chuck-em-in-there-cos-nobody-else-wants-the-poor-buggers-home in the city had emptied its contents into that shop. Everywhere I looked, in every aisle, behind every display were sickly, pimply, feckless, slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging, misshapen, dull-eyed, furrow-browed, gurgling, gurning and very possibly inbred examples of humanity. I felt like I'd died and gone to Rotherham. And why were so many of them so incredibly, astoundingly, eye-wateringly – and there’s no polite way of putting this – SMELLY. Why? The soap’s only 99p!

 

Skirting quickly around a couple of unsupervised snotty-nosed urchins, I squeezed through a bovine family of identically football-shirted fatties, avoided the mad ranting man who was cursing the shower gel and headed for the picture frames.

 

Here, a teenage Chavette, hair scraped up severely into the inevitable ponytail on top of her head, was trying to beat her crotchety infant to sleep in its pram "I've told you - effing shut up and go to sleep!" - was her sweet lullaby to the child as she slapped its legs. Nearby a bunch of feral, empty-eyed, sallow-faced youths lurked, intent on furtively pocketing even these virtually worthless products. I quickly chose some frames and patiently joined the checkout queue.

 

But the excitement wasn’t over yet because in front of me a skanky tattooed couple were having a full effing volume effing blinding row and airing their extensive dirty washing in public. I didn’t catch all the details but apparently the tattooed lady before me was a slag. The lady herself maintained that the tattooed gentleman who had made this wicked allegation should shut his face because he was a total c**t and should just Eff Off back to that effing little slut Stacey he’s been shagging. I raised my eyebrows at him in sympathy – yeah it’s the age old question mate – stick with the slag or go with the slut. Actually, that didn’t happen, I was too busy studying my shoes. Behind me, apparently unconcerned by all this commotion, unconcerned by anything at all except where his next bottle of Thunderbird was coming from, stood a guy who smelt like a neglected urinal and had little notion of the concept of ‘personal space’. So here I stood politely waiting with my little economy picture frames.

 

Then finally, I paid my £2.97 and was free. Free to breathe again, free to look people in the eye, free not to feel like a big girl’s blouse for changing my clothes on a regular basis. Now I’m safely back in the world of the washed and the upright where tattoos and logo strewn designer sports gear are comparatively rare and I’m not afraid to catch a glimpse of people’s teeth.

 

There I've said it. Call me Mr Snobby Opinionated old Precious Pants Who Thinks He’s Better Than Everyone Else Or Something but I had to get that out of my system. I’m sure I’ll laugh about it one day.

[Bloomdido]

What a brilliant post. Made my morning.

[mikomi]

You see Nigel ,if you had gone to Pound-Land you would get a better sort of clientele there .I know its a penny more but, Oh! so much worth it .

[Mantaspook]

Marvellous! Its like one of the more lucid rants from another section of the forum, however, the imagery is a lot more comical, I particularly liked the following:

 

“I felt like I'd died and gone to Rotherham.”

 

“a guy who smelt like a neglected urinal”

 

“the mad ranting man who was cursing the shower gel”

 

Nice writing!

 

Yes we’ve been there and done that, personally I’d rather get my picture frames from Wilkinsons…does that make me a snob?

[bensonhedges]

What a brilliant post. The only problem of course is that, at the rate these ferrals breed at, they'll soon be in the majority and then we can all go to hell in a handcart.

[pattricia]

Absolutely brilliant. I believe the shop in question is where the old ABC cinema used to be. Angel St, I think. I can picture it now, just as you describe it. :D:D:D:D

[coyleys]

I don’t know what it is? It may be something in your writing that gives it away, but I get the distinct impression that you don’t like the shop or the cliental.

 

Absolutely Marvellous! Very descriptive, I do like the Rotherham reference.

Nice one Nigel

[Kaimani]

blew me away. i can smell the people just from your post. and i need a shower!!!! beautiful. i can just imagine you writing a letter to some shop, company or something you're not happy with. i wouldn't want to be on the receiving end.

hope you liked the picture frames.

[max]

I suggest you disinfect the frames prior to use otherwise you may be reminded of your sojourn in hell whenever you switch the heating on.

[steve_m]

I'm not a snob but.

 

 

You could have fooled me mate