Am I just asking for too much to expect him to help with the chores?

[Bloomdido 10]

Hi Rach. I work in Rotherham too. Come and have a cuppa and a moan round at my place and tell him you are meeting up with another man!

[KATIEB_23 10]

I tend not to iron. Fold clothes neatly and place in a well aired place and there is no problem with creasing or such.

 

Ironing is for those hire people who you pay a couple of quid to and they do a mighty fine job.

 

Yay for those ironing people.

 

Dragon of Ana

 

Where do you get one of these people?!

Would they do small amounts on an irregular basis?

[Ju-Ju 10]

....secondly not knowing what girls like to do is just a flat out excuse to be a lazy bugger. I have a 4 month old daughter and all she wants to do at the moment is be fussed, loved, get attention and smile.....as she grows up she will want to do certain things, some femenine and some unisex......i myself will take the whole male pride and play little games with my daughter and make that bond between us...QUOTE]

 

I'm a woman and have two boys. Over the years they have taught me lots about what boys like to do. E.g. I now know how to play star wars, with relevant, explosive sound affects, how to build a den, I know more about sport than I ever wanted to and I know how important it is to find a really good stick when you're walking through the woods. Parents are responsible for tuning in to what their keeds need. Ignore all the sexist posts on here designed to wind you up. You absolutely are NOT out of order in what you are asking of your partner. It is not your responsibility to train him, and it wasn't his mothers either, - he is an adult and is clearly avoiding responsibility all over the place. You have a choice about how YOU want to live your life. Do you want to expend all this energy on someone who is happy to treat his partner like a slave and who will fight you all the way?

[Berlin 10]

Each morning leave a little note setting out;

 

a. What needs doing in the house that day

 

b. The fact that he is not now, and never will be, the Duke of Kent.

[Ruglady 10]

Each morning leave a little note setting out;

 

a. What needs doing in the house that day

 

b. The fact that he is not now, and never will be, the Duke of Kent.

 

:hihi: Very funny.

[Gripper Stebson 10]

Each morning leave a little note setting out;

 

a. What needs doing in the house that day

 

b. The fact that he is not now, and never will be, the Duke of Kent.

 

 

I would advise against this.

Not only will it p !$$ him off, it will make him more determined not to do it!

[Berlin 10]

I would advise against this.

Not only will it p !$$ him off, it will make him more determined not to do it!

 

Well, if he still refuses, its time for plan B.

 

Withdraw all services - Starve the bugger out of his torpor!

[Pscylo 10]

If you see a pile of dirty pots then you wash them. If you see dust on everything then you clean it off. If the carpet is covered with muck then you vacuum. If there is laundry everywhere then you sort it.

 

The idea that some lazy prat has not been told what to do and therefore does not know what needs doing is pathetic.

 

Rot - you need to learn something about man management.

 

I have no doubt that he's lazy, but you aren't looking at the bigger picture. The OP is asking whether she's asking too much; I don't believe she is but you need to make it idiot proof. You can sit there and expect him to do things on spec, but after 7 years, I think you can safely assume it isn't going to happen.

 

The OP has effectively trained him to ignore all the areas of housework over the last seven years, and she's now seeing the error of her ways.

 

I don't really see a house as anything other than a "business", in that it needs to be managed. The tack that you are all taking is to expect the housework to be done without management. Why do you think some families have rotas?

 

Now you have two ways of doing this, one person manages and delegates tasks as and when they need doing (not a good idea - it's likely to lead to arguments when you expect him to do something at your beck and call which gets very tedious very quickly (fishwife anyone?), or alternatively by introducing areas of responsibility. The washing up is a good one because if he doesn't wash the dishes, she has nowhere to put his dinner!

 

You can sit there on your high horse knowing that he should do it, but it isn't helping you get it done.

It amazes me how blokes who usually pride themselves on their intelligence and common sense can say things like “how am I supposed to know when the floor needs hoovering”

 

Have you considered going on wifeswap?

 

Utter tripe - you are implying that I'm not a "keeper", and I would challenge that. I've not given you enough information to make that judgement.

 

Do I know what needs doing in a house - of course I do - but am I looking for it, no, because it isn't my responsibility and ultimately I have been trained not to look for (as my wife has been trained not to worry about shopping/cooking etc). I think you'll find that this is exactly what has happened with the OP - the BF has been trained for a quarter of his life not to look for things to do.

 

To be quite frank though I have a much bigger agenda than whether he washing gets done or not, I have far more important things to think about. If you're suggesting I don't do my share, then you are mistaken.

 

In context, I run a business that turns over well into six figures a year, I have primary parental responsibility for my two girls (8 & 10 years), and unless things deviate from my plan, I am here to see them off in the morning, and am here when they arrive in the afternoon. I shop, cook, keep the kitchen clean (my domain), I'm the taxi, the childminder when the kids are ill, I do all things mechanical. All in all I reckon I do more than the wife, but I don't mind.

 

We have two or three holidays a year which I pay for (we only did one this year though it was a month in Crete), we live in a big four bed room detached house which I pay for. She doesn't pay for anything because she is a full time mature student.

 

Tomorrow I won't see her from 8am until 11pm because she's out with the kids from Uni (well that's what she tells me could be something else )

 

What's more, we uprooted ourseves from Cambridgeshire to come here so that the wife could attend university (without missing out on the kids) at considerable cost (which I paid). That said I love it here though and don't regret it at all.

 

So before you start with your tedious ad hominem attack I suggest that you remember what they say about "assume".

 

The tack you are suggesting is to continue with an approach that hasn't worked for seven years. Doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result is a fairly good definition of insanity; clearly something different is required and unless you have something constructive to say I would suggest you keep quiet.

 

A solution could be as simple as a white board to write tasks on: it avoids confrontation, if there's more than one task to do he can choose, he can do it when it's convenient for him and there's no loss of face.

 

If there's no improvement then perhaps he's beyond redemption. I'm just trying to offer constructive advice. I've man managed for 20 years, and I know a little about it.

[Pscylo 10]

This really has a simple solution.

 

Put your things in a bag. Open door. Walk through it.

 

In a few days, you will either have the man he should be begging you to come back or you will need to return and pack another bag for your child and get out of that door again.

 

Don't ever apply for a job at relate; there is a family at stake here.

[Ruglady 10]

Rot - you need to learn something about man management.

 

I have no doubt that he's lazy, but you aren't looking at the bigger picture. The OP is asking whether she's asking too much; I don't believe she is but you need to make it idiot proof. You can sit there and expect him to do things on spec, but after 7 years, I think you can safely assume it isn't going to happen.

 

The OP has effectively trained him to ignore all the areas of housework over the last seven years, and she's now seeing the error of her ways.

 

I don't really see a house as anything other than a "business", in that it needs to be managed. The tack that you are all taking is to expect the housework to be done without management. Why do you think some families have rotas?

 

Now you have two ways of doing this, one person manages and delegates tasks as and when they need doing (not a good idea - it's likely to lead to arguments when you expect him to do something at your beck and call which gets very tedious very quickly (fishwife anyone?), or alternatively by introducing areas of responsibility. The washing up is a good one because if he doesn't wash the dishes, she has nowhere to put his dinner!

 

You can sit there on your high horse knowing that he should do it, but it isn't helping you get it done.

 

 

Utter tripe - you are implying that I'm not a "keeper", and I would challenge that. I've not given you enough information to make that judgement.

 

Do I know what needs doing in a house - of course I do - but am I looking for it, no, because it isn't my responsibility and ultimately I have been trained not to look for (as my wife has been trained not to worry about shopping/cooking etc). I think you'll find that this is exactly what has happened with the OP - the BF has been trained for a quarter of his life not to look for things to do.

 

To be quite frank though I have a much bigger agenda than whether he washing gets done or not, I have far more important things to think about. If you're suggesting I don't do my share, then you are mistaken.

 

In context, I run a business that turns over well into six figures a year, I have primary parental responsibility for my two girls (8 & 10 years), and unless things deviate from my plan, I am here to see them off in the morning, and am here when they arrive in the afternoon. I shop, cook, keep the kitchen clean (my domain), I'm the taxi, the childminder when the kids are ill, I do all things mechanical. All in all I reckon I do more than the wife, but I don't mind.

 

We have two or three holidays a year which I pay for (we only did one this year though it was a month in Crete), we live in a big four bed room detached house which I pay for. She doesn't pay for anything because she is a full time mature student.

 

Tomorrow I won't see her from 8am until 11pm because she's out with the kids from Uni (well that's what she tells me could be something else )

 

What's more, we uprooted ourseves from Cambridgeshire to come here so that the wife could attend university (without missing out on the kids) at considerable cost (which I paid). That said I love it here though and don't regret it at all.

 

So before you start with your tedious ad hominem attack I suggest that you remember what they say about "assume".

 

The tack you are suggesting is to continue with an approach that hasn't worked for seven years. Doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result is a fairly good definition of insanity; clearly something different is required and unless you have something constructive to say I would suggest you keep quiet.

 

A solution could be as simple as a white board to write tasks on: it avoids confrontation, if there's more than one task to do he can choose, he can do it when it's convenient for him and there's no loss of face.

 

If there's no improvement then perhaps he's beyond redemption. I'm just trying to offer constructive advice. I've man managed for 20 years, and I know a little about it.

 

Wow. Clearly if this OP was married to such a reasonable and supportive man then she may be able to sit down and sort things out.

 

As it is I don't think she has a chance and I still think he needs a short sharp shock before she is truly at the end of her tether and she will sleep with someone else. It is her first point of rebellion. I stick by my assertion that she should leave him temporarily.

[Ruglady 10]

Don't ever apply for a job at relate; there is a family at stake here.

 

I speak with experience actually.

[Kthebean 10]

Rot - you need to learn something about man management.

 

I have no doubt that he's lazy, but you aren't looking at the bigger picture. The OP is asking whether she's asking too much; I don't believe she is but you need to make it idiot proof. You can sit there and expect him to do things on spec, but after 7 years, I think you can safely assume it isn't going to happen.

 

The OP has effectively trained him to ignore all the areas of housework over the last seven years, and she's now seeing the error of her ways.

 

I don't really see a house as anything other than a "business", in that it needs to be managed. The tack that you are all taking is to expect the housework to be done without management. Why do you think some families have rotas?

 

Now you have two ways of doing this, one person manages and delegates tasks as and when they need doing (not a good idea - it's likely to lead to arguments when you expect him to do something at your beck and call which gets very tedious very quickly (fishwife anyone?), or alternatively by introducing areas of responsibility. The washing up is a good one because if he doesn't wash the dishes, she has nowhere to put his dinner!

 

You can sit there on your high horse knowing that he should do it, but it isn't helping you get it done.

 

 

Utter tripe - you are implying that I'm not a "keeper", and I would challenge that. I've not given you enough information to make that judgement.

 

Do I know what needs doing in a house - of course I do - but am I looking for it, no, because it isn't my responsibility and ultimately I have been trained not to look for (as my wife has been trained not to worry about shopping/cooking etc). I think you'll find that this is exactly what has happened with the OP - the BF has been trained for a quarter of his life not to look for things to do.

 

To be quite frank though I have a much bigger agenda than whether he washing gets done or not, I have far more important things to think about. If you're suggesting I don't do my share, then you are mistaken.

 

In context, I run a business that turns over well into six figures a year, I have primary parental responsibility for my two girls (8 & 10 years), and unless things deviate from my plan, I am here to see them off in the morning, and am here when they arrive in the afternoon. I shop, cook, keep the kitchen clean (my domain), I'm the taxi, the childminder when the kids are ill, I do all things mechanical. All in all I reckon I do more than the wife, but I don't mind.

 

We have two or three holidays a year which I pay for (we only did one this year though it was a month in Crete), we live in a big four bed room detached house which I pay for. She doesn't pay for anything because she is a full time mature student.

 

Tomorrow I won't see her from 8am until 11pm because she's out with the kids from Uni (well that's what she tells me could be something else )

 

What's more, we uprooted ourseves from Cambridgeshire to come here so that the wife could attend university (without missing out on the kids) at considerable cost (which I paid). That said I love it here though and don't regret it at all.

 

So before you start with your tedious ad hominem attack I suggest that you remember what they say about "assume".

 

The tack you are suggesting is to continue with an approach that hasn't worked for seven years. Doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result is a fairly good definition of insanity; clearly something different is required and unless you have something constructive to say I would suggest you keep quiet.

 

A solution could be as simple as a white board to write tasks on: it avoids confrontation, if there's more than one task to do he can choose, he can do it when it's convenient for him and there's no loss of face.

 

If there's no improvement then perhaps he's beyond redemption. I'm just trying to offer constructive advice. I've man managed for 20 years, and I know a little about it.

 

Calm down dear. I wasn't referring to you. I have heard lots and lots of other men use the excuse 'I just dont know what needs doing'.

 

In my opinion it wont be easy to fix. The partner clearly doesn't care about or respect the OP and their daughter. If it was just the cleaning, its not too bad, but its the not spending time with them as well.

 

Personally, my relationship isn't 'man management', its a partnership. Thats how I prefer to look at it anyway!

 

PS HAVE you considered wifeswap?