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FoxLady

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  1. Over 60? Time to get exercise going! Start by standing, making sure you've plenty of room at each side. With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, holding them there for as long as is comfortable. A full minute is something to aim for, but it's important to always relax afterwards. (Don't force it! This isn't a Peloton ad! You'll get there in your own time!) The following day, try to beat yesterday's time. A couple of weeks later - but only if you're feeling confident - move up to 10lb spud bags and continue as above. Eventually you'll be able to try 50lb - or even 100lb! - bags in each hand, and be able to hold your arms straight for a minute plus! Only when you've achieved this level - and you still feel confident enough to progress - put a potato in each bag.
  2. Talking of dogs..... A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. "Tie a bit of ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he'll stop snoring" was the advice. "Bit fanciful", thought the wife, "but hey! We'll give it a go!" A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. She grabs a piece of red ribbon from the bedside cabinet and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. Amazing! Later that night, her husband returns home roaring drunk - he's been out boozing with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. Maybe the ribbon might work on him? She grabs a piece of blue ribbon from the cabinet and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him, and the woman sleeps soundly for the rest of the night. In the early hours the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. Very confused, he walks back into the bedroom, and in the gloom spots the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... and God knows what we got up to ... but ... It looks like we took first and second place."
  3. Whilst I mull over whether the above is a reprimand or not, may I introduce you to some new "designer" dog cross-breeds? Collie x Lhasa Apso "Collapso" A dog that folds up for easy transport Pointer x Setter "Poinsetter" A traditional Christmas pet Pekinese x Lhasa Apso "Peekasso". A bit of an abstract one, this... Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel "Irish Springer" A dog that's as fresh and clean as mountain air Terrier x Bulldog "Terribull". Not a goodie Bloodhound x Labrador "Blabador", A dog that barks incessantly Malamute x Pointer "Moot Point". My case rests, methinks. Collie x Malamute "Commute" A dog that travels to work with or without you Deerhound x Terrier "Derriere". A dog that's true to the very end. Bull Terrier x ****zu (I just can't figure out any name whatsoever)
  4. A lady is at the hairdressers. The stylist is one of those people who always likes to put people down, but it was the only appointment available. "Are you having your hair done for a special occasion?" "Yes we're off on holiday on Friday...we're going to Rome for our wedding anniversary." "Oh you don't want to go there! We went 2 years ago - it's an awful dirty city, full of uncouth locals. Who are you flying with?" "BA" "You'll regret it! We flew with them as well - their seats were too close together, the cabin staff were rude, the food was awful! Where are you staying?" "The Bella Vista" "Oh my God! That's where we stayed! The room was tiny, the bed was uncomfortable and the food was terrible! You'll regret staying there. What are your plans there?" "Well one of the things we are most looking forward to is going to Vatican City to see the Pope addressing the people in St. Peters' Square..." "You'll be wasting your time! We went, it was absolutely packed! You'll get nowhere near him, hardly hear a word he says and be pressed against people on all sides, then struggle to get out through the crowds afterwards!" The customer is fuming. She doesn't engage in any further conversation, pays and leaves. A month or so afterwards she makes another appointment and, as luck (and jokes) would have it, ends up with the same stylist... "Oh, you were going to Rome weren't you? I told you how bad it was! I bet you regret it now!" "On the contrary - we had a wonderful time!" "Oh?! Well I bet the flight was appalling!" "No, it was fantastic! The check-in staff member was lovely...she asked if we were going for a special occasion and had we had been to Rome before? We said it was for our anniversary and she recommended some places to visit and some good restaurants. Then she asked us to wait a minute and went and spoke to her manager. When she came back she upgraded us to first class. Lots of legroom, really wide comfortable seats, great food on proper china, even free champagne! It was superb and was a great start to our holiday!" "Oh! Well, what about that terrible hotel?" "It was absolutely brilliant! The BA check-in lady had asked where we were staying, and we thought it was just conversation, but when we arrived she had called the hotel and told them about our anniversary! They upgraded our double room to a penthouse suite with a roof terrace looking right across Rome. Breakfast was served every day on the terrace, the staff couldn't do more for us and the food in the restaurant was sublime. And before you ask we didn't find Rome dirty and smelly at all - it was a lovely city with some of the friendliest people I've ever met!" "Oh...well...I know you must have had a terrible time in Vatican City trying to see the Pope!" "Not at all! We made sure we weren't too late getting there so we weren't too far back...everyone was quiet and respectful and were there to listen to the Pope like us." "You may have heard him but you still couldn't have really seen him up there on his balcony?!" "Well, just as the sermon ended, a gentleman in a suit and earpiece approached us and said that after every sermon the Pope liked to meet a small number of people who have come to hear him! He was one of the security staff sent to select those people, so would we like a private audience with the Pope? Naturally we said yes and went with him!" "What?! No! You didn't!" "Yes we did! Along with just three other couples we were taken into the Vatican! We were seated in a large room, and then after a few minutes the Pope came in, blessed us all, and spoke to us each in turn!" "That's amazing! What did he say?!" "Well, he looked at me and said "who the f**k did your hair?!"
  5. There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world. A year passed, and only three had people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a wasp. His sword flashed in a graceful arc, and the wasp was dead, literally chopped in half. "Wow! Amazing!" exclaimed the emperor (for he was years ahead of his time as regards street talk.) The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be the one chosen. This time, the Chinese samurai opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. His sword flashed twice, and the fly was dead, chopped into four pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "Cool! Wow! Man, that was impressive!" The emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and this time a gnat flew out. The sword flashed once more...but this time the gnat was still alive and flying around. "Bummer!" exclaimed the emperor. "What went wrong? Or are you just rubbish?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled, reached into his pocket and offered the emperor a magnifying glass. "Check it out...you'll not see a neater circumcision...."
  6. Listened to a pre-match interview with him on radio. You know the expression "lots of words, but says nothing"? He was asked about playing out from the back....dear oh dear....the explanation/reasoning behind it was difficult to listen to. He also commented that the previous match hadn't been good enough - (get away!) - but that we were in complete control for the "first 3 or 4 minutes".... Er, yes! But it's the other 86 that also count!
  7. The Pope was visiting Liverpool on his "round the world miracles" tour. Little Billy managed to fight his way on to the stage and asked "Can you help with my hearing, please?" The Pope smiled at him, beckoned him to come forward, and covered Billy's ears with his outstretched palms. The Pope looked heavenwards, and quietly spoke a few words in Latin. A few minutes passed before the Pope removed his hands. "So, my child, how is your hearing now?" Billy stared at him, a little confused.... "I don't know...it's not until Thursday...."
  8. When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is erect. Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.
  9. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We would now like to play Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" for you, or as it's better known these days, "Your call is important to us..."
  10. Best laugh of the day, matey! Nice one!
  11. Tells you to sit tight, that an alternative supplier will be appointed, and "don't switch" on their website. Do that.
  12. Checked my mother-in-law into Dignitas last night, and spent the last few hours with her recounting a selection of memories and flicking through some old photo's of happier times. As the name implies, all's very calm and peaceful there, but I confess I was a little surprised at breakfast to find that Cheerios was the suggested cereal...
  13. Steady on! Oh! You mean "an' all"!
  14. There isn't, but that's the title of your thread!
  15. Maybe so, but at least he's not semi-literate like most of 'em! The one who particular annoys me is the ex-footballing lass - her of dropped g's - and her fixed smile. The presenters are obviously told to find anything even slightly light-hearted to be absolutely hilarious.
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