Am I just asking for too much to expect him to help with the chores?

[rach80]

Well said! I said something very similar but was ignored. That seems to happen on this forum unless you are well-known.

 

sorry I dont reply to every post

[rach80]

Hi Rach. I work in Rotherham too. Come and have a cuppa and a moan round at my place and tell him you are meeting up with another man!

 

I can just imagine the argument now x

[rach80]

It amazes me how blokes who usually pride themselves on their intelligence and common sense can say things like “how am I supposed to know when the floor needs hoovering”

 

Have you considered going on wifeswap?

 

Wife swap would be more like a holiday for me x

[rach80]

I just want to say thanks for all your replies, although some have confused me. I'm still not sure what route to go down.

 

I have tried the "i'm not doing anything for you, until you start doing stuff for me" It works well for a couple of weeks and then we return to "normal"

 

Leaving is a big step and it's not as simple when you have a little one, although not impossible.....This option is still open.

 

Writing a list of jobs to do....is this just not another job to my list???

 

Counselling.... I have suggested before,but the answer as been a firm not in my life time!!!

 

I just dont know what to do....my heads a mess and I am at the end of my teather

 

 

Arrrgggggghhhh

[poppypoppy]

I haven't read all the thread, but I get the gist of it and I'd like to share this with you thats from a book I'm reading at the minute called Why men lie and why women cry..

Its about retraining a man..

 

 

Training someone to do something you want is the same whether they are a child or an adult. You reward the behaviour you want and ignore the behaviour you don't want. For example, if a man leaves his clothes on the floor instead of in the wash basket, explain gently that you'd like these items put in the basket so they can be washed. If he continues to offend, do NOT pick up these items.

 

If they interfere with your right to a tidy house, calmly explain that you will put them in a plastic bag in a cupboard, or under the bed, or in his workshop/shed. This way, if he needs them at least he knows where they are.

The key is to give advance notice of your intentions and to avoid being sarcastic,judgemental or aggressive, as this is usually has an opposite effect on males. When he eventually needs his clean clothes, it becomes HIS problem not yours. Similarly, if he leaves tools around the house, tell him you'll put them in a cupboard or a drawer. Do NOT put them in his shed or any place convenient for him, as this will simply reinforce the behaviour you don't want. If you want to retrain your man, you MUST resist the urge to pick up after him.

 

When he puts his own things away, reward him for his contribution with a smile or thanks. Some women are appauled by the thought of thanking a man for doing something as basic as picking up his own clothes, but it's important to understand that men did not evolve as nest defenders and general tidiness is not something which comes naturally tp them.

 

If his mother didn't train him to do these things, it will be up to you to train him.On the other hand, if you continue to pick up after him, you have to accept that you've chosen to replace his mother, and you may as well feel happy in the role.

The key is always to manage the males in your life, rather than arguing, becoming angry, or feeling frustrated with them.

 

 

I too got same problem with my hubby..and I had it from him for the past 26yrs...and its now gettin me down a bit...I tried not doin things for him etc etc exactly what you suggest here...and it didnt work..it wasnt his fault his clothes werent washed..it wasnt his fault there were no clean pots etc etc..I get the blame EVERY time in our house..my gang seem to think thats why I'm here..to run around after them...I have tried to 'train' them all..I have even packed a bag and threatend to leave...and they've all just sat there and watched me...so I've backed down and stayed here...I dont argue anymore cos it doesnt get me anywhere...so please please explain how you did it...cos like I say..it didnt work for me...

[md25]

I do things like the washing and cleaning because I don't like living in filth!

 

I also have "mess blindness" which previously drove my wife nuts. Now she accepts that my brain just isn't wired to see "a few things out of place" as "mess", and I accept that she can't see "beetroot" as "disgusting". We get on famously these days.

[Dozy]

I just want to say thanks for all your replies, although some have confused me. I'm still not sure what route to go down.

 

I have tried the "i'm not doing anything for you, until you start doing stuff for me" It works well for a couple of weeks and then we return to "normal"

 

Leaving is a big step and it's not as simple when you have a little one, although not impossible.....This option is still open.

 

Writing a list of jobs to do....is this just not another job to my list???

 

Counselling.... I have suggested before,but the answer as been a firm not in my life time!!!

 

I just dont know what to do....my heads a mess and I am at the end of my teather

 

 

Arrrgggggghhhh

 

Oh, dear, that seems like a very clear indication that he's not bothered about trying to repair the relationship. He seems to want everything on his terms and doesn't seem to understand that you have the right to have your needs met as well.

 

I think you need to think about things very carefully now and decide if you really want to continue the relationship. This will be difficult because of your daughter, so you need to take your time and consider all aspects of the situation and how it will affect you both. Perhaps you could make a list of pros and cons (sounds a bit silly, but writing things down can help to clarify them in your mind) of staying in the relationship.

 

In the end, only you can decide what's best for you and your daughter. It might help if you spoke to Relate on your own - they do personal counselling, as well as couple's counselling, so they might be able to help you get things a bit clearer.

[muchtoofair]

Calm yourself.

 

Men usually die younger,so you'll have a few years at the end to contemplate how you might have found that ideal bowler hatted city gent that slung £120,000 a year into the coffers and wore a pinny under his pin striped trousers,there's loads of them,apparently.

[Forumosaurus]

If a man goes out to work the whole time and the woman doesn't, then it's my belief that yes, that is too much to ask.

 

If the woman goes to work as well, then it's not too much to ask.

 

If the woman went to work and the man didn't, then the man should do all the house work.

 

How is it fair for one person to be out at work all day, and be expected to come home and do the cleaning, when the stay at home partner has had all day to do it?

 

It can't be that hard to do a bit of house work whilst the bread winners out...winning bread.

[willman]

Its strange how i seem to think i'm perfect actually - but still get the same complaints at home.

I cook all meals, prepare packed lunches,feed and walk the dogs, help with ironing,cleaning - do ALL the diy and decorating and menial tasks like shopping and paying bills.

Yet she still rants at clothes hanging on the bannister. God forbid i remind her to switch the lights off again this year, i've only just got a reprieve from the sofa from last time.