Central University Neepsend Tip Site

[timo 10]

Peterdo,

Thankyou for your kind suggestions made in good faith. However, please note that our University colours are fluorescent lime green/canary yellow, which is not the same as the uniform donned by recidivists in the penal colony you mention.

 

Regarding Prof. Roy James, I am afraid that he is otherwise occupied as Course Director of the B.A.[Hons] Degree programme in Multicultural Diversity Awareness at a rival institute. We tend to rely upon our Dean of Arse and Sciences, Lord Chaverly for vocal encouragement at sporting events. Admittedly, on occasion he has bellowed 'Come on you Baggies!' by mistake, thinking he was back in his youthful days watching West Bromich Albion. Having said that, were the good Dean to shout encouragement using the nickname that our students have acquired, based upon the initials of the University name, ie, 'Come on you CU...etc!', it might prove highly controversial to say the least.

[Hopman 46]

Is it my imagination, or has the establishment been tardy in reopening after the Christmas season?

[funkymiss 10]

Can I make a suggestion? How about a kind of exchange programme where instead of students being jetted off to far-flung destinations such as France, we make the most of our fantastic towns here in the UK and allow young people from places such as Hull and Slough to swap lives and homes for a week. You want the Central University Neepsend Tip Site to me multi-cultural, diverse and "polysexual" so why not truly mix everyone up and see what happens? Your thoughts? BA Hons UK Town Experience Studies, could even be linked to BSc (Hons) Town and Regional Planning.

 

PS I'm not sure BSc (Hons) Hard Sums is really me but seeing as The University of Sheffield are still reluctant to intoduce Johnny Depp Studies, would UNTS be willing to consider this degree programme? You could even form a dual honours with another 'star' such as Emma Bunton?

[shoeshine 10]

Dear Vice Chancellor,

 

I know in advance your answer will be "No"

 

I now pose the question..........

 

"I wonder if you could extend your facilities to include "Inside-out Thinking", perhaps on a Part-Time Day Release Scheme."

 

I am pursuing this subject currently on a Self-Tuition basis, funded by a Government Giro, paid weekly.

 

As you know there are many people who seem to know all the answers, but unfortunately remain ignorant of the appropriate questions - in particular, MP's seem to be extremely adept at practising this art.

 

Hence the Government Funding Initiative to increase public awareness of this subject. It is hoped this will be the path to expanding the future Local Councillor and MP base for the future.

 

Yours etc etc

[timo 10]

Shoeshine,

I regret to inform you that the University has previously offered programmes in 'Inside-Out Thinking', but we found that they did not recruit sufficiently large groups of students. We even brought in leading international scholars in Post-Feminist Inside-Outism, such as Dr Gabrielle Gusset-Nurdlinga of John Travolta University [Wyoming, USA], but to no avail. We have found that it is best to consolidate existing options such as our BSc Hard Sums and B.A.[Hons] Alcopop Studies programmes.

 

Thankyou for your interest in Central University Neepsend Tip Site.

 

Yours Faithfully,

Prof. Timo [ Vice Chancellor]

[shoeshine 10]

Shoeshine,

I regret to inform you that the University has previously offered programmes in 'Inside-Out Thinking', but we found that they did not recruit sufficiently large groups of students. We even brought in leading international scholars in Post-Feminist Inside-Outism, such as Dr Gabrielle Gusset-Nurdlinga of John Travolta University [Wyoming, USA], but to no avail. We have found that it is best to consolidate existing options such as our BSc Hard Sums and B.A.[Hons] Alcopop Studies programmes.

 

Thankyou for your interest in Central University Neepsend Tip Site.

 

Yours Faithfully,

Prof. Timo [ Vice Chancellor]

 

Dear Vice Chancellor

 

Thank you for your kind reply. My studies are proceeding well. You will note I knew the definitive answer prior to working out the question.

 

Unfortunately, I won't be gracing your Campus next September as first thought. I have decided to cancel my application for inclusion in the Degree Course "Hard Sums".

 

Further to my need for additional knowledge in pursuit of such a qualification, I have grown further digits on my hands during the Christmas period.

 

I feel sufficiently equipped presently to face any integration that calculus may throw my way.

 

I am perfecting the technique of rapidly working out the trajectory of a missile fired from a BB Gun at a range of between 30 and 50 yards aimed at my bus window. I will not disclose the route I drive, in order to avoid the BB e-mail spammers.

 

Yours etc etc

[cloudybay 17]

Shoeshine,

I wouldn't waste your time and effort with this weak excuse for an educational establishment. I've just had my application for enrolment on a short course in 'Bilateral spaghetti hoop construction with diagonal adjustments' rejected on the grounds that my consumption of Netto value beans doesn't meet the required standards. Pathetic. I not only consider this to be a stain upon my character, but a blatant breach of my human rights. I think i'm going to cry.

[deadheadfred 10]

Dear Vice-Chancellor,

 

I have on several occasions now attempted to gain entry to Central University Neepsend Tip Site, but have invariably been faced with rejection, despite being a fine upstanding member of our community.

 

I am an Accredited Researcher in Semantics in Equivocal Language in Itinerant Communities of Khilafat Epistolers and Radicalists, yet you still deny me access to the inner sanctum of this august body.

 

Please be so kind as to advise which further studies I should undertake to improve my chances of finding an opening. I trust this will not involve mathematical studies - I fear I found it too difficult when we started doing chinese takeaways.

 

Yours sincerely.

[timo 10]

Deadheadfred,

The standard entrance requirements for our academic courses vary. For example, the Faculty of Arse and Sciences [the urbane Lord Chaverly is the present Dean] insist upon proof of an average of sevens out of ten in school work, a detention-free record, a pass in the 'Cycling Proficiency' test, and if possible a certificate to prove that the student can swim at least one length of an average swimming pool. On the other hand, their BSc. Hard Sums specifies that applicants should be 'educated to long division standard'. The Faculty's unpopular postgraduate course, the MSc Really Hard Sums insists upon applicants being 'able to add up without the use of fingers', and they prefer applicants 'who have experience of the previous study of multiplication'.

 

In your case, Deadheadfred, I am sure that we can come to some sort of arrangement. Tell me, do you have an attractive sister? Is she interested in furthering her academic career too? There are lots of openings I might be able to uncover.

[shoeshine 10]

Shoeshine,

I wouldn't waste your time and effort with this weak excuse for an educational establishment. I've just had my application for enrolment on a short course in 'Bilateral spaghetti hoop construction with diagonal adjustments' rejected on the grounds that my consumption of Netto value beans doesn't meet the required standards. Pathetic. I not only consider this to be a stain upon my character, but a blatant breach of my human rights. I think i'm going to cry.

 

Dear Failed Applicant,

 

Thank you for the insight shared on this occasion.

 

I too have been contemplating the veracity and purported reputation of this establishment.

 

My wife had expressed a desire to request acceptance for tuition leading to the "Pre- Raphaelite Belly Dancing" Degree.

 

Your timely warning has been communicated to her via semaphore and a sunlit mirror (courtesy of the Royal Navel (sp?) Contemplation College - Dirtmouth) as a matter of urgency.

 

Yours etc etc

[timo 10]

Shoeshine,

I think you are thinking of Shiregreen Higher Institute of Tertiary Education with your references to 'Pre Raphaelite Belly-Dancing'. We at Central University Neepsend Tip Site offer undergraduate and postgraduate level programmes. The qualification you refer to is available at S.H.I.T.E. in NVQ form. If it is Degree-level Dance that your dear lady requires, then please direct her to our latest prospectus. We offer a B.A.[Hons] Gavotting , an M.A. in Laotian Temple Hopping and there are plans to introduce a BSc programme in Retro-Punk Pogoing. Our motto, as you know, borrowed from Tony Blair [a great inspiration to us all], is 'Edukation, Edukation, Edukation'.

[deadheadfred 10]

Deadheadfred,

The standard entrance requirements for our academic courses vary. For example, the Faculty of Arse and Sciences [the urbane Lord Chaverly is the present Dean] insist upon proof of an average of sevens out of ten in school work, a detention-free record, a pass in the 'Cycling Proficiency' test, and if possible a certificate to prove that the student can swim at least one length of an average swimming pool. On the other hand, their BSc. Hard Sums specifies that applicants should be 'educated to long division standard'. The Faculty's unpopular postgraduate course, the MSc Really Hard Sums insists upon applicants being 'able to add up without the use of fingers', and they prefer applicants 'who have experience of the previous study of multiplication'.

 

In your case, Deadheadfred, I am sure that we can come to some sort of arrangement. Tell me, do you have an attractive sister? Is she interested in furthering her academic career too? There are lots of openings I might be able to uncover.

 

Dear Vice Chancellor,

 

Thank you for your prompt reply.

 

I can count up to twenty, if I remove my socks. My sister is, indeed, very attractive but, unfortunately, using the mathematical method expounded above can count up to twenty-seven.

 

Perhaps I should set my sights a little more in line with my capabilities and genetic misfortunes, and apply to an American university (somewhere around Arkansas, for preference - I think I would feel right at home there).

 

Regards,

deadheadfred.