Haitian Adoption

[Daveybee 10]

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1267304206.doc

 

Please let me know what you think of this.

Edited February 27, 2010 by Daveybee
more info

[maidinsheff 10]

Hi Daveybee

 

I enjoyed reading your poem – it has incredible rhythm and pace, almost like a drum beat, like a rap song – was this intentional?

The rhythm falters in places but on the whole it works and has some good imagery. I think hypercritic should be hypo-critic.

 

I was disappointed to see the reference to ‘slavery’ as it seems anything to do with blacks has to hark back to those days. I would have liked to have seen something more contemporary – eg the machete and gun wielding gangs which control most of Haiti’s neighbourhoods. The looting and lawlessness which is nothing new but which has impeded the aid relief and rescue efforts. This looting is not brought about by starvation as people would have us believe but by opportunism. These guys aren’t nicking food. There is no comment about the kleptocratic government or the dictators of the Duvalier/Aristide vein which have helped reduce Haiti to its present state. There is also already a very ‘healthy’ trade in fraud, trafficking, kidnapping and extortion going on in Haiti without the intervention of any well-meaning adoption agencies. http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis/cis_1134.html

 

I think your poem would be much much stronger if it dealt with the more pertinent problems in Haiti rather than finger pointing at ‘whites’. Set this against the spirit of those who hope for a better future for their kids – remember the image of the little boy who was rescued and handed to his mum? If not, go to:

http://mommylife.net/archives/2010/01/haiti_toddler_b.html

The look in his eyes says everything and crosses every language and cultural barrier on the planet. It gives us a glimpse of the ‘real’ Haiti if it were, as your poem suggest, ever allowed to blossom.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Maidinsheff

[Daveybee 10]

Maidinsheff,

Thank you for your comments, your the first person that hasn't been a friend or love one that has given input on my work, so it's very welcome. The correction of "hypo-critic" is also welcome as it has caused problems when reading it.

As for the issues within Haiti, while I'm aware of them, had I decided to address them, my poem would've been a book (not ready for that yet). No this was a response to well meaning but often misinformed westerners that feel that putting poor children in their cities, with their "knife and gun wielding gangs" is the answer.

[Ron Blanco 10]

It looks to me like it would make quite a provocative piece of stand-up poetry.

[Daveybee 10]

It's not meant to be pretty.

[Daveybee 10]

Gone to Leeds

Edited March 17, 2010 by Daveybee

[Halibut 12]

Hi Dave. I think your work has some potential - and I agree with the person who said that it would work well as stand-up.

 

However - I think you are limiting some of that potential by sticking so rigidly to the same rhyme scheme throughout the piece. It might do you well to step outside of it sometimes and have a bit of a wander. I also think it restricts your word choices rather severely too and although you do a pretty fair job I'm sure more 'open' structures and rhymes and lines of varying length would enhance your work a good deal.

 

Do you read and listen to other poets?

Don't be afraid to look really closely at the way that poems you like are put together. It can really help.

Good luck with it.

[Daveybee 10]

Halibut,

Thanks for your comments I've given them thought overnight and I think it's something that I'll play around with in the future.