Am I just asking for too much to expect him to help with the chores?

[Pscylo 10]

You absolutely are NOT out of order in what you are asking of your partner. It is not your responsibility to train him, and it wasn't his mothers either, - he is an adult and is clearly avoiding responsibility all over the place. You have a choice about how YOU want to live your life. Do you want to expend all this energy on someone who is happy to treat his partner like a slave and who will fight you all the way?

 

Whilst there comes a point when you have to call it day, neither you nor I know whether this has been reached yet. I would suggest that it hasn't been given that the post is "am I asking for too much" and not "two bedroom house required urgently".

 

You are again suggesting a continuation of the previous seven years efforts, which hasn't worked so far. Why would it work this time? You alternative is to split up a relationship including a child. It's likely that there would be a cost to you, me and the child if that happens. There are other avenues to explore first - the OP didn't ask whether should leave; she'll know when when to do that if the time comes and you aren't qualified to offer that advice.

[KATIEB_23 10]

And that's an entirely valid reason. If he hasn't been indoctrinated in the ways f the house, then he won't know what needs doing when. I never put a load of washing on, or iron, or hoover those aren't my jobs and I wouldn't know when they need doing (because I'm not looking for it), but I do get a meal ready every day, get the kids and the wife off to school, make packup, do the shopping, fix bikes, drive kids/missus everywhere etc.

 

I suggest you give him a chore or two that is his responsibility and his alone.

 

Yes what a good idea, that is how we work.

 

You can't expect a boy to 'notice' when something needs doing if it is not something he is used to looking out for. And it's a bit patronising/bossy to notice it yourself then have to tell him what to do all the time.

 

Much better to have whole aspects that he takes whole ownership of the responsibility for.

 

eg

I ALWAYS do the cooking - he ALWAYS does the washing up

I always do the bathroom - he always does the hoovering

I do the food shopping - he picks me up & does all driving in general

I sort & wash the laundry - we 50/50 hang it up - he does the ironing.

etc.

 

Some things work out better for a man to do because they are stronger and will be able to do it better (flattery gets you everywhere!)

[Gripper Stebson 10]

Rot - you need to learn something about man management.

 

I have no doubt that he's lazy, but you aren't looking at the bigger picture. The OP is asking whether she's asking too much; I don't believe she is but you need to make it idiot proof. You can sit there and expect him to do things on spec, but after 7 years, I think you can safely assume it isn't going to happen.

 

The OP has effectively trained him to ignore all the areas of housework over the last seven years, and she's now seeing the error of her ways.

 

I don't really see a house as anything other than a "business", in that it needs to be managed. The tack that you are all taking is to expect the housework to be done without management. Why do you think some families have rotas?

 

Now you have two ways of doing this, one person manages and delegates tasks as and when they need doing (not a good idea - it's likely to lead to arguments when you expect him to do something at your beck and call which gets very tedious very quickly (fishwife anyone?), or alternatively by introducing areas of responsibility. The washing up is a good one because if he doesn't wash the dishes, she has nowhere to put his dinner!

 

You can sit there on your high horse knowing that he should do it, but it isn't helping you get it done.

 

 

Utter tripe - you are implying that I'm not a "keeper", and I would challenge that. I've not given you enough information to make that judgement.

 

Do I know what needs doing in a house - of course I do - but am I looking for it, no, because it isn't my responsibility and ultimately I have been trained not to look for (as my wife has been trained not to worry about shopping/cooking etc). I think you'll find that this is exactly what has happened with the OP - the BF has been trained for a quarter of his life not to look for things to do.

 

To be quite frank though I have a much bigger agenda than whether he washing gets done or not, I have far more important things to think about. If you're suggesting I don't do my share, then you are mistaken.

 

In context, I run a business that turns over well into six figures a year, I have primary parental responsibility for my two girls (8 & 10 years), and unless things deviate from my plan, I am here to see them off in the morning, and am here when they arrive in the afternoon. I shop, cook, keep the kitchen clean (my domain), I'm the taxi, the childminder when the kids are ill, I do all things mechanical. All in all I reckon I do more than the wife, but I don't mind.

 

We have two or three holidays a year which I pay for (we only did one this year though it was a month in Crete), we live in a big four bed room detached house which I pay for. She doesn't pay for anything because she is a full time mature student.

 

Tomorrow I won't see her from 8am until 11pm because she's out with the kids from Uni (well that's what she tells me could be something else )

 

What's more, we uprooted ourseves from Cambridgeshire to come here so that the wife could attend university (without missing out on the kids) at considerable cost (which I paid). That said I love it here though and don't regret it at all.

 

So before you start with your tedious ad hominem attack I suggest that you remember what they say about "assume".

 

The tack you are suggesting is to continue with an approach that hasn't worked for seven years. Doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result is a fairly good definition of insanity; clearly something different is required and unless you have something constructive to say I would suggest you keep quiet.

 

A solution could be as simple as a white board to write tasks on: it avoids confrontation, if there's more than one task to do he can choose, he can do it when it's convenient for him and there's no loss of face.

 

If there's no improvement then perhaps he's beyond redemption. I'm just trying to offer constructive advice. I've man managed for 20 years, and I know a little about it.

 

 

This bloke is to be admired.

Mainly for the fact it saved the rest of the male population from ever having to meet someone like you.

[feargal 21]

Sell the Xbox etc, and spend the money on getting an ironing service in. It'll free up his time to spend with his daughter, and you get one less chore to argue about.

[Ruglady 10]

This bloke is to be admired.

Mainly for the fact it saved the rest of the male population from ever having to meet someone like you.

 

Like who? Are you confused? Do you want to be with him or do you hate his wife for some reason?

[KATIEB_23 10]

Calm down dear. I wasn't referring to you. I have heard lots and lots of other men use the excuse 'I just dont know what needs doing'.

 

In my opinion it wont be easy to fix. The partner clearly doesn't care about or respect the OP and their daughter. If it was just the cleaning, its not too bad, but its the not spending time with them as well.

 

Personally, my relationship isn't 'man management', its a partnership. Thats how I prefer to look at it anyway!

 

PS HAVE you considered wifeswap?

 

I'm guessing that quite a few women on here would like to swap with Pscylo right now!

[Pscylo 10]

Calm down dear. I wasn't referring to you. I have heard lots and lots of other men use the excuse 'I just dont know what needs doing'.

I'm entirely calm, but your post was hardly intended as a kind word and I think it would be disingenuous for you to say otherwise. I don't really care what you think of me, but I don't really deserve any opprobrium for the post I made. I'm just trying to be constructive here (there are kids involved after all), which few have.

 

Incidentally I use the "reason" often too - and it's entirely legitimate.You just have to remove the objection/obstacle

In my opinion it wont be easy to fix. The partner clearly doesn't care about or respect the OP and their daughter. If it was just the cleaning, its not too bad, but its the not spending time with them as well.

Without removing the obstacle, you can't really get to the crux of it. Some of the behaviour decribed here is indicative of severe depression (not saying it is, but we aren't cose enough to see). All I can do is offer constructive advice particularly regarding males in relationships (and I wouldn't consider myself a "new" man either).

 

Personally, my relationship isn't 'man management', its a partnership. Thats how I prefer to look at it anyway!

I didn't refer to my relationship as man management. You need to read the post a little more carefully. My relationship is a partnership (slightly unequal but not massively so) too.

PS HAVE you considered wifeswap?

 

That's just bearbaiting of the worst kind; no better than Jeremy Kyle.

[Kthebean 10]

Psyclo - clearly we misunderstand each other. I apologise for any offence I have caused.

[Pscylo 10]

I'm guessing that quite a few women on here would like to swap with Pscylo right now!

 

I'm far from from perfect, I give her a good thrashing every now and again.

 

Seriously though, we just both accept our areas of responsibility and it works quite well. We're neither of us perfect, but if you don't sweat the litte things, the big ones get easier.

[Pscylo 10]

Like who? Are you confused? Do you want to be with him or do you hate his wife for some reason?

 

No I don't quite get that one either. Elucidate please?

[Gripper Stebson 10]

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Edited October 14, 2009 by Gripper Stebson

[KATIEB_23 10]

You are DEFINITELY confused... Pscylo is a man!!