Would you expect to pay heating bills for your child to go to visit grandparents

[Suffragette1 10]

Even if this is just paying lip service to her responsibility? Would that do more harm than good in your opinion?

 

I think so yes, in the longer term, when the kids grow up they will realise. They need to be surrounded by people who geneuinely love, care and want to be with them, not someone whos is doing it out of guilt and a sense of duty. That's why I suggested babysitting, that way she can put the kids to bed, doesn't have to spend too much with them but helps her parents out in the process.

[*bobcat* 10]

Hi my daughter goes to visit her nanna for the weekend whenever she offers ( she lives about an hour away on the train, I dont drive she does )

She went this weekend, my partner took her ( its his mum ) and she asked ( as always ) for a pack of nappies and wipes, also this time she asked for some money to put on her heating because shell have to have her heating on more while my daughter is there ( she is 18 month ) now I said no way and took the big hump on as this is her grand daughter, so now she is wanting us to stump up for travel, nappies, wipes, her heating, now she is moaning about clothes and food!!

am I right in being mad and refusing her demands as this is her grandchild or am I just being mean & tight.

 

 

Having read a bit of the thread, Id say there is something running a little deeper then her wanting you to pay her heating bills.

At a guess, id say she is not happy her son is with you due to you already having a family, and maybe her thinking her son could have done better, and this is her silly way of punishment?

Your saying that if you dont send the grandchild then everyone will jump on your back for it, which indicates there is already some animosity?

I do think its right you pay for clothes and wipes and nappies and so on because thats just good manners to send your child providing him or her with all its needs.

I think when it comes to issues like this, i must be pretty old fashioned, because i cant help but hear that old saying..."you make your bed, now lay in it".

[Suffragette1 10]

I don't think it at all unreasonable to expect the OP to provide nappies and wipes etc, these are very expensive & whoever was caring for my child I would always provide these items as well as pureed food, made-up bottles etc, it is courteous. At the end of the day the woman is doing her D-I-L a favour, grandmother or no grandmother.

 

I have always provided everything for my kids when they were babies, even though my mother did buy her own travel cot, changing mat, baby bath, nappies, wipes etc, but she did that of her own volition, I never expected it.

[*bobcat* 10]

I don't think it at all unreasonable to expect the OP to provide nappies and wipes etc, these are very expensive & whoever was caring for my child I would always provide these items as well as pureed food, made-up bottles etc, it is courteous. At the end of the day the woman is doing her D-I-L a favour, grandmother or no grandmother.

 

I have always provided everything for my kids when they were babies, even though my mother did buy her own travel cot, changing mat, baby bath, nappies, wipes etc, but she did that of her own volition, I never expected it.

 

 

Yeah me to.

I provided everything for my son to go for a few hours to stay at nans house.

My mum never had to look after my son unless she wanted to do it and take him out for the day,so it was always a pleasure visit and not childminding.

I didnt think it would be right to just dump on my mum because when all said and done....she had done her bit in bringing up me, so this was her time to relax.

[Suffragette1 10]

Yeah me to.

I provided everything for my son to go for a few hours to stay at nans house.

My mum never had to look after my son unless she wanted to do it and take him out for the day,so it was always a pleasure visit and not childminding.

I didnt think it would be right to just dump on my mum because when all said and done....she had done her bit in bringing up me, so this was her time to relax.

 

Yes I totally agree with you there which is how I've always been with my parents. I adore my children but don't expect anyone other than me and Mr S to feel the same. As my parents never offer, I seldom ask and only do so on a very infrequent basis.

 

I know that should my children ever have kids, I would not want to childmind them as a permanent arrangement but I would want to see them on a regular basis and have them over for sleepovers etc.

[stella_fan26 10]

Having read a bit of the thread, Id say there is something running a little deeper then her wanting you to pay her heating bills.

At a guess, id say she is not happy her son is with you due to you already having a family, and maybe her thinking her son could have done better, and this is her silly way of punishment?

Your saying that if you dont send the grandchild then everyone will jump on your back for it, which indicates there is already some animosity?

I do think its right you pay for clothes and wipes and nappies and so on because thats just good manners to send your child providing him or her with all its needs.

I think when it comes to issues like this, i must be pretty old fashioned, because i cant help but hear that old saying..."you make your bed, now lay in it".

 

you are right she doesnt like me but tollerates me, deep down I dont think anyone is good enough for her children and she would have preffered him to stay at home just like her other son, because she lost half of his wages when he moved out so she was £450 down per month from what she was used to, but thats 4 years ago,

I have no quarrals in providing nappies, wipes, clothes, milk, food etc as I have always done, done Im not paying her bills unless she was in bad debt and really couldnt make ends meet then Id be the first person to help.

[*bobcat* 10]

Yes I totally agree with you there which is how I've always been with my parents. I adore my children but don't expect anyone other than me and Mr S to feel the same. As my parents never offer, I seldom ask and only do so on a very infrequent basis.

 

I know that should my children ever have kids, I would not want to childmind them as a permanent arrangement but I would want to see them on a regular basis and have them over for sleepovers etc.

 

 

I think that is a fair arrangement.

Another thing to take in to account as well is, the child wont always want to stay there all day anyway, due to the fact all his or her toys, friends, comforts are at home.

That in its self can make a child crabby and we all know the outcome of a bored child :help: Which again cant be much fun for nanna to control when she does not have the same rules for discipline as you do, when the bored child wants to play lets rampage through nan's house and smear marmite.

Children do pick up on the fact nan's are there to spoil and mum's are there to be fun stoppers at times, so there behavior will be different due to this.

[*bobcat* 10]

you are right she doesnt like me but tollerates me, deep down I dont think anyone is good enough for her children and she would have preffered him to stay at home just like her other son, because she lost half of his wages when he moved out so she was £450 down per month from what she was used to, but thats 4 years ago,

I have no quarrals in providing nappies, wipes, clothes, milk, food etc as I have always done, done Im not paying her bills unless she was in bad debt and really couldnt make ends meet then Id be the first person to help.

 

Well the one thing you cant expect your other half to do is ...challenge her on this.

Dont even go there, as this will only back up all the bad mouthing she has already possibly given you.

He will feel torn in two and rule number 1, is never make a man choose between wife and mother.

What you have to do is smile between gritted teeth love, and you also have to be as nice as pie, with hope your partner can see who is been unreasonable

[Suffragette1 10]

I think that is a fair arrangement.

Another thing to take in to account as well is, the child wont always want to stay there all day anyway, due to the fact all his or her toys, friends, comforts are at home.

That in its self can make a child crabby and we all know the outcome of a bored child :help: Which again cant be much fun for nanna to control when she does not have the same rules for discipline as you do, when the bored child wants to play lets rampage through nan's house and smear marmite.

Children do pick up on the fact nan's are there to spoil and mum's are there to be fun stoppers at times, so there behavior will be different due to this.

 

I was talking to someone yesterday about this very issue and they had that day had a conversation with a granny who felt unable to say no to her daughter-in-law's constant requests for childminding etc, felt put upon and worried that if she refused/delicned it would sour the relationship. I think some people are very selfish, ultimately one's children are no one's responsibility other than their parents, it amazes me that people expect others to contribute in such significant ways to raising their children.

[bananagirl 10]

At the end of the day the woman is doing her D-I-L a favour, grandmother or no grandmother.

 

I think many grandparents wouldn't consider it to be doing a favour at all. A favour is when you mind a child that isn't related to you. My parents always consider us to be doing them a favour when we arrange to send the baby there for a holiday! Some grandparents do want to be a big part of their grandchildren's lives and value the opportunity.

 

it amazes me that people expect others to contribute in such significant ways to raising their children.

 

Family is different from generic "others" - to many people at least. It's dependant on your individual family values I suppose.