Imposter Syndrome

[Weazel2006 28]

Hi everyone. It's been a year since I posted and it's been horrific.

 

Ever since I was diagnosed with autism my life has gone from bad to worse. In July of last year I attempted suicide by jumping from a bridge, I couldn't see a way out of my issues, I was dumped after a lovely 15 year marriage and not one word that has come out of my mouth has been right to anyone else.

 

I had tried to do a call center job but kept getting into trouble there. It all has been because my wife said I never shut up about work and that it didn't matter if I did or not she loved me for me, but still doesn't want me back

 

Long story short I'm told my autism makes me an overthinker and I am entitled to the benefits I receive but I don't know because I've rarely ever worked. I wake up every morning hit with anxiety and feeling like I'm a no good scrounger. I've spent time in hospital doing online health and social care courses and also with open university free courses, applied for hundreds of jobs and nothing.

 

I just want some company from loneliness, someone to take a chance on me and give me a shot at life.

[cressida 1,586]

I remember your original post,  have you got family a friends to help,  it can become too much for one person?

 

You need someone like Anna B in your life.

[Weazel2006 28]

My dad tells me to stay on benefits and not to rock the boat.

 

A friend says similar saying being happy in who I am is more important than a job.

 

My wife didn't fall out of love with me because of work , she was happy if I didn't. She was right.

 

I've had a heart attack, diagnosed autistic with dyspraxia, suffered social anxiety all my life, I've lost alot from not listening to people that loved me.

 

I wanted more for a family that told me they had enough. Its been over a year and I still can't move on.

 

I'm wired different and yes Anna would be welcome in my life

[cressida 1,586]

Decide what you want out of life,  remember most of us don't get what we want,  yes stay on the benefits as they are

your security,  I'm glad you can talk to your dad as he's the person you can most trust,

Some of us are fragile and and can only give so much which doesn't mean e don't care,

 

Anna B has lots of contacts and may have come across people with the same illnesses,  possibly the best person to help.

 

Anna,  please send him a personal message,  it may make all the difference.

[SheffieldForum 966]

I think you are very brave to post again and open up with your concerns, and you are very welcome to do so as well.

 

I, for one, am so sorry you have had such a horrible year and can empathise with losing a long-term partner and being autistic.

 

One thing I have found since having a - maybe(? I don't want to be presumptuous) - similar time in the past is that lots of people go through these types of things and that there is help out there if you can find it.

 

You said in the past that you are not motivated, but your post suggests to me that you actually may be, given the right circumstances. You’ve tried to work, which is great! You’ve done courses and applied for jobs. That doesn’t sound to me like you’re unmotivated, it sounds like you’ve tried lots and perhaps things haven’t worked out the way you want or the adjustments you need weren’t available to you, which sadly is the way a lot of the time. 

 

Similarly, you are entitled to the benefits you are on, and you should continue to claim them to sustain yourself until circumstances change. That does not make you a scrounger—the benefits system is in place to help people like you in circumstances like yours.

 

Loneliness is a massive issue for many people. As an autistic person myself, I can feel ever so lonely despite having amazing and loving family and friends around me. Anxiety is a huge part of my life, too. I’ve been in a position of losing a long-term relationship, and it can hurt and linger for an incredibly long time - I comfort myself, in my situation, with the fact that it wasn’t a horrible split and that my ex-partner is happy, which is the most I ever wanted for them - it has taken a long time to get to that comfort, but it is a genuine comfort to have that mindset.

 

There are many lingering issues you mention that can weigh you down, especially for someone who is an overthinker (again, I can empathise!). It is worth speaking with somebody qualified to discuss all your concerns properly and work through them in your mind to help ease the fogginess you can get from having all these things continuously there. Your doctor or any kind of social worker you may be in contact with could possibly help you find the right pathway for you.

 

I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

[crookesey 637]

Anyone who thinks that they are having a bad time should read this thread, God bless and wish this very brave poster something positive in what has been a horrendous past.

[Weazel2006 28]

Thank you for your kind words of support.

 

I currently have a mental health nurse from northlands. The council are also helping me with a person who is with me three hours a week.

 

I recently attended a workshop that HSBC and shelter were running. Out of ten people I was the only one to attend so was in a room with 8 other people all giving me advice.

 

They said not to discount the fact of being a stay at home father as I likely had transferable skills I couldn't see myself. Bassicly told me if it were a real interview I'd pass 

 

My biggest problem is I didn't grow up in the system, my work record and educational history don't paint a pretty picture and I like that street wise knowledge others possess.

 

I saw life as something whereby I could devote myself to my daughters upbringing and have been nieve to lifes complexity.

 

I'm hoping to one day be a support worker so I can help others avoid such drastic action as I took. Thanks again for your kindness, if anyone knows of any shops hiring or could offer me a chance to succeed ivwould be most grateful

[cressida 1,586]

I admire your inspiring and enterprising spirit,  you have more 'go' than you think you have,  others have noticed it,

and I believe you will make an excellent support worker.

[SheffieldForum 966]

It really does seem like you have a good mindset.

 

You were the only one among ten people to attend that session, so that puts you ahead of the other nine straight away!

 

It feels a bit like a chicken-and-egg scenario. You need experience, but to get it you need to have it!

 

I wonder if volunteering might be an idea for you? It obviously doesn’t come with a salary, but the benefits are huge - you get to help out a local charity or cause, you get experience (often in something you are really interested in), you start to build up confidence, it helps with loneliness as you work and engage with other people, you can build up social skills and workplace etiquette, etc.  It often opens up many doors to other opportunities, too.

 

Some placements even come with on-the-job training and qualifications and a lot will pay your expenses (transport fares, etc) or even provide lunch. And you could do as little as a few hours per week in some cases. Of course you can still look for and apply for other paid roles whilst doing it.

 

Maybe take a look at Voluntary Action Sheffield: https://www.vas.org.uk

 

 

[Weazel2006 28]

I'm due to start volunteering again...its all I've ever really done. It's out of my comfort zone, working the back and sales floor at the British heart foundation in Hillsborough.

 

I get scared and anxious because I'm on pip and limited capability and worry about losing those. I'm a bag of nerves because in the cold light of day I'm someone not experienced at interactions with others, I'm apparently polite, helpful, considerate etc but don't know how to manage my life outside my home.

 

It's like being in no man's land

[Weazel2006 28]

It comes with nvq in retail , just feels like I'm killing the good person I was for my daughter and calling 20 years of my life a complete waste

[cressida 1,586]

You are underestimating yourself,  ask if you can take a course in becoming a support worker,  it will build up your self-confidence.