Would you expect to pay heating bills for your child to go to visit grandparents

[Suffragette1 10]

His side of the family, if I'd have been him I would have sorted out the problem without involving you, he should have asked her what the reasoning was behind all this, and if it was just about heating expenses - he could assist, re the wipes, nappies - take them there. Not worth risking your getting uptight when he could have sorted it himself.

 

I agree and this is what I thought to myself and was going to post. If I'd been in his shoes, to save all the hassle and potential indignation etc, I'd have sorted it out myself without involving my OH.

[Cyclone 10]

I think many grandparents are used as a cheap source of childminding and babysitting and dare not refuse offers to help on a regular basis.

I think many grandparents are more than happy to act as child minders.

I don't know many parents who 'dare not' refuse their children something.

The scenario Disco describes is somewhat different to having grandkids on a daily and/or weekly basis. I know that should my children ever have kids, much as though I would want to be a hands on grandmother, I would not want the commitment of having to childmind them regularly as that will hopefully be time for me and Mr S to do all the things we want to do and couldn't when we were working and raising a family.

Your decision. But do you feel like you'll 'dare not' say no.

 

My parents are pretty crap at having the kids and I seldom ask as they're not really that bothered. My sister on the other hand uses them as free childcare to which they feel unable to say no to given her in-laws also do lots of childminding so my mother feels under pressure and is to some extent competing with the other set of grandparents.

Competing in what way? If they don't really want to see the kids how would 'loosing' that competition be a bad thing.

You'll probably tell me I'm wrong, but maybe you don't understand the dynamic between your parents and siblings quite as well as you think.

Or maybe I'm talking nonsense and your parents are for some reason unable to say no to your sister.

 

Either way, be careful that you're not projecting too much. I don't know all that many grandparents, but the ones I do know are all more than happy to help, on a regular basis or not and love the chance to spend time with their grand children. (I don't want to project and claim that this is always the case, I just don't think that many grandparents would find it difficult to say no to the adults they've brought up, the habit of being in charge is a strong one after 20 years).

[Suffragette1 10]

I think many grandparents are more than happy to act as child minders.

I don't know many parents who 'dare not' refuse their children something.

 

I think that a lot of expectations are placed on grandparents these days. Understandably some parents have no other option with childcare being prohibitive, however, I have known of many people who expect their parents to be on call for endless childminding and babysitting duties.

 

Your decision. But do you feel like you'll 'dare not' say no..

It is my decision but why would I ask someone who doesn't really seem bothered to spend time with my kids? It's not as if my kids would get anything out of it.

 

Competing in what way? If they don't really want to see the kids how would 'loosing' that competition be a bad thing.

You'll probably tell me I'm wrong, but maybe you don't understand the dynamic between your parents and siblings quite as well as you think.

Or maybe I'm talking nonsense and your parents are for some reason unable to say no to your sister.

You don't know my mother! A highly compettive woman who wants to be compete in the grandmother stakes. As my in-laws live in SA there is no need for her to compete hence her lack of interest.

 

Either way, be careful that you're not projecting too much. I don't know all that many grandparents, but the ones I do know are all more than happy to help, on a regular basis or not and love the chance to spend time with their grand children. (I don't want to project and claim that this is always the case, I just don't think that many grandparents would find it difficult to say no to the adults they've brought up, the habit of being in charge is a strong one after 20 years).

 

Yes I probably am projecting to soem degree, however, I don't think it is fair to expect it. Some grandparents love the hands on approach and having their grandchildren on a frequent regular basis, however, many I know who do have made asides about how much is expected of them and they find it all extremely tiring and would prefer less of a commitment. In some cultures, it is the norm for grandparents to pratcially raise their grandchildren, however, in ours it isn't anymore. Maybe years ago amongst the working classes when families all tended to reside in the same area.

[bananagirl 10]

I think that is taking the p personally. Parents are not there to act as free childminders and secondary carers for their grandkids. The times when mine (long in the past) had one or both for a weekend allowing me and Mr S a weekend break, although we never paid them as such, we always gave them a pressie from our travels or took them out for a meal etc. One year we sent them on one of those murder mystery weekends as a thank you.

 

This attitude is specific to your family I think and not applicable to anyone else. It's not fair to assume this behaviour is taking the p in all situations. All families have different attitudes. Personally, I've been a bit surprised by some of the posts here.

 

My MIL is more than happy to have our 2YO for little holidays, weekends, etc. As are my own parents. Both sets of grandparents have their own toys, wipes, nappies, milk, travel cots etc, so we don't have so much to take with us when we go for the weekends!

 

My mother and MIL would probably fight over the right to look after their grandchildren after school if we only lived close enough to them. The in laws regularly say they don't see the children enough, even though we go there every other weekend and most holidays! They come to take our 2YO away for little breaks with them. They take him to playgroups, to the park, swimming, to museums etc and a happy time is enjoyed by all. He enjoys it as much as they do, they genuinely like spending time with him!

 

Whenever we go out for meals together my dad or my FIL always pay. They still treat us like children! I'm realising that I'm pretty lucky in this respect. I always buy my mum and dad little presents, if I see something I think they'll like, but not in renumeration for services rendered - just because they're my parents. I did that before I ever had children.

 

Both sets of grandparents are financially secure, but I'm sure that's not the only factor at play in these situations.

 

As a very good Japanese friend of mine once said: People only want one of two things out of life - love or money.

[Suffragette1 10]

This attitude is specific to your family I think and not applicable to anyone else. It's not fair to assume this behaviour is taking the p in all situations. All families have different attitudes. Personally, I've been a bit surprised by some of the posts here.

 

My MIL is more than happy to have our 2YO for little holidays, weekends, etc. As are my own parents. Both sets of grandparents have their own toys, wipes, nappies, milk, travel cots etc, so we don't have so much to take with us when we go for the weekends!

 

My mother and MIL would probably fight over the right to look after their grandchildren after school if we only lived close enough to them. The in laws regularly say they don't see the children enough, even though we go there every other weekend and most holidays! They come to take our 2YO away for little breaks with them. They take him to playgroups, to the park, swimming, to museums etc and a happy time is enjoyed by all. He enjoys it as much as they do, they genuinely like spending time with him!

 

Whenever we go out for meals together my dad or my FIL always pay. They still treat us like children! I'm realising that I'm pretty lucky in this respect. I always buy my mum and dad little presents, if I see something I think they'll like, but not in renumeration for services rendered - just because they're my parents. I did that before I ever had children.

 

Both sets of grandparents are financially secure, but I'm sure that's not the only factor at play in these situations.

 

As a very good Japanese friend of mine once said: People only want one of two things out of life - love or money.

 

Well, I think you're very lucky, however, I do feel that the attitude of some people I've come across is one of expecting their parents to step in as secondary carers to their kids. It's one thing to vounteer it but entirely another to be expected to.

[Guest]

This attitude is specific to your family I think and not applicable to anyone else. It's not fair to assume this behaviour is taking the p in all situations. All families have different attitudes. Personally, I've been a bit surprised by some of the posts here.

 

My MIL is more than happy to have our 2YO for little holidays, weekends, etc. As are my own parents. Both sets of grandparents have their own toys, wipes, nappies, milk, travel cots etc, so we don't have so much to take with us when we go for the weekends!

 

My mother and MIL would probably fight over the right to look after their grandchildren after school if we only lived close enough to them. The in laws regularly say they don't see the children enough, even though we go there every other weekend and most holidays! They come to take our 2YO away for little breaks with them. They take him to playgroups, to the park, swimming, to museums etc and a happy time is enjoyed by all. He enjoys it as much as they do, they genuinely like spending time with him!

 

Whenever we go out for meals together my dad or my FIL always pay. They still treat us like children! I'm realising that I'm pretty lucky in this respect. I always buy my mum and dad little presents, if I see something I think they'll like, but not in renumeration for services rendered - just because they're my parents. I did that before I ever had children.

 

Both sets of grandparents are financially secure, but I'm sure that's not the only factor at play in these situations.

 

As a very good Japanese friend of mine once said: People only want one of two things out of life - love or money.

 

 

you're not alone - my parents and my hubby's parents both dote on our 16mth old and would never ask for any cash to cover anything. My mum swaps her days off to help with childcare when both me and hubby have a shift clash. and she always bring some sort of treat for my son.

When we go to visit, they have everything there all paid for by themselves; cot, baby monitor, nappies, wipes, changing mat, food, toys even a spare set of clothes.

 

But like you said in your post, its not about the money, its about taking care of your family...... my parents know that if they needed any help from me or hubby for anything, we'd be there in a flash.

[bananagirl 10]

Well, I think you're very lucky, however, I do feel that the attitude of some people I've come across is one of expecting their parents to step in as secondary carers to their kids. It's one thing to vounteer it but entirely another to be expected to.

 

I have to disagree. Grandparents should be expected to fill certain roles, if they're half decent people IMO, they should be happy to have a strong loving bond with their grandchildren.

 

People wonder why so many old people end up in care homes when they have perfectly able and fit children who simply refuse to look after them. These "take it or leave it" attitudes towards family responsibility are part of the problem.

[olorin 10]

Darn straight. I've got my nephew staying here the night to give my brother a break (well as much as you can with the new arrivals crying....:-) ) It's great fun - although I feel I've been teaching him more Bad Habits but what are uncles for?

[Suffragette1 10]

I have to disagree. Grandparents should be expected to fill certain roles, if they're half decent people IMO, they should be happy to have a strong loving bond with their grandchildren.

 

People wonder why so many old people end up in care homes when they have perfectly able and fit children who simply refuse to look after them. These "take it or leave it" attitudes towards family responsibility are part of the problem.

 

Having a strong loving bond is one thing and of course anyone would hope this to be the case, but to expect it? It is, however, entirely different to being expected to be a secondary carer.

 

As for the elderly who do end up in care homes maybe do so cos they couldn't be bothered themselves with their offspring and grandchildren etc, as with all relationships, it's a two way process.

[Suffragette1 10]

Darn straight. I've got my nephew staying here the night to give my brother a break (well as much as you can with the new arrivals crying....:-) ) It's great fun - although I feel I've been teaching him more Bad Habits but what are uncles for?

 

But that is entirely different to being a full-time childminder/babysitter which is the point I've been trying to make, very badly obviously, all along.

[bananagirl 10]

you're not alone - my parents and my hubby's parents both dote on our 16mth old and would never ask for any cash to cover anything. My mum swaps her days off to help with childcare when both me and hubby have a shift clash. and she always bring some sort of treat for my son.

When we go to visit, they have everything there all paid for by themselves; cot, baby monitor, nappies, wipes, changing mat, food, toys even a spare set of clothes.

 

They sound like lovely people! Just like my parents and in laws!

 

I think Suffragette1 was right in that we are lucky! Which is quite sad really. The UK stands alone in that family bonds mean a lot less than in much of the world. I remember when that little Madeleine Mccan went missing, a lot of the continental press reported it as quite normal for British parents to leave their babies sleeping and go out! I think that was a bit much, but they were on the right track. Family means less to many people here than in a lot of the world.

 

I think children brought up in a loving environment benefit hugely from it. I know my son really loves his grandparents, they love having him and I love the fact that they love being together. I'm sure you + yours enjoy these same benefits. It's a win win win situation.

 

But like you said in your post, its not about the money, its about taking care of your family...... my parents know that if they needed any help from me or hubby for anything, we'd be there in a flash.

 

You are quite right - family love and responsibility works in all directions, if anyone needs anything, someone is there (and happy) to help.

[bananagirl 10]

Having a strong loving bond is one thing and of course anyone would hope this to be the case, but to expect it?

 

It is expected and assured in many many parts of the world. Spanish and French people are regularly disgusted at British family values precisely because of this attitude.

 

It is, however, entirely different to being expected to be a secondary carer.

 

Loving grandparents can't spend enough time with their grandchildren. They don't want paying or see it as a burden.

 

As for the elderly who do end up in care homes maybe do so cos they couldn't be bothered themselves with their offspring and grandchildren etc, as with all relationshoips, it's a two way process.

 

Quite right, if my parents were horrible to me my brother and my children, I wouldn't want to look after them in old age. If I was brought up to believe that family responsibility was optional, I'd have a choice here. I can safely say, it's a choice I'd rather not have.