Gareth's Last Stand - a short story - Feedback needed urgently

[andco 10]

I would like feedback on the final draft of a short story (2000 words) I've written which can be found at http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1243199551.doc.

 

Essentially the story is a combination of a story and a factual piece of narrative which I've merged with plain text for the story and italicised text for the factual narrative.

 

I'd appreciate constructive feedback as soon as possible because I need to submit it by Tuesday morning.

 

Mega thanks

[sauerkraut 10]

Hi andco

 

I'm just back from a short holiday & have only had time for a quick look, but since you've had no other replies here's a few initial thoughts from me

 

It's an interesting structure, and I think it could work well, but I felt I needed the timeline made clearer. The tenses jumped around rather: if they were more consistent it might be easier to work out what's happening when. It could just be me reading too quickly but I'm afraid I ended up rather confused.

 

Just to illustrate one of the changes of tense: in para 3 you "lurched" to a halt but you "open" the car door (and you open the car door twice, by the way). You're probably a bit short of time, now, but I wonder if it might work better to have, say, the italics sections consistently in the past tense and the non-italics consistently in the present.

 

I could feel for you as it's obviously a situation which has touched you very closely (I've been there too, so I do know what it's like). But I wonder if that made you assume a little too much knowledge on the part of the reader. I, for one, needed just a bit more spelt out. Again, just an example: "She told me I was the last person to be with Gareth alive." Who's she? I assumed it had to be the consultant, but he turns out to be male later. I was even a little unclear about the identity of the narrator - are you a friend, a girlfriend, or even a lawyer who becomes very close to her client? Please forgive me if I've missed something by reading too quickly

 

If you need to keep to the word count, you can create a bit more room for explaining what's happening if you leave out a couple of strands that don't go anywhere. I found myself looking later in the story for Pooch (= the dog?) and wondering about the PA and the client call. When they didn't reappear, it made me wonder if it was necessary to mention them in the first place. There are also a few repetitions that you might safely lose (e.g. "silence reigned" is used at least 3 times -- or was that intentional?). And cannot is one word, so if you contract all your can nots that gains you a few more words as well. I appreciate you probably don't want the story to go into great convoluted explanations about everything, and that part of the premise is to keep the reader guessing, but I do think the narrative would benefit from a few more pointers for the sauerkrauts of this world who can be a bit slow on the uptake .

 

Have another scour through the punctuation if you can, too. For direct speech, for instance, the comma goes inside the quotation marks: "Like this," she said.

 

I hope that doesn't all come across as too negative. To close on a positive note, I did like the understated emotion, and I did get a sense of Gareth's character, determination and dignity in such a sad situation.

 

Hope some of the above is of some use! Where are you submitting the story, by the way? Are you doing a creative writing course? Let us know how you get on!

[andco 10]

thanks for feedback. Very greatly appreciated.

 

Since posting I've made a fair few amendments including some stuff you've mentioned. Tenses - some was intentional. Pooch (a mad little pup had a larger role to play in the non-documentary part of this story and as she brings some lightness to what has since emerged, I've kept her in.

 

I've given a lot of thought to the "she" to whom you refer and decided I only wanted to make a passing reference to the person in question and the information they conveyed was important and not who the person was or the part they played. In a previous version they did not even have a gender. I simply said "They told me .... " or perhaps even "My source told me ... " so I'm wondering whether it might be better to take it back to that?

 

Silence - this played an important part and so I wanted to spell that out.

 

Changed can not to cannot has given me 5 extra words and with all the other amendments I've made it's now down to 1981 words - possibly less by the time I tidy up the tenses.

 

Narrator - a friend/colleague of many years standing. In the story part of this which is where the two key characters originated,

[Ron Blanco 10]

has given me 5 extra words and with all the other amendments I've made it's now down to 1981 words - possibly less by the time I tidy up the tenses.

 

Hi andco,

 

You also have two references to "imperious". I think you should reduce this by 50%. Clearly you don't have much time to make changes, so my only other suggestion would be to make it clear at the beginning that the consultant refers to a 'medical' consultant or Doctor, rather than another kind of consultant.

 

I thought the narrative and dialogue was good. I liked the line "Gareth flapped his arm imperiously to command silence". Really good. It really helps to give an immediate insight into his character.

 

I found the structure confusing. Having said that, I think it's sometimes ok to make the reader work at understanding a short story and that it should have layers of understanding. Perhaps if I'd read it a third time I would have realised how wonderful the structure is, and hopefully your tutor will come to that conclusion straight away. Full marks for inventiveness.

 

The other aspect I felt could be improved was in the description of the settings. I didn't get much feel for this, and I think this is another way of enhancing the atmosphere in a piece.

 

Thanks for posting it.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 25, 2009 by Ron Blanco

[andco 10]

Hi andco,

 

You also have two references to "imperious". I think you should reduce this by 50%. Clearly you don't have much time to make changes, so my only other suggestion would be to make it clear at the beginning that the consultant refers to a 'medical' consultant or Doctor, rather than another kind of consultant.

 

I thought the narrative and dialogue was good. I liked the line "Gareth flapped his arm imperiously to command silence". Really good. It really helps to give an immediate insight into his character.

 

I found the structure confusing. Having said that, I think it's sometimes ok to make the reader work at understanding a short story and that it should have layers of understanding. Perhaps if I'd read it a third time I would have realised how wonderful the structure is, and hopefully your tutor will come to that conclusion straight away. Full marks for inventiveness.

 

The other aspect I felt could be improved was in the description of the settings. I didn't get much feel for this, and I think this is another way of enhancing the atmosphere in a piece.

 

Thanks for posting it.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated. "imperious" was picked up yesterday evening by a friend.

 

What and/or how would you like to see the structure improved to meet your needs?

 

Wordcount is now at 2006 which is fine. I've cut a paragraph which simply adds irrelevant info, reduced Gareth's gasping speech to fewer words, tenses are consistent with past tense for italicised text and present tense for standard text.

 

Removed the informant's gender because to explain who they are and their role will take quite a bit of space which I could justify with a larger word count because there is an interesting sub plot going on here but the story isnt about them so I'm happy for the reader to speculate.

 

Not sure I understand where my "inventiveness" comes in to this story so would appreciate a little bit more explanation so that if there is anything else here I can take it in to account. Mega thanks

Edited May 25, 2009 by andco

[sauerkraut 10]

Glad it's coming together for you, andco.

 

Just remembered something I forgot to mention first time round, not that it's so desperately significant, but for when you do your final spellcheck it's Cheyne-Stokes breathing (not chain).

[andco 10]

Glad it's coming together for you, andco.

 

Just remembered something I forgot to mention first time round, not that it's so desperately significant, but for when you do your final spellcheck it's Cheyne-Stokes breathing (not chain).

 

Aha - Google got it wrong when it returned my spelling. And thank you so much for mentioning it. It is important as I cant guarantee readers will understand the term or its implications.

 

I was prompted to google the term when someone, who also thought I meant chain-smoking, picked up on it and asked if I meant chain smoking. I googled the term with my mis-spelling which returned quite a listing so I thought it was correct.

 

Any rate, I've added a 2-line paragraph for anyone who hasnt come across the term before to explain within the context of the story.

 

I'll update where I've got to later shortly.

[andco 10]

Hi andco,

 

You also have two references to "imperious". I think you should reduce this by 50%. Clearly you don't have much time to make changes, so my only other suggestion would be to make it clear at the beginning that the consultant refers to a 'medical' consultant or Doctor, rather than another kind of consultant.

 

I thought the narrative and dialogue was good. I liked the line "Gareth flapped his arm imperiously to command silence". Really good. It really helps to give an immediate insight into his character.

 

I found the structure confusing. Having said that, I think it's sometimes ok to make the reader work at understanding a short story and that it should have layers of understanding. Perhaps if I'd read it a third time I would have realised how wonderful the structure is, and hopefully your tutor will come to that conclusion straight away. Full marks for inventiveness.

 

The other aspect I felt could be improved was in the description of the settings. I didn't get much feel for this, and I think this is another way of enhancing the atmosphere in a piece.

 

Thanks for posting it.

 

Good luck.

 

Cut the description of settings when I merged the two unrelated documents but will include something because somehow I've lost about 30 words and then I'll repost it for anyone who's interested.

[andco 10]

Thanks Sauerkraut & RB for your invaluable comments to help fine tune this short story. Think I've covered and amended everything raised apart from structural issue which wasnt clarified enough for me to consider whether I'd want to make any amendments apart from perhaps reducing the word count which has crept back up to c. 2030 without any significant alterations to meaning.

 

Although I may be expecting a couple more comments from elsewhere, I've probably got to the final version: http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1243278787.doc.

 

Mega thanks again

[Ron Blanco 10]

My comments about inventiveness related to the quite sophisticated structure that you've used. I haven't reread the updated version yet, but look forward to doing so.