The double-edged sword of telling someone that you're not interested.

[metaphoria 10]

18 moths ago I was seeing someone who would promise to take me out, but I'd call and it'd be his answering machine, or he'd make an excuse not to be available. And I'd be all dressed up and feeling like a fool-for a while, until I just decided to forget about it.

 

Since, he calls intermittently, but recently more persistently asking if I want to go out on a date, but I don't want to, anymore.

 

But I don't wan't to say that I don't, because I always thought that people deserve another chance, and there have been times when I've wanted one myself.

 

And I just don't know how to say to someone-sorry I don't have any feelings for you anymore, when I know that is one of the most hurtful things someone could say to me.

 

I've made mistakes before and wanted second chances, but now I suppose I have to either give more chances, and hold on to the the belief that I have deserved second chances, or ignore him (which I want to do) and accept that maybe I, by karma (for want of a better word) didn't deserve second chances myself.

 

Am I making any sense?

 

If so, advice welcome from those with a heart.

[Darth Vader 10]

You have to go with your guts on this one.

 

You seem to be very clear that you don't really want another date. I think it's fairer to let the other person know. I think it would be hurtful to say you don't have feelings for them any more but perhaps you could say that you have changed as a person, and are looking for different things out of a relationship?

[megalithic 10]

Your first 3 lines say it all, the rest of your post is irrelevant imo.

They are using you as a back up plan.

Steer well clear, even if that means hurting their feelings.

(imo)

[NorthernStar 11]

Tell him you've met someone else, that way it is at least understandable without making him feel like it's some sort of personal criticism.

[metaphoria 10]

You have to go with your guts on this one.

 

You seem to be very clear that you don't really want another date. I think it's fairer to let the other person know. I think it would be hurtful to say you don't have feelings for them any more but perhaps you could say that you have changed as a person, and are looking for different things out of a relationship?

 

Never thought of saying something like that, and actually it would be true. Are you a guy?

 

He asked me out again by text. Would it be unreasonable to tell him by text? He's asked me go to a wedding with him, and frankly I can't face meeting his friends or family.

[metaphoria 10]

Tell him you've met someone else, that way it is at least understandable without making him feel like it's some sort of personal criticism.

 

But it wouldn't be true.

[NorthernStar 11]

But it wouldn't be true.

 

Just a little white lie to protect his feelings, if he finds out he'll get the message anyway.

[metaphoria 10]

Just a little white lie to protect his feelings, if he finds out he'll get the message anyway.

 

Well, I'm not so sure about that, having been on the receiving end of lies. Yes, eventually I got the message, but I found lies didn't protect my feelings, just patronised me.

[megalithic 10]

Why lie, just be honest, he only wants a back up plan as i've already said.

[Rupert_Baehr 10]

Be gentle with him.

 

Slip him a hint.

 

Ask him whether he's interested in sex and travel.

 

Then tell him to F Off.

[sTaGeWaLkEr 10]

Like someone else said, the first three lines of your post say it all.

 

The guy had his chance, and he blew it. To leave you all dressed up and nowhere to go is unforgivable, in my opinion. Let's not forget the complete lack of regard for how doing this would also make you feel.

 

If people don't show you even the most basic of respect levels at an early stage, then I'd be taking that as an indicator of things to come and I'd be walking in the opposite direction.

 

I had a similar situation happen to me once. I made it clear in a polite but assertive way that they'd blown their chances and wouldn't be getting any more. And then I stood by it. No point making an assertion like this if you're not going to stand by it. Write 'deleted' in your mobile at the side of their name. Then, when they ring, you get a timely little reminder of why you shouldn't answer.

 

Metaphoria, he doesn't deserve you. Move on and date someone who does.

[cressida 1,585]

If he's stood you up then he sounds very immature, you don't need to feel sorry for him, cut your losses and move on