Am I just asking for too much to expect him to help with the chores?

[Ruglady 10]

I'm entirely calm, but your post was hardly intended as a kind word and I think it would be disingenuous for you to say otherwise. I don't really care what you think of me, but I don't really deserve any opprobrium for the post I made. I'm just trying to be constructive here (there are kids involved after all), which few have.

 

Incidentally I use the "reason" often too - and it's entirely legitimate.You just have to remove the objection/obstacle

 

Without removing the obstacle, you can't really get to the crux of it. Some of the behaviour decribed here is indicative of severe depression (not saying it is, but we aren't cose enough to see). All I can do is offer constructive advice particularly regarding males in relationships (and I wouldn't consider myself a "new" man either).

 

 

I didn't refer to my relationship as man management. You need to read the post a little more carefully. My relationship is a partnership (slightly unequal but not massively so) too.

 

 

That's just bearbaiting of the worst kind; no better than Jeremy Kyle.

 

I'm assuming I've not offered views you find constructive then? It seems that you think that because a woman has children she must never rebel against an appalling domestic situation other than from within.

 

I think you will find that this attitude is what has kept so many women in appalling domestic arrangements in years gone by. Women do not need to do this. Children are equally in need of a good role model and if this woman needs to prove to herself, the man and her children that she has validity in the relationship and the world then that may not involve sitting around plotting with a whiteboard and a packet of tranquillisers.

[KATIEB_23 10]

Aah I think the penny dropped

[Gripper Stebson 10]

Aah I think the penny dropped

 

 

More like a thud!

My only excuse being that i'm having to read these things quickly while doing work.

[KATIEB_23 10]

I'm far from from perfect....

Modest too! wow

(Just kidding with you )

 

This whole situation is reminding me of my ex.

 

He was a nice bloke, definitely not a male chauvinist pig, or selfish etc... but he went straight from living at home as a teenager to Uni Halls to living with me. When you have never got used to doing something and have never been asked to, it becomes habit that it wouldn't even occur to you to do certain things.

 

I inadvertantly carried on in the same vein as his Mum, picking up his clothes, tidying, cooking etc (because I enjoyed it to begin with)... until one day about 4yrs later I realised I had accidentally honed him into being lazy and domestically useless - and it was as much my fault as his!

 

The OP's partner may not be an a*hole, he just might not be used to taking responsibility for himself and his household yet.

 

If he wants to make the relationship work he should be given a chance to reach a compromise.

 

I still definitely stand by the theory of specific areas of responsibility as a good solution. There's no use expecting someone to suddenly become great at everything all in one go.

[KATIEB_23 10]

More like a thud!

My only excuse being that i'm having to read these things quickly while doing work.

Haha - ditto! (through a small envelope sized window at the bottom of the screen!)

[Pscylo 10]

Haha - ditto! (through a small envelope sized window at the bottom of the screen!)

 

Me still no understand.

 

I can see a post was edited, but can't see the original.

[Dozy 11]

Modest too! wow

(Just kidding with you )

 

This whole situation is reminding me of my ex.

 

He was a nice bloke, definitely not a male chauvinist pig, or selfish etc... but he went straight from living at home as a teenager to Uni Halls to living with me. When you have never got used to doing something and have never been asked to, it becomes habit that it wouldn't even occur to you to do certain things.

 

I inadvertantly carried on in the same vein as his Mum, picking up his clothes, tidying, cooking etc (because I enjoyed it to begin with)... until one day about 4yrs later I realised I had accidentally honed him into being lazy and domestically useless - and it was as much my fault as his!

 

The OP's partner may not be an a*hole, he just might not be used to taking responsibility for himself and his household yet.

 

If he wants to make the relationship work he should be given a chance to reach a compromise.

 

I still definitely stand by the theory of specific areas of responsibility as a good solution. There's no use expecting someone to suddenly become great at everything all in one go.

My bold

 

At 27, and with a child, he damn well should be ready to take some responsibility! And it's not as if the OP hasn't tried to get him more involved:

 

"Its not that I ant trained him he just cant be bothered....We have a big arguement about it hes fine for a week or so then it all gets left to me again..."

 

That, to me, indicates an idle sod, who gets away with doing as little as possible, in the knowledge that the OP will get fed up and do the work herself. The fact that he won't play with his own daughter or take her to the park is truly appalling, as far as I'm concerned, and shows total selfishness. He is, in fact, acting like he's another child in the relationship, rather than the father.

 

I don't think talking to him, or making lists, or having a whiteboard with tasks written on it is going to do any good at all. The result is likely to be another week or two of "good" behaviour, then he'll slip back into his old ways. It's worked for him before, so he has no reason to believe that it won't work again.

 

The OP needs to make him realise that she's really had enough of the way he's behaving and I think the only way to do that is to suggest that they go to Relate for counselling.

 

This would be a positive step towards mending the relationship and should work better than negative actions, like not doing the cooking, not doing the dishes, not doing his washing, which will only lead to him being defensive and yet more arguments.

 

If a child wasn't involved, my advice would be to pack the idle get's bags and change the locks!!

[Kthebean 10]

RE: severe depression. With lots of nights out with mates and season ticket to all the games, probably not.

[KATIEB_23 10]

Me still no understand.

 

I can see a post was edited, but can't see the original.

He thought you were a bossy woman!

 

(I assume cos one of your posts started with "I think you need a lesson in man management..." so he then read everything you had said in the wrong context eg "this is what I've trained my hubby to do... all the housework... pay for me" etc etc)

[Pscylo 10]

I'm assuming I've not offered views you find constructive then? It seems that you think that because a woman has children she must never rebel against an appalling domestic situation other than from within.

 

I think you will find that this attitude is what has kept so many women in appalling domestic arrangements in years gone by. Women do not need to do this. Children are equally in need of a good role model and if this woman needs to prove to herself, the man and her children that she has validity in the relationship and the world then that may not involve sitting around plotting with a whiteboard and a packet of tranquillisers.

 

Read previous post regarding use of the word "assume".

 

What has kept women in appalling situations is lack of state and family support, they have nowhere to turn to. It's really quite naive to think otherwise. If you tell someone often enough that they are worthless, they'll believe eventually.

 

I don't believe this is one of these situations. This isn't "where is the refuge", this is "am I being unreasonable". In this instance there is no family or state support that we know of, but there is the community here. OK, we're ethereal, but we've confirmed for her that she isn't being unreasonable, and offered constructive suggestions for resolution.

 

You haven't, and you are categorically wrong for doing so. You don't know the full story, and suggesting she walk out to "fix" things is ludicrous. You are clearly not qualified to offer that advice, the fact that you did clearly shows that to be the case. She wants support, she hasn't asked whether she should rip her family to pieces.

[Pscylo 10]

The OP needs to make him realise that she's really had enough of the way he's behaving and I think the only way to do that is to suggest that they go to Relate for counselling.

 

Sound advice, though if I'm honest I think talking overrated as a means of solving problems.

 

That's actually a quote from a film (pop quiz - which fim?), but I do believe it. Take notice of what people do, not what the say.

[Gripper Stebson 10]

He thought you were a bossy woman!

 

(I assume cos one of your posts started with "I think you need a lesson in man management..." so he then read everything you had said in the wrong context eg "this is what I've trained my hubby to do... all the housework... pay for me" etc etc)

 

 

What she said.