February 2011 competition entries

[Ron Blanco]

February theme & competition: Romantic Comedy

 

After a cold, dark winter, many of us are left depressed and miserable. Any opportunity to laugh is like a shaft of light piercing the gloom.

 

February is also host to Valentine’s Day. Ah, isn’t that nice! A day when flowers, gifts and teddy bear cards are exchanged around the world. A day when lovers hold hands across candle-lit tables. Or… a day when romantic plans go horribly awry, with horrendous or hilarious consequences!

 

You’ve guessed it. This month’s challenge is to write a short piece of 500 words or less, involving a romantic episode that goes wrong. Marks will be awarded for excrutiating tales that induce sharp intakes of breath, with the highest marks reserved for any laugh out loud moments.

 

TO ENTER: Competition entries of 500 words or less should be posted on this thread (a slight change from last month). If you prefer to write a longer story, outside of the competition, then please post it in a new thread with both the title and 'February 2011' in the heading.

 

JUDGING: Tallyman and myself will judge the entries, and will announce the winner in early March.

 

THE PRIZE: The prestige of becoming the SFWG Competition Winner AND the opportunity to choose the writing theme for April 2011.

 

Any problems posting/uploading your piece, please consult the guidance 'stickies' at the top of the Forum page. If you still have problems, please contact either Tallyman or Ron Blanco.

 

Have fun!

 

Ron Blanco

[maidinsheff]

Tarnation! Here's me, a miserable old bat (single parent for 18 years- dumped for something a bit flashier - you know the story) and you have to pick 'ROMANCE!'

 

*&££@@**¬ is all I can say!

[Ron Blanco]

Now, now, maidinsheff, there's no need to curse.

 

You could see it as a chance to get things off your chest OR you could view it as a chance to turn over a new leaf. For example, you could invent a wicked waitress who poisons romantic diners. Alternatively, why not imagine a tale about a miserable old bat who has a secret, but clumsy, admirer?

[greg2]

MEETING EMILY

February 2011

You get talking to people sometimes when you’re walking a dog, but I don’t know what had possessed me to ask this one to meet up for another walk the next morning. Maybe it was because the dogs got on well. Maybe it was because we had actually managed a bit of conversation. Or maybe it was because she was cuddled up in her parka and leggings and ankle boots with her hair up and a strand either side which fell forward and curved round her cheek bones.

I had already confided in Bob my collie that she probably wouldn’t turn up, and the weather forecast was certainly no encouragement. But there she was, outside the infant school as we agreed, with Emily her Ridgeback.

“Hello Emily” I said to the dog, and turning to her “I hope we’re not late.”

“No, but my name is Emily. The dog’s name is Mary.”

No such awkwardness between Mary and Bob, who were sniffing intimately in the entrance to the infant school. We grabbed them and set off up the hill.

We were halfway through the woods when the rain became a downpour.

“If we run down to the road we can shelter in the bus stop” I suggested, stepping off the path in the direction of the road so as to provide a manly lead. My foot slid across the wet mud and in a flash I was on the ground. As I struggled up through a bramble something ripped, but I was looking round for Emily. She had gone a few feet further along the path before realising I was no longer beside her.

“Oh! Are you all right?” she asked.

“Yes thanks, but I guess that’s blown my debonair, James Bond look.” I could see she was holding back a smile. “You can laugh if you like.” She smiled – it was a pretty smile – and then laughed out loud. Her laughter was infectious. I smiled back, a small lump of mud sliding into my mouth. Suddenly she stopped laughing, and dropped to her knees.

“One of my contact lenses has fallen out.”

I rushed to help. The dogs rushed to help too. In a second their leads were intertwined, and with a joyous leap they pulled us both over. The dogs ran off. Back in the mud I found we had landed close together, so close that I had planted a muddy boot on Emily’s long white scarf.

I looked Emily in the eye. At least I hoped so. There was a fifty/fifty chance this was the eye which still had its contact lens, and I am a glass half-full sort of person.

Sometime later we found the dogs, in the park. They had rounded up a group of small children and were herding them towards the boating pond. We rescued the children. Assuming we were sleeping rough, an elderly lady offered us 50p for a cup of tea.

[Kaimani]

valentines.

 

personal ad-7th February.

 

A night for two in Malta. Nice villa, near the beach. Self catering and lots of privacy. Flights included.

 

To depart from Stanstead on the 13th.

 

Will accept nearest offer or trade for anything of similar value.

Edited February 15, 2011 by Kaimani
.

[Lady Agatha]

Ok, I'm throwing my hat into the ring for the first time, here goes:

 

 

The last time that Bill had tried anything on with Angela, she had slapped him. Hard. Full on the face with the flat of her palm. It left a big red mark on his face that smarted. Bill’s ego continued to smart for some time after the red mark on his cheek faded – luckily just in time for his return to work on Monday morning. As they prepared for bed that night, Angela could trace the shape of her fingers on the side of his face. She had almost apologised, but in the end decided not to. The silence was too heavy to break and she doubted that he would acknowledge her. Whenever they fell out over anything, his policy was always to remain silent.

 

So, she kept her feelings to herself. Her resentment at his lack of recognition of her tiredness made her even more determined to be tired. She started going to bed straight after the children every evening, just to prove a point.

 

February 14th fell on Angela’s ‘day off’ work. She much preferred to be at work –at least she got a sit down and regular tea breaks there. Days off involved shopping – not just for the family but for the in-laws as well. This was followed by the mental assault course that was communicating with his parents without causing upset. But she didn’t leave the house as early as she did when going to work in order to get on top of the laundry. So this particular February 14th she was in when the post arrived. A pink, printed envelope addressed to her was on the top. She opened it – a Valentine’s card from an internet cardshop. No postmark or handwriting. It had to be from Bill – who else? Blimey, a Valentine’s card after all this time. Was he finally acknowledging everything? She decided that she would forgive him and give him one last try. But there would have to be conditions. She laid them all out in her head all day long and was prepared to recite them when he came home.

 

Bill looked at her blankly as she set out her terms from behind the ironing board. Then he turned away and saw the card stood on the mantelpiece. He walked over, picked it up, then waved it at her “Who’s this from?” He demanded.

“You!” Angela stopped ironing abruptly.

“No it isn’t”

“Yes it is – who else would it be from?”

“You tell me. Is this what you get up to on your day off?”

Angela threw the iron at him. And that’s how the argument that settled it all began.

 

Alice walked in the living room and made vomiting noises as she stepped over her canoodling parents. “Mum, did I get a card in the post this morning? Danni reckons that Josh sent me one over the net.”

Of course. The card had been addressed to Ms A Wilson. Angela was prone to forget how quickly her daughter was growing up. “Oh dear, try the mantelpiece dear. Sorry.”

[Geza]

February Phone Calls

 

‘Hello?’

‘Hey Sis.’

‘Hi Kate!’

‘All set for your big day?’

‘Yes! I’ve booked the helicopter ride-I know as chief bride’s maid you wanted to do it, but it’s one less thing you need to worry about. Thing is though- I don’t want them calling here to confirm in case Danny answers, so I’ve given them your number- can’t remember the name of the company though.’

‘That’s ok, Laura- just remind me of the details again.’

‘*sigh*, the venue is ‘Lady Chanterlilly’s House and the Helicopter can set down in the private gardens at the rear. Danny will be waiting outside. Is Steve still bringing you?’

‘No- I dumped him- don’t freak out- it’s all in hand. I’ve called in the professionals.’

‘You’re not walking down the aisle at my wedding wearing a gigolo on your arm!’

‘He’ll just be a normal looking guy. No one need know he charges by the hour. Anyway, I’ve already left my details- just waiting for ‘Mister Right’ to ring back.’

 

......................................................o0o............................................

‘Hello, this is a message for Miss Robertson, this is… oh I hate these blinkin machines. I’m ringing to confirm your order for Saturday 12th February. Let me see- the order book’s smudged. The big chopper you specified will rendezvous at your lady garden- approached from the rear at 11.00 hours.’

Click

.......................................................o0o...........................................

 

‘Laura!’

‘Kate?’

‘He’s rang-my date for Saturday is sorted.’

‘Does he sound nice?’

‘He sounds well-endowed and up for it!’

*groan*

‘Lighten up Laura, I’m a big girl now.’

‘Okay, okay at least you won’t look like an old spinster- just keep him away from Grandma okay? Listen when the helicopter firm rings- could you ask if the pilot will be wearing a pilot’s uniform like Richard Gere in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’?’

‘Sis, Richard Gere played a Navy officer in that film.’

‘And remind them they are taking the bride’s maids for a spin in it too’

‘I’ll ask- hang on I have a call waiting- this could be them’

beep.

‘Hello, Kate Robertson speaking’

‘Hi Kate, I’m calling regarding your special order for Saturday.'

‘Yes- I’ve been waiting for your call- my sister has organised this up to now.’

‘Oh I see.’

‘She’s the bride.’

‘Yes the agency mentioned it was for a wedding. We can sort out the details now if you like.’

‘Great! Do you have a pilot’s uniform?'

‘Yes I’ll wear anything you want me to'

‘Lovely, it all adds to the experience doesn’t it? I just hope I’m not sick- I get terrible motion sickness.’

‘I’ll be gentle- don’t worry.’

‘That reminds me- how big is it? It needs to accommodate all the bride’s maids’

‘All the bride’s maids? That will be extra… ’

‘And the colour?’

*cough*?

‘White, black? Pink would be perfect!’

‘You can be assured ‘it’ is perfect.’

‘Yay- I can’t wait to see the bride’s face- she’s bound to want a ride.’

‘Won’t the- groom mind?’

‘Mind? ‘Why should he mind- you’ll be picking him up first.’

Click.

[maidinsheff]

Position Twenty Seven

 

It had seemed like a brilliant idea. A guaranteed way of getting a glimpse of Rachel’s knickers. Stewart sat with his legs crossed in front of him, back as straight as he could make it, eyes closed, and thoughts, that should have been focused on a clear blue sky, drifting lazily over the superb image of Rachel’s naked body. In his mind he knew every inch of it, every soft mound, every teasing little fold, every mole, every pore.......

“Twenty four.” Rachel announced and Stewart changed positions, unwrapping his legs and pushing them forward. Sliding his hands down his shins to grip his ankles, he leant forward, exhaling softly. He opened one eye and took a sneaky peek.

“Head down, Stewart.” Rachel ordered and he lowered his head immediately, closing the wanton eye . “Breathe in and breathe out. I want to hear you breathing.” He did as she commanded. He was putty in her hands.

Again the soft fertile body was before him, deliciously wrapped in pale pink skin, it smelled of lotus flower and ylang ylang, a heady mix that made him salivate.

“Twenty five.” She said and he stood up, his joints cracking as he did so. He felt embarrassed at the racket they made and he opened his eyes to look fully at Rachel. She was watching him and smirking in a way that wasn’t quite what he’d anticipated.

“You’re not very supple are you, Stewart,” She commented as she walked passed him. “but work with me and we can change that.”

Stewart frowned at her, not entirely sure whether she’d said ‘supple’ or ‘subtle’. If it was the latter then; “Damn! Was he that obvious?”

“Twenty five, Stewart.” She repeated and he spread his feet apart, lowering his hands, palms flat, against the mat. This one was agony. Downward facing dog. It was a speciality of Rachel’s and she could adopt the position with an ease that made him feel like a block of wood. This posture gave him cramp and he could already feel the muscles twitching. “Lift your hips skyward.” Rachel raised her voice as if she could verbally hoist his bum towards the ceiling.

“She’s got to be kidding!” Stewart gnawed at his bottom lip, wincing at the pain in his calves, his arms were shaking, struggling to hold the weight bearing down on them.

“Twenty Six.” Rachel piped.

Stewart lowered his backside to lay prone on the mat, raised his arms in front of him and became ‘Superman’.

“Hold it...........and relax.” Rachel freed the class from further torment. Stewart exhaled like a man who’d just escaped death by misadventure.

 

As he left the session, Rachel stood so close to him he could almost taste her lipgloss.

“Position Twenty Seven, next week.” She purred. “You’ll get the hang of yoga, I’m sure, but we must work on your flexibility.”

Stewart grinned and nodded, trying his best to conceal the one part of his anatomy that was anything but flexible at that moment.

 

MaidinSheff February 2011:D

[Ron Blanco]

Well done to everybody who took part in February's competition.

 

Who will be crowned The King/Queen of Romantic Comedy? All will be revealed soon...

[Ron Blanco]

February Competition Winner!

 

Well done to everyone who took part in the competition. Tallyman and myself were impressed with the quality of all the stories, and found it very difficult to decide. It could easily have gone one of several ways. Here are some of our comments about the entries:

 

MEETING EMILY by Greg2

Welcome to the group Greg2, and thank you for entertaining us with this generous helping of well-choreographed slapstick. This was a very enjoyable and smooth read. The description of Emily was both succinct and charming, making her instantly likeable. We both loved the 'glass half full' witticism with the contact lens, and the no-nonsense ‘courtship’ by the dogs provided a nice contrast to the hapless efforts of their owners. We felt the ending was a little abrupt, but were left smiling after reading this warm and witty piece. Top job.

 

VALENTINES by Kaimani

Kaimani, thank you for providing a very clever interlude between the longer stories. The implication of your advert is both powerful and sad.

 

UNTITLED by Lady Agatha

Well done for throwing your hat into the ring Lady Agatha, and in return we take our hats off to you. A good opening and tidy ending helped to make this a nicely rounded piece. You tricked us with some misdirection over the card, and gave us a good sense of Angela's frustration. However, perhaps it wasn't her tiredness that needed recognising, but all the things she did - unacknowledged - that caused her tiredness? In any case, the overall effect was satisfying and we both look forward to reading more of your stories.

 

FEBRUARY PHONE CALLS by Geza

Hi Geza. Thank you for providing some proper belly laughs with your downright wicked story. You start the reader wondering where it is all going, but then induce guffaws galore with the first phone message. A cleverly constructed farce, with a properly punchy ending. Very enjoyable.

 

POSITION TWENTY SEVEN by maidinsheff

Maidinsheff, well done for overcoming your qualms about this month’s theme. We both really enjoyed your cheeky and witty story. The inventive use of numbered yoga positions dictated the pace and helped to create a well-timed piece. The writing is uncomplicated but still colourfully descriptive. Some very nice touches are thrown in, such as the ambiguity with supple/subtle, which made this a very engaging read. And a good ending too!

 

 

And now for the winner!

Again, many thanks to all who took part in this competition; we very much hope you'll enter again, but this month, our winner, by a whisker, is...

 

Maidinsheff, for ‘Position Twenty Seven’!

 

Well done to her! Maidinsheff now has the honour of choosing the theme for April!