Weazel2006

I'm not quite sure. My daughter isn't talking to me any more and I'm desperate for something to go right now. I ended up having a meltdown and stabbed myself with a 7 inch knife. Spent 3 weeks in hospital but also made some references. I'm trying to get volunteering there and hopefully become a support worker. I'm at my wits end now, for a socially anxious person I'm pulling out all the stops, I have nothing left to lose.

Woke as I usually to, breathing heavy, jolting from sleep shouting mom please help me. I touched it out, got on the bus to go get a mop after crying about the loss of my marriage etc. I've gone completely out of my comfort zone and started doing till training at sue ryder. I now have myself an nhs email address, training coming soon. It's very hard to come to terms with your own self defecating truth. I don't know how life is going to treat me, but if I save one person from taking their life then mine will hold value. I will never get my wife back and sooner of later the divorce will happen that I never wanted to come. If anyone is facing similar problems please message me or air your worries here. My love to you all

I'm trying to be upbeat I really am but with endless rejections, a broken marriage, constant attacks because I do have a cry, I lost someone special to me and wanted to give my daughter a family unit. It all comes down to work and I'm truly desperate but told not to rush. I'm completely defeated inside and only alive for my little one. I'm on bended knee begging anyone to take me on so I can stop feeling so worthless.

I just can't catch a break at all. Watching my daughter do well despite having a worry wart like me in her life. I just feel like giving up and letting nature deal with me

Today started like most days but with more intensity. I'm having a huge panic attack as I write this. I feel like I'm begging for people's time, family, friends and truly dislike being on my own. I'd have spent my time in the company of my daughter, before my breakdown, now I have nothing but anxiety, regrets and guilt. I'm trying hard to find work even though my mh nurse, council worker and dad all say I'm looking for a silver bullet that doesn't exist. My wife used to say its OK working isn't for you. It's warped my mind and I don't know the right answer anymore. To anyone suffering like me, please seek help, seek strength and seek a way out. Its awful to live like this, a prisoner of your own mind. I lost a large family I loved so much because I didn't man up. If anyone has any job I could do please help me. I will be a hard worker and do any training required.

https://changing-our-minds.blogspot.com/?m=1

Having a worse day than usual. I don't feel I deserve to be here. Took little one to speedway she enjoyed it, I felt like a piece of scum. I'm in a balancing act going back years. I spend all day with a feeling like my blood is boiling. I'm trying so hard and volunteering is as far as I ever get. I'm scared I'm going to loose this battle with depression, I see no positive to my issues at all. Been lied to or neglected my whole life, before I even get to navigating the real world. My mh nurse and support worker said I'd make a great counciller but that seems very far from being realistic. I said I'd bring people on the journey good and bad. If anyone is interested I'll make mu blog available

Hmm intetesting

Doing sue ryder a few times a week. Was unfortunate to see my wife there, I tried to be polite but it just reinforced my realisation that I'm really nothing, hanging onto life by a thread.....and this is the easy bit. Time machine anyone?

Had my daughter around today, enjoyed just chilling with her. I'd been barred from seeing her by her mum cause I often spoke about wanting to make amends after my depression. I feel so torn and despite not having a good work history I thought I was a loyal and caring person to others. I have imposter syndrome if I even so much as smile or act normal for a second, it's bloody hard work just to get through each day. Does anyone here have experience of seperation?

Did some clothes sorting in sue ryder today. I'm home now, just struggling to find any traction, trying to be outgoing and personable...didn't help having a dream begging my ex to take me back. Does this ever get any better, I get told to be happy but how?

I hope so, feels like I'm moving but keeping still. I just need someone to notice me and give me a chance. Everyone says I'm a likeable chap with a ton to offer, just need to connect the dots. Come on Sheffield, please

Currently at bhf and feel like a spare part most of the time, just sorting cds and putting prices on things. Feeling very disheartened.

Finding it really hard to keep motivated today. I'm very isolated and in a constant state of paranoia. I can't help but feel my ex was lying to me. I don't feel secure at all and definitely not enjoying my free time. People keep telling me to enjoy myself. Focus on hobbies etc but I can't do that without feeling guilt. I've gone from stay home parent to single middle aged loner struggling to keep going. The volunteering is a life line for sure but even that is bringing me nothing but fear of being caught out by a deeply cynical benefits system. I've applied for an apprenticeship shortterm intervention team with council. I just feel like I'm grasping at straws the entire time, it's demoralising. I wish poetry payed the bills

Today got to spend time with my daughter. Took her to kfc and shopping. Popped into sue ryder and going to start volunteering there too from next week. So studying, keeping flat going, volunteering, writing, blogging even considering a podcast for local people with mental health issues. Trying to Bury the anxious me. I've had my mirtazipine upped and been put on propranolol to take the edge off the anxiety. Got myself a new top....ex might never look in my direction again but I got to put things right with my little best mate. Someday someone will surely offer me a job but in the meantime rest assured your taxes are helping someone to get their life sorted.....thank you