Would you expect to pay heating bills for your child to go to visit grandparents

[Bonny 10]

I always have a bag made up for my little one which generally contains enough nappies/nappy sacks, wipes and a change of clothes. If we go anywhere then I make sure there's always more than enough of whatever he may need - clothes, food, toys etc. I wouldn't ever EXPECT anyone else to have to provide anything for him. That said, when we go to my parents they always make sure they have things in that he likes. When OH takes him to his parents OH always goes to the supermarket and does a shop for them which he pays for. That way no-one is ever out of pocket.

 

I also have a grandson that I see very regularly. I buy nappies for him just in case I ever need them - but my daughter always makes sure she has enough with her so I usually end up giving her the nappies before he grows into the next size.

 

I think it's a bit strange the grandmother asking for extra money for heating, although if she's anything like my MIL she'll think she's perfectly justified and believe she's right.

 

I'd probably tell her that you've no problem with making sure she's not out of pocket at all when her grandchild visits but also remind her that if she's turning the heating up especially for the little one then she shouldn't be - previous poster has given the ideal temperatures - she's probably not aware of it (a lot of older people worry about things like this) and she probably has got it into her head that she's having to turn the heating up, the fuel prices are going through the roof and she's worried about what the bill will be. I'd be tempted to reduce how often she had her grandchild too.

[happyhippy 11]

I'm terribly sorry to have to say this, but it sounds like the early stages of dementia: I wouldn't be surprised if she becomes increasingly forgetful, carries on losing other faculties at an alarming rate, becomes unable to do simple things like washing and cooking, and wets her bed. Pretty soon she may need to be in a care home.

 

Granted, dementia can set in at any age, but it would be very early as she receives JSA which will probably make her 59 at the oldest (new claims after that tend to be for Pension Credit).

[stella_fan26 10]

sorry I havn't kept up with this thread I went for an early night. she is 55 and very strong minded I doubt there is any dementia but I know its a possability

I really didn't want an argument between people, just opinions - of which I have taken on board

I recieved an email from her saying she doesn't want to lose contact with A* but she cant afford to stump up everything, to which I replied:

I am more than happy to provide nappies, wipes, milk, clothes, travel, and anything else she may need whilst there - as I always have done, right from the 1st time she ever slept over but I feel it unfare of you to ask me to contribute towards your heating and house running costs. If however you are having financial problems at the moment and this being the reason you have asked then I will be happy to help out and give you money towards your bills and anything I can help with I will. If you are having problems please speak to me and you know I will do my best to help you,

I am the first person to help anyone in a crisis - you know that,

I waffled on about other things aswell but thats here nor there for this topic,

just awaiting a reply

[Bago 10]

By the way, even if she is struggling, and is a proud woman who is unsure of you. You can always make suggestions to reduce her heating bills, even if you don't have the money to help her out. You may have to suggest it to her and see what she thinks.

 

- Changing energy suppliers to the cheapest one around her area

http://www.uswitch.com/

 

- Get cavity walls installed, there is a government scheme for certain elderlies. Check and see if this is available in her area?

http://www.energysavingtrust.org.uk/proxy/view/full/2019/grantsandofferssearch

 

- Consider heat-proofing her home, if this is cheaper longer-term.

http://www.consumerdirect.gov.uk/EnergySupplyandPost/energysupply/563257/561430

http://www.energysavingtrust.org.uk/Home-improvements/Home-insulation-glazing

 

I just hope everything works out for you.

[Dhimmi 10]

Granted, dementia can set in at any age, but it would be very early as she receives JSA which will probably make her 59 at the oldest (new claims after that tend to be for Pension Credit).

Yes, people in their 40s and 50s are sometimes diagnosed with dementia. Your point is?

[happyhippy 11]

Yes, people in their 40s and 50s are sometimes diagnosed with dementia. Your point is?

 

Simply that people often only think of dementia in very elderly people, and the person in question wouldn't fit into that age bracket. Not difficult to grasp.

[coco_custard 10]

This thread is a sad indictment of how things have changed in this country.

 

I have never heard anything like this before. All of my friend's parents love having their grandchildren to stay as do my ex husband's (unfortunately I have lost both my parents). None of them ask for money. Of course you send nappies and other special items. I often send items of food but gift items such as honey, biscuits, cakes etc. Not everyday items.

 

My best friend's mum looks after her son after school until she gets home from work. She never asks for any money and she gives him his tea. It gives her pleasure to have her grandchild around and keeps her busy. My friend brings bits around and buys her mum a takeaway from time to time.

 

Parents are there to support their children; unfortunately our lives have become so dominated by money that old fashioned family values have gone out of the window.

 

 

Well said

 

My folks provide absolutely everything (without being asked) I used to send a fully loaded bag with everything my little one needed but my mum & even my dad love shopping for her so much they just buy clothes, toys, wipes nappies etc for her so that any time they can just turn up & whisk her away to give me a little break or so I can work a bit extra.

 

They don't see it as any kind of chore, they wasted no time in turning my old room into the new 'nursery' And just loved doing it. They live an hour away & think nothing of picking her up to save me a journey if I've been working just so they can spend time with her. They are the best grandparents ever I just can't believe anyone would want paying to have their own grandchild & if this were the case I couldn't live with myself letting her go to visit without me. I'd just shudder thinking of all those parents who have kids thinking of all the benefits they get & not giving enough love to the child.

 

Really hope OP doesn't get a nasty response to a decently thought out email reply.

[emmie 10]

I find it crazy that any grand-parent would ask for money towards heating. Ok i don't hav ekids of my own so i only my experiences as a grandchild!! My gran used to spoil us rotten - she saw it as her god given right as our gran. She'd come round to our house for sunday dinner and bring us sweets for when we were done, she took us out for day trips or would spend hours helping us bake cakes and buns and reading with us and playing games. If we went to her house there were always biscuits and toys and she had clothe for us there if we needed them. She never asked mum and dad for anything and refused if they offered. She just liked seeing us and we liked seeing her. Mum and dad are praying for the day me or my brother add to the family numbers and will no doubt be exactly the same as their parents were with us- blooming fab grand parents.

[rothschild 10]

Just a thought here.........does granny really want to be a granny? Could it be that her behaviour is as such because deep down she resents the fact that she is now a grandmother?

I adore my grandson with a passion and our house is like a second home to him. He is the product of a failed relationship between my son and his ex so things aren't as they are now through a fluke! It's only during this past year that son and ex have even been speaking to each other! Before that it was daggers drawn but we have had to make sure that the mother of our grandson knew that we weren't taking sides. It's taken a lot of hard work to gain the trust of our grandson's mother etc. BUT.......it has allways been worth it. Since his birth he has been coming here on a weekly basis and as a result the house is filled with childrens toys etc etc. There is childrens cough linctus/calpol in the medicine box, washing gear in the bathroom, clothes in the cupboards etc. He knows where everything is kept and often reminds me! lol. It is his second home. He often stops over and loves doing so. Never any tears at bedtime etc.

From being born we have kept our own supplies of everything he might need. I have never once asked his mum for anything. We have bought cots and high chairs to babywalkers and bouncers. You name it and we have bought it. The house is now full of toys and all the other stuff that goes with a 5 year old. To an outsider they might think that a child of that age lives here. lol

To me that's what being a grandparent is all about. We WANT our grandson here and we love every moment that he is here. It isn't necessarily that we can afford to buy all these things but we have made sure that we squeeze the money from somewhere. Neither have all the things bought over the years been brand new.......we have bought second hand.

My own mother in law shunned our children in favour of her 2 daughters kids so I know what it's like. Her darling son was her only boy and also her youngest child. She never forgave him for marrying me! It wouldn't have mattered who he married they wouldn't have been good enough anyhow. lol. She never succeeded in driving a wedge between us and she is now the victim of her own behaviour in as much as our kids just don't bother with her! She gave her all to her daughters kids but wouldn't so much as babysit for us. If ever ours asked to stop over she would say no because her daughters kids were stopping over and she hadn't got the room! Funny thing is that her daughters kids don't bother much with her either now!

What goes around comes around......eventually. You only get back what you are prepared to put in and if I was in your position right now I would be asking myself just why this woman wants her grandaughter there if it's such an inconvenience to her!

I'm sorry to say it but my own feelings are that this woman is struggling to feel "grandmotherly". Maybe you should pity her because in the end it will be her that loses out.

[WoodForWood 10]

Thankyou. I appriciate your replies, I know for definate she is not in debt or struggling she just doesnt want to be a little out of pocket thats all,

If I keep her here and not let her go, my name is mud for stopping her seeing her grand daughter and all her little family gang up on me

I just cant win.

 

Pay the train fare for your Mother in law to visit your house, but then charge her board, as she wants to with her grandchild. Tell her it's for laundry, food and heating!

 

p.s. More seriously, my instinct is to tell her 'no' (not that that is practicable). There are costs to entertaining grandkids, and, most likely, she has nothing in the way of the living expenses that you'll have... e.g. modern mortgage repayments etc. It may just be that she sees you as rich, which may be comparatively true, or it may not...

[Greybeard 10]

Hi my daughter goes to visit her nanna for the weekend whenever she offers ( she lives about an hour away on the train, I dont drive she does )

She went this weekend, my partner took her ( its his mum ) and she asked ( as always ) for a pack of nappies and wipes, also this time she asked for some money to put on her heating because shell have to have her heating on more while my daughter is there ( she is 18 month ) now I said no way and took the big hump on as this is her grand daughter, so now she is wanting us to stump up for travel, nappies, wipes, her heating, now she is moaning about clothes and food!!

am I right in being mad and refusing her demands as this is her grandchild or am I just being mean & tight.

 

Much depends on what advantage you take of a weekend's freedom from the responsibility of looking after your daughter and whether you welcome the opportunity to do things you otherwise wouldn't be able to.

 

What's the hourly rate for child-minding ?

 

We as grandparents have been giving this kind of support to our children for almost twenty years now and never counted the cost - but there undoubtedly are costs and they're not always easily affordable.

[Josie1996 10]

baby stuff wipes etc, yes provide but heating and food, not really but perhaps ask how much she pays per week in heating then break it down per day then per hour and just pay for when your child is there, a bit pedantic perhaps