Am I just asking for too much to expect him to help with the chores?

[Dozy 11]

Sorry, though I was clear.

 

"Overrated" is the key - it's not that I don't rate it at all, but that it doesn't always serve much use.

 

Hypothetically, I have a disagreement with you, we sit and talk about (to make sure we both understand our respective positions), and we agree to a change to the way we do things to avoid it again, or to modify behaviour if you like.

 

It's then up to you or I to modify it to avoid the situation if we don't it happens again.

 

There are those that listen to reason, and those that ostensibly do, but then choose not follow the new route.

 

Or another way, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

 

HTH

 

Right! Get it now - and I quite agree with you. Talk is pointless unless it's followed up by the appropriate action.

 

Apologies to the OP for taking the thread off-topic.

[LibertyBell 10]

It may be time to sit him down and have a chat....

 

...and show the lazy chump the door...

[sarah1 10]

I haven't read all the thread, but I get the gist of it and I'd like to share this with you thats from a book I'm reading at the minute called Why men lie and why women cry..

Its about retraining a man..

 

 

Training someone to do something you want is the same whether they are a child or an adult. You reward the behaviour you want and ignore the behaviour you don't want. For example, if a man leaves his clothes on the floor instead of in the wash basket, explain gently that you'd like these items put in the basket so they can be washed. If he continues to offend, do NOT pick up these items.

 

If they interfere with your right to a tidy house, calmly explain that you will put them in a plastic bag in a cupboard, or under the bed, or in his workshop/shed. This way, if he needs them at least he knows where they are.

The key is to give advance notice of your intentions and to avoid being sarcastic,judgemental or aggressive, as this is usually has an opposite effect on males. When he eventually needs his clean clothes, it becomes HIS problem not yours. Similarly, if he leaves tools around the house, tell him you'll put them in a cupboard or a drawer. Do NOT put them in his shed or any place convenient for him, as this will simply reinforce the behaviour you don't want. If you want to retrain your man, you MUST resist the urge to pick up after him.

 

When he puts his own things away, reward him for his contribution with a smile or thanks. Some women are appauled by the thought of thanking a man for doing something as basic as picking up his own clothes, but it's important to understand that men did not evolve as nest defenders and general tidiness is not something which comes naturally tp them.

 

If his mother didn't train him to do these things, it will be up to you to train him.On the other hand, if you continue to pick up after him, you have to accept that you've chosen to replace his mother, and you may as well feel happy in the role.

The key is always to manage the males in your life, rather than arguing, becoming angry, or feeling frustrated with them.

[Kthebean 10]

^^^

 

I think I'd rather live alone

[Ju-Ju 10]

Whilst there comes a point when you have to call it day, neither you nor I know whether this has been reached yet. I would suggest that it hasn't been given that the post is "am I asking for too much" and not "two bedroom house required urgently".

 

Yes, fair comment. I don't know if this point has been reached yet, and it isn't my place to say. I think I was trying to make the general point that sometimes we have choices about where to put our energy and how long to continue doing this - not saying the alternatives would be easy though.

I was also responding to the description that the OP gave of her partner and thinking that this is not going to be a quick fix, is going to take a lot of work on her part (and his), there's no guarentee that her partner will shift and she could choose to get out now. I would imagine that change of one kind or another is desirable. But, as you say, the OP is really just asking whether she is asking too much and my response remains a definite NO, you are definitely not asking enough.

[Redyam 10]

I blame society.

 

http://img392.imageshack.us/img392/8315/8yhaw.jpg

 

This picture shows even toys for cleaning are girls only!

[KATIEB_23 10]

I blame society.

 

http://img392.imageshack.us/img392/8315/8yhaw.jpg

 

This picture shows even toys for cleaning are girls only!

 

Why does that say "Girls Only" on it?!

 

What a flippin cheek!

[Bloomdido 10]

I side more with RugLady on this. We have 'wants' and 'needs' that we hope get met. Some are healthy, others not so. If a partner can meet half of our needs, we are doing pretty well. If we expect a partner to meet all of our needs - disaster. I've been in one or two of those relationships (as the need meeter I might add). The art is finding a balance and having a spread of people that are there for us. I am willing to bet that this guy is meeting none of Rach80's needs.

 

If they can't be honest and work at it, a one way trip through the front (or back) door by one of them is the best option for both of them.

[rach80 10]

Well said! I said something very similar but was ignored. That seems to happen on this forum unless you are well-known.

 

sorry I dont reply to every post

[rach80 10]

Hi Rach. I work in Rotherham too. Come and have a cuppa and a moan round at my place and tell him you are meeting up with another man!

 

I can just imagine the argument now x

[rach80 10]

It amazes me how blokes who usually pride themselves on their intelligence and common sense can say things like “how am I supposed to know when the floor needs hoovering”

 

Have you considered going on wifeswap?

 

Wife swap would be more like a holiday for me x

[rach80 10]

I just want to say thanks for all your replies, although some have confused me. I'm still not sure what route to go down.

 

I have tried the "i'm not doing anything for you, until you start doing stuff for me" It works well for a couple of weeks and then we return to "normal"

 

Leaving is a big step and it's not as simple when you have a little one, although not impossible.....This option is still open.

 

Writing a list of jobs to do....is this just not another job to my list???

 

Counselling.... I have suggested before,but the answer as been a firm not in my life time!!!

 

I just dont know what to do....my heads a mess and I am at the end of my teather

 

 

Arrrgggggghhhh