zakes

WATCH IT TIVVY, I CAN STILL SEE YA! It was Friday 22nd November and it had been wazzing it down all day long and a very saturated Dad Zakes had come home from work at Tungsten Carbide proclaiming ''Div got Kennedy, Div got Kennedy, Div got Kennedy''. Mum Zakes had shown a look of shock on her moon shaped face because he had wanted his spending money. Now nine days later Boy Zakes sprung from his pit and yanked the curtains open and peered out through the glass in the window frame and was glad to see the snow had melted and the sun was in full flow emitting its rays and warming up everything in sight. It was Sunday morning in the year 1963 and Boy Zakes had decided to mornge about for a while then to go out later to play. Having completed the arduous cat lick in the bathroom Boy Zakes slid down the banister and arrived downstairs on his backside. Boy Zakes kicked the kitchen door open and entered to be faced with a lovely bowl full of Nabisco shredded wheat with hot milk on the table (thanks mum). Having polished off his morning meal Boy Zakes went into the lounge intending to lounge about and was greeted byDad Zakes who was trying on a brand new pair of sized 9 winkle pickers. Boy ZAkes was watching his dad tying the laces and noticed how shiny the aglets looked and asked his dad how much the shoes had cost and was surprised when his dad said:- ''Money and fair words''. What a strange thing to say. Some moments later Boy Zakes heard the transister radio blaring away in the kitchen, it was the Searchers doing 'Sweets for my sweet' but Mum Zakes was doing other eatables namely baking summat. BOy Zakes aske dhis mum what she was baking and was surprised when his mum said:- ''Little pigs should be seen and not heard''. What a strange thing to say. After this latest rebuff Boy Zakes elected to go for a walk around the lower end of his estate, Hackenthorpe. 117 seconds later Boy Zakes was standing on the pathway outside the house and turned to make his way to Carr Forge Road thinking that there was always a carr or two on this road. Prefect, Poplar, Ford Anglia, Zodiac, Triumph, Herald, Austin cambridge, Morris Oxford, Hillman Minx e.t.c but for the life of him he couldn't find a Forge. A pair of minutes later Boy Zakes was walking along Rainbow Way and midway down on the left hand side was a splendiferous garden. This garden was very well looked after and Boy Zakes always looked forward to seeing it especially in spring and summer. Whilst there in Rainbow Way Boy Zakes thought it strange that he had never seen a rainbow on this road (way). A short time later Boy Zakes was ambling along Delves Road with the intention of visiting the village of Hackenthorpe sooner rather than later. A moment or two later it occured to Boy Zakes that he had never seen any elves on (D)elves Road, do they only come out at night time? Alternately Boy Zakes had never seen any persons inquiring or researching deeply or perhaps digging or burrowing profoundly. It was too much for this inimitable 9 year old boy with an illuminating personality. He turned into Church Lane and soon passed the orchard (wait till spring time mate) and the button factory and lamented the fact that he hadn't seen a house of God. Boy Zakes couldn't make up his mind whether he was lucky or unlucky not to have been in the Dyke Vale area today. Shrugging his little shoulders Boy Zakes marched on and a fistful of minutes later was looking admiringly at the shiny bone shakers in Mr Howard's shop window. Dad would have to some serious over time at work if Boy Zakes was to have one of these beauties he mused. Boy Zakes went to look around the nearby derelict house without a roof where it is said a witch had once lived. This was a little spooky for Boy Zakes so he scarpered sharpish. Having gone down the jennel (ginnel) cum lane past the playing fields (nice conker trees) of Rainbow Forge Infants School Boy Zakes crossed the unbusy main road and within minutes was back home and entered the living room. Boy Zakes' parents looked up from the threadbare daffodil red coloured settee and asked him where he had been and were surprised when their son said:- ''I've been to see a man about a dog''. What a strange thing to say.

'KIN 'ELL', PURRIT AAHT! It was Septober during the year of 1966 that the welterweight whippersnapper also known as Zakes was leaning against the paper towel dispenser in the lads latrine. He was casually staring at the ceiling intrigued by a spider wandering aimlessly along from left to right. Zakes was also casting his mind back to a ditty that had been related to him in class by one of the girls three minutes shy of one hour ago. Smiling to himself Zakes was trying to remember the exact wording of the ditty, then to memorise it because he wanted to tell it to his mum when he got home after school. Zakes eventually got it sorted in his head and it went like:- THERE WAS A MAN FROM THE MANOR WHO DID ANYTHING FOR A TANNER HIS LATEST TRICK WAS TO STAND ON HIS P-I-K AND TIGHTEN HIS B-L-S WITH A SPANNER Naughty girl! Zakes lost interest in the spider and reached into the top pocket of his maroon coloured blazer and withdrew a Woodbine flip and enkindled it with a matchstick gained from a matchstick box with a motif of Captain Matthew Webb on it's front side. Drawing busily on his dog end and thinking of better days Zakes suddenly stood to attention with a jolt because Mr Shimwell had appeared out of nowhere and caught Zakes red handed and yellow fingered in the act. Mr Shimwell in a loud voice gave Zakes a serious talking to giving Zakes the shakes. Mr Shimwell went on to tell Zakes that smoking can cause lung cancer, and he would also get smelly breath and the girls wouldn't want to kiss him and that Zakes could also develop a bad cough. Zakes interrupted Mr Shimwell by saying:- IT'S NOT THE COUGH THAT CARRYS YOU OFF IT'S THE COFFIN THEY CARRY YOU OFF IN Sir! With that, Mr Shimwell already frothing at the mouth grabbed Zakes by the collar and dragged him from the shouse, then along the corridor to the office of Mr 'Harry' Lines. Once inside Mr Shimwell explained to 'Harry' what had been appertaining and Mr Lines thanked him and said he would take over then dismissed him from the office. As Zakes was bending over the punishment chair he noticed a twenty pack of Rothmans king sized ciggies on 'Harry's' polished desk. After the sound thrashing of four thwacks Zakes was sent packing. With burning butt Zakes danced down the corridor in direction of the classroom and thought the world was so unfair because Mr Lines and Mr Shimwell both smoked, and who was to punish them?

COMIC CUTS, LONG AND SHORT It was back in Octember 'bout the same time last year when Zakes Jnr. was in the kitchen waitin for his brekkie. T'was half term and Zakes Jnr. had decided to stay at home today because he had a pile of comics he had neglected to read in the last cuppla weeks and these comics were just begging to be perused. Zakes Jnr. had only taken the free balsa wood glider out of one of them, plus the thunderclap thingamabob out of one of the others. The order of the day was to get through the pile of comics that included Hotspur, Hornet, Victor, Valiant, Beezer, Topper, Beano and Dandy and if he had two minutes spare later he's go through his mums pile of Diana, Judy, Boyfriend, Jackie, Girl and Schoolgirls Own. Family Zakes was so poor they had bread but no jam, and numbles but no prime cuts until three days afore yesterday when Dad Zakes had had a touch on the Zetters coupon. Mum and Dad Zakes arrived in the kitchen somewhat tardy by their standards (if they had any). Three minutes later Zakes Jnr. received his order of two slices of marrow marmalade on toast cut triangular just like those middle class types have on the telly. Dad Zakes received his oats for the second time this morning and Mum Zakes cleared up the pots and declared she would be going into town today to get some shopping done. Dad Zakes decided to slip his wife a little something for the second time this morning and pulled out a massive wad of four five pound notes out of his left hand side trouser pocket and gave them to Mum Zakes wishing her happy shopping. Zakes Jnr. went off to deal with the comics, Dad Zakes went off to clean Zakes Jnr.'s muddied up twenty four inch wheel blue and pink pathfinder bike taking with him a large sized tin of elbow grease and Mum Zakes put on her Martha Longhurst coat and left to catch the open backed bus into town. The first port of call for Mum Zakes was to be the Corporation (Council) building on Pond Hill to pay the rent. On arrival at the rent place Mum Zakes gave a deep sigh when she saw the length of the queue outside, it must have been at least fifty seven yards long meaning that the staircase inside would be packed out with people needing to pay their rent all the way up to the third (?) floor. Mum Zakes estimated that she would be there for at least four hours. Mum Zakes eventually paid the rent and finally landed on the street (hill) then she opened and reached into her Botswanan leather handbag and pulled out her portable sundial which indicated that she had only been three hours and fifty seven minutes inside. Her next destination was to be the market near Waingate, she chose to take the advice given to her by her clever youngest son Zakes Jnr. and took the turning into Pond Street then ambled along then crossed the road and mounted the 'secret steps' and came out in Fitzalan Square between the main post office on one side and Wigfalls on t'other side, further following Zakes Jnr. advice she walked along Fitzalan Square then into Jew Lane trotted down the hill and turned left into Commercial street next to the Kings Arms pub with the revolving front door then walked the few yards up the hill turning right into Haymarket and downwards to the market. Almost there she could hear Mr 'Potty' Edwards barking his usual amusing patter to the onlooking shoppers who mainly wore hats or headscarves and some who didn't wear headgear were generally from the blue rinse brigade. 'Potty' Edwards was as usual throwing cups, saucers and plates into the air and catching them before they crashed to the ground. Because he was in a good mood today Mr Edwards decided to throw crockery as well. Minutes later Mum Zakes purchased a set of six florid buttercup blue dinner plates. Next on his list was food and Mum Zakes entered the indoor market that was full of shoppers and those who had nowhere better to go. She bought veg and fruit, broken biscuits especially the ones with the thich orange icing on one side and also the ones with sky blue icing on one side and also pink wafer biscuits and some ni(e)ce bikkies, the last two were without icing on one side and without icing on the other side too! Mum Zakes bought also tongue, boiled ham, roasted beef, corned beef, lamb slices then polony, bologna sausage and finally some baloney. Thinking of her husbands touch on the pools Mum Zakes decided to push the boat out and buy something for the garden. Whilst Mum Zakes was away shopping Zakes Jnr. had finished reading his comics and his dad had coincidentally finished cleaning his lads bike at the same time. Zakes Jnr. chose to go out cycling for the rest of the afternoon peddling around the Vic Hallams of Newstead and the John Hassalls of Weakland Estate then Frecheville and Birley and be back in time for tea. On arrival back home with bike still gleaming and intact Jnr. Zakes went into the kitchen and espied all the goodies Mum Zakes had brought home, he necked a pair of broken biscuits by quickly sticking thme down his gullet as fast as he could then went to put his sparkling cycle to bed in the shed situated in the back garden where his mum was busy with pink rubber washing up gloves planting a duet of Hollin bushes she had gotten from the specialist plant shop just past the pre-nursing collidge on Leopold Street. Zakes Jnr. gave his mum a friendly hello and she responded with a solemn glare and in a violently loud bombastic tone told him she would never listen to him again as regards to short cuts because they always seemed to end in long cuts. Then she noticed the biscuit crumbs around his optimistic mouth. WALLOP......Agh.

ZAKES PAYS HOMAGE It was Thursday the 33rd day in the month of September 1967 and Zakes had become so very aware of the opposite sex partly due to the fact that he had spent many hours flicking through the pages of his eldest brother's Parade magazine collection. Zakes found himself on this fine overcast day strolling along the main corridor at his place of learning Birley Secondary Modern School, 6 paces behind Miss Moore. Zakes casually but eagerly scanned her from waist downwards over a pert rump, down past curvy thighs, and of course those dimply creases behind the knees, down shapely calves onwards to beautifully well turned ankles and back up again. It occurred to zakes that as regards looking at legs the higher you went the nearer the bottom you got. Zakes with heart also throbbing couldn't resist giving a low, deep hardly audible wolf whistle. Miss Moore half turned her long most snoggable neck and gave Zakes what he thought may have been a salacious smile, well she did twitch her lips. Miss Moore continued her journey along the corridor toward the staff room and Zakes chanced another glance at the body of this goddess and when he got to the hem line noticed a flash of torquoise blue and like a fool immediately blurted out CHARLIE'S DEAD! In a split second Miss Moore half twisted and looked down and to her horror realised her underskirt was showing and in panic promptly disappeared into the face saving staff room. Miss Moore was the fourth babe Zakes had fallen in love with in recent times, the others being Lynn Stacey, Sandie Shaw and Maggie Fitzgibbon who played Vivienne Cooper in the Newcomers on the telly. Miss Ellis, the new sports teacheress who had recently come to Birley School from Hinde House School had also just gone into the staff room. Zakes had observed that she had a fine pair of lungs but her legs let her down in a big way. Zakes made the decision to go for a smoke and turned round and headed toward the lads lav. Having fulfilled his craving for the cork tipped Craven 'A' fag, Zakes exited the boys bogs and just caught sight of Sandra Wallis and Lynn Stacey (yes,her again) going into the lasses loo dressed in white blouses and grey pleated skirts and knee high white virgin socks both of them looking as if butter would melt. Zakes shuffled up to the door and stiffened his ears to listen in on their dialogue, and he heard Sandra ask Lynn, ''What do boys talk about?'' Lynn replied ''I suppose the same as us girls'', Sandra then said ''DIRTY SODS!'' Zakes had to chuckle as he slunk away thinking it was only last week that Sandra had given him a guided tour around the corrugated iron garages behind her home on Newstead Drive!......Oh Ah.

THE BEST YEAR EVER! The year of 1954 will always be remembered in the history of the world calender for many reasons especially the following......This was the year when food rationing was finally ended in Britain, Roger Bannister became the first man to run the four minute mile, Lynn Stacey was born, and the world witnessed the last total eclipse of the sun before 2115, sheath dresses were the rage, Doris Day had a hit with 'Secret Love' and Marilyn Monroe the blonde of blondes starred in the film 'There's No Business Like Show Business', and most importantly the stork brought the ennappied Baby Zakes down to the world for the sole purpose of antagonising any school teacher who stood (or sat) in his way. End of lesson......Eh?

DON'T GET YOUR HOW'S YOUR FATHER'S IN A TWIST. During the second week of the 6 weeks school holidays the snow had melted and Kid Zakes was eavesdropping a conversation between his father and Mr Nikkanikka a neighbour from nearby in the local vicinity. Mr Nikkanikka was a traveller in ladies underwear and today was his day off. Kid Zakes had overheard them mention a pub called The Hollin Bush down Intake way. This confused Kid Zakes because he thought he knew all the names of bushes, trees, shrubs, flowers and plants but had never heard of a Hollin. Kid Zakes decided to investigate this pub with a Hollin bush or had he mis-heard them saying Holly Bush? The cool air and the fog were lifting and succumbed to the now warming sun that had overlaid on this summers day in late 1967. Before setting off, Kid Zakes needed a garment to wear with pockets for his monkeys and parrots (odds and ends) and the 4 Senior Service fags he'd taken out of his mother's cig box. Kid Zakes was undecided whether to wear his smoking jacket or his blazer. It took him 1 minute 57 seconds of serious thought before opting for his reefer and off he went in search of the Hollin Bush. Kid Zakes arrived at the pub and looked for the elusive Hollin, after 57 painstaking minutes frustrated Kid Zakes chose to ask the 7 flea bitten old men sat outside who were clearly from the flat cap brigade. They gave Kid Zakes short shrift and sent him on his way with a flea in his ear. Some minutes later Kid Zakes turned in to Stanthorpe Rooad in the hope of some of his beloved scraps but the chippie was unopened, drat. On reaching Mansfield Rooad Kid Zakes turned right with the intention to go home. Kid Zakes glanced over the rooad toward the Rex picturedrome and recognised 2 girls from his class at Birley School sat on the cold steps outside risking haemorrhoids. Kid Zakes crossed the rooad almost getting knocked over by a Sunbeam Rapier. On reaching the girls Kid Zakes noted they were very distraught and were sobbing their little hearts out. These cute maidens were inconsolable and Kid Zakes was also welling up inside but checked himself remembering that big boys don't cry. He asked them as to why they had sadness in their hearts. Eventually, Kid Zakes appeased them enough for them to explain what the problem was. They had used up their spending (pocket) money buying popcorn and poppets, paid entry to the circle and settled down to watch the imminent sex film. They were bitterly disappointed that the film was all about racing cars and had later realised they had mis-read the title high upon the hoardings outside. Kid Zakes glanced up, then back at the girls, shook his head in disbelief. It was obvious that the film would be about racing cars when the betitlement was GRAND PRIX. These lasses have minds like sewers (drains not haberdasherists)! Kid Zakes spun on his heel and marched off in the direction of the C.B.C bowling alley on the hill toward Frecheville that had been there since it opened in September 1963. On entering Kid Zakes was greeted by the jukebox blaring out 'This is my song' sung by Petula Clark (also in the charts was Harry Secombe with the same song). Kid Zakes moved closer to the bowlers and wetched them do that strange back leg hanging in the air thing after releasing the ball (bowl). Some forgot to let go of the ball and ended up careering into the skittles head first and scoring a clean strike! This together with those weird looking coloured stripey shoes gave Kid Zakes a 4 minute laffing fit. Then he was duly bowled out of the door. Approaching home in the darkness Kid Zakes aglimpsed Mr Nikkanikka who had just climbed over a garden fence that wasn't his. He was dressed fully in black with pockets bulging. He was also sporting a black balaclava that Kid Zakes found strange because it was a warm summers evening. Surely Mr Nikkanikka was too old to be scrumping, and what was he scrumping?......Oooh dear.

SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF A BARREL. Some more in(s)ane sing-a-longs from early to mid 60s. Your tune, your tempo, your volume. You can also hum = sing with closed lips. 1. Build a bonfire, build a bonfire Put the teachers on the top Put the prefects in the middle And burn the ruddy lot. 2. Half a pound of Mandy Rice Half a pound of Keeler One and six to look at her Three bob to feel her. 3. I'm Popeye the sailor man I live in a spinach can There's a hole in the middle Where i can tiddle I'm Popeye the sailor man PEEP PEEP! 4. I'm Popeye the sailor man I live in a spinach can I love to go swimmin' With plenty of bare women I'm popeye the sailor man PEEP PEEP!! Must do better!!! Ugh.

I ALWAYS FORGET THAT I HAVE A GOOD MEMORY The sun had gone to bed and the moon took over the late shift. Life was good to Zakes, no thick ear for a week. The agreeable weather in Fruehling 1965 had drawn Zakes and his mates out of their pigeon huts on Newstead Rise to play a game or two of Commandos which is a version of Hide and Seek. The hiders had to return to homebase before being spotted and having his or her named called by the seeker(it). Commandos was slightly different in that on returning to home base the hiders were not allowed to run, walk or jump, but to crawl only. When the game started Zakes soon found himself inside a clump of Cleome plants and surrounded by 4 Redwood trees. From his position Zakes could clearly see the home base of the day which was a 57 feet high telegraph pole. This tall home base was chosen at random, it could have easily been a street light, a grate, a van with or without a long wheel base, a steamroller, a black car or a red white or blue one, a hearse, a landau, a shooting brake with 2 orange coloured coulters or just maybe a garridge door. As time marched slowly by Zakes was the only hider left as the others hadn't been cautious and had been spotted and their names were called out by the seeker. Surely but slowly, Zakes unclumsily crawled forward fitting in with the flora and the plant life. The barbed wire laden fencing protecting the garden of Mr Applepolisher gave Zakes a momentary problem until he withdrew wire cutters made in Sheffield by Mylesal & Co. from his right hand side pocket and snipped through the made in Tinsley barbed wire. Mr Applepolisher grew many citrus plants and trees in his garden, lemons, limes, grapefruit, calamondin and oranges. Mr Applepolisher had recently migrated to Sheffield from Western Israel, from the city of Jaffa. Zakes decided to use the adjoining garden to continue his way back to home base. This next botanical patch belonged to Miss Auk who had also come to Newstead Rise from a far away land. The ever horn rimmed bespectacled Miss Auk grew some vegetables and fruit. Zakes soon traversed this garden to the far corner and paused for a moment by the Kiwi fruit bushes. Undetected by the seeker Zakes gained access on to a gravel path and crawling ever closer toward the telegraph pole home base. Slithering along with chin almost on the ground Zakes arrived at the kerbside of the road where he lived, then adroitly rolled underneath a non moving removals lorry that was parked there for the night. Zakes reached home base shortly aftrwards, winning the game as usual. Arriving home at 20:57 Zakes' mum was pleasantly surprised to see her son home early for a change. She asked in a mild tempered way if he had been behaving himself whilst out playing. He replied in the affirmative. Unfortunately, she became aware of an unpleasant smell and observed Zakes' brand new russet coloured pullover had some new colour added to it and asked him if he had seen any dogs that evening? WALLOP!! Ugh......

LOVE YOU MOTHER? Zakes doesn't seem to remember receiving very many cuddles from his mother during his childhood. Perhaps she had difficulty showing feelings of tenderness. She must of had her moments though, because she managed to have a quartet of children, 3 boys and a girl, and Zakes was the most handsome of the lot it is believed. Zakes' mother was one of those 'swift to chide, slow to bless' types which meant she and Zakes were destined to have one or two (thousand) disagreements during his young years. Zakes' mother was somewhat astringent, sometimes austere other times stern and in a quiet moment slightly harsh. If Zakes would have been ran over by a van, car, bus, milkfloat, charabanc or possibly a landrover she would have given him a 15 minute tongue lashing before summoning an ambulance. Zakes vividly recalls a happening in winter 1962 when he was ready to leave for school at Birley Spa and his mother noticed his shoes were muddied. She told him to polish them and not to forget the soles. He duly obliged and bade farewell and moved to make his egression leaving black polish foot steps on the new beige coloured carpet that was fitted four days earlier. She screamed at Zakes and to his perplexity gave him a thick ear. After all she did say not to forget the soles. Then on another occasion Zakes had heard one of the boys at school use a term he had not heard before and didn't understand. When Zakes got home after school and eager to watch Ten Town on the telly he first asked his mother what jam rag meant? That earned Zakes a very heavy handed thick ear. During this period Zakes had noticed the thick ears were coming thick and fast and if it continued he would end up having collyflour ears and would qualify to play rugby at flyhalf for the Hackenthorpe Scrummers! Zakes admits that if he was to be punished he would prefer it to be instant and not have to hear 'wait till your father gets home'. Zakes also admits that there was good times too and counted himself very fortunate. In the mornings his mother would make his Society of Friends oats for free, the laundering was for free, free also the ironing and the bed making plus clothing and Zakes also got 2 Bob spending money to lash out on spice when the mobile shop arrived on Fridays. Fridays were also very good because it meant a fry up for tea, and the Aussie Childrens Adventure programmes followed by Crackerjack on telly and tomorrow being Saturday meant Rex matinee day with a ha'penny worth of scraps from the chippy on Stanhope Road or the one on Birley Moor road on the way home......Ah.

NOT QUITE SALAD DAYS Some of Zakes' friends from Birley School treated their homes like hotels. These lads (and some lasses) would return home from swimming, football, the pictures, ten pin bowling, scrumping, bike riding, conkering, bird nesting, kite fling, bulrushing (good for dusting ceiling lampshades), manking, or straight from school. Instead of eating the wholesome meal provided by mums that could quite possible be roast pork with trimmings, or maybe roast beef with trimmings or it could well be something delicious like roast lamb with trimmings too. They would demand alphabet spaghetti, beans on toast or something like egg, bacon, sausage, mushrooms with tomatoes and fried bread smothered under a massive splodge of brown sauce. Of course their obsequious mothers would grant their wishes, and by doing so it would encourage these spoilt brats to continue acting like......well yeah......spoilt brats! If Zakes would have wanted that type of life he would of had to trade in his mother for another one because she certainly didn't put up with these sort of demands, and if Zakes would have tried he'd have caught a 'fourpenny one' for sure! In Zakes' household it was a case of tea on the table at 5 o'clock, who's there gets and and who's late or not there will receive nowt (not even warmed up later)! However Zakes' mother did make exotic meals like turnip, spuds and carrots mashed up together with a morsel of fatty tripe or cow heel on the side without splodge! Now and again Zakes would pal up with one of the lads in class and play subbuteo, tiddlywinks, dibs and such like games at the lads house until it was tea time, then Zakes would be invited by a kind well turned ankled mother to tuck into a plate of beans on toast, with a massive splodge too!......Yum.

OCTOPUS JUICE The day had started well for Zakes. He had leapt out of bed with a smile having thought of his fave girl in class at Birley School. Zakes oppened his curtains with a design of the Bash Street Kids on them and peered out the window to be greeted by a sunny day in April 1967. Zakes was good mooded all day but that was to change. At 13:57 during a fierce but friendly ink fight in class Mr Fidler (vaunting type, played footy for Macclesfield) had been hit by one of Zakes' overladen ink pellets and within seconds the ink was running down his face like blue tears. Mr Fidler was well and truly quinked. The upshot of this was that Zakes was to go to the headmaster and explain to him what he had done. That instantly wiped the smile from Zakes' face and put him in an immediate state of petrification. Zakes with innards churning called in at the boys bogs, after weshing his hands Zakes being a forward thinker plugged the plug in the plughole (where else?) of the third weshbasin from the left and proceeded to fill the ceramic receptacle with cold water. Zakes marched at a snail's pace along the corridor toward the last room on the left. Zakes thumped twice upon the door of the lion's den and the response was a roared demand to enter. As usual Mr 'Harry' Lines was sat with his back to the window which created an intimidating silhouette and with the sun rays pouring through the window from without Zakes was blinded by the light making it impossible to see the face of his arch enemy. After the shouted remonstration had abated 'Harry' arose from his throne and reached to the cupboard where his canes of different lengths and widths were stored. Having chosen the second cane from the right 'Harry' ordered Zakes to bend over the other chair in the room. Six swishes and six ouches later Zakes left the lions den and brushed past the blushing school secretary who had been listening at the door. Zakes sprinted down the corridor also doing a hop, skip and a jump, his poor rear end felt like it was afire! On reaching the Carzey Zakes released his snake belt, unbuttoned and lowered his Marks & Sparks grey coloured trousers then climbed up backwards finally lowering his burning backside into the welcoming cold water in the wesh basin......AAAAAH.

TREAD ON A LINE YOU MARRY A SWINE The darkness was looming so we decided to get weaving. We were softly threading a zig zag path toward a certain garden in the Cotleigh sector of Hackenthorpe. This botanic paradise had come to the attention of Zakes during a previous daring adventure in the area some 57 moons ago. The warm weather had arrived and with it the scrumping season had also come upon us. It was June in the year of 1964 that Zakes and his two pals (Brave pal and Yitten pal) agreed to completely denudate the garden of it's strawberry crop. The Yitten pal was to play the part of sentinel and to give us a quick but audible pssst pssst if any whistle blower should appear on the scene. Zakes and Brave pal dressed in dark garb had begun to crawl through the thick thorny hawthorn hedge and within 57 seconds found themselves inside the garden. They continued to crawl sidewinder style through the marrow be, then left of the cucumber patch, past the pumpkins on the right of the goose gog bushes that were 2 ells in front of the strawberries situated by the coconut trees west of the cactusses! Zakes and Brave pal rested for a moment or two, heard no warning from Yitten pal so continued to forge ahead finally reaching their target. They both became aware of a fluttering sound in the strawberry patch and realised a bird was caught up in the net protecting the said fruit. Closer inspection revealed the bird to be a shytehawk. Zakes quickly reached into his trouser pocket on the right and withdrew a Swiss army knife that was made by Almsley & Co. of Sheffield and promptly began to cut the netting to free the freetened bird. Three seconds short of a minute later the bird was freed and it scampered away without a word of thanks (why do i bother?). Zakes and Brave pal were much angered by the house (garden) holder who had put the netting there because the bird must have struggled for some hours because it was already dark and it is a well known fact that shytehawks return to their nests long before the close of the day. Zakes and Brave pal held a short whispered confab and it was decided that there was not going to be strawberry shortcake for tea tomorrow because the strawbs were to be used for another purpose. They intently picked two generous handfuls each then swiftly approached the living room window of the house with the light on and from a distance of nine feet or it might have been three yards proceeded to bombard the pane with juicy strawberries which offered a perfect colour match with the red velvet curtains hanging within! In retreat the red handed two made sure to wreak as much as havoc as possible, so the egg plants were trampled along with the aubergines. Arriving on the safe side of the hawthorn hedge Zakes and Brave pal discovered that Yitten pal had already skedaddled!...Ugh.

TREAD IN A SQUARE YOU MARRY A BEAR. Their lips met in a wild passionate kiss, then she crossed her legs and nearly snapped his neck!! Aware Zakes had become aware of those girls who made of sugar and spice and all things nice, and that butter melted in their mouths, but most of these girls were like Aware Zake's football team, in that they promised a lot but delivered nothing!! Aware Zakes remembers when he and two other lads from his class at Birley school were invited impromptu by a girl and two other lasses from the same class to one of them there Hassall Houses on the Weakland Estate that had just been newly built. Aware Zakes and the other lads from class punctually arrived on time rubbing their hands in delight or maybe to warm them up for what was hopefully to come. We were allowed admittance, the lights were then turned low, we paired off and some serious french kissing and some very serious canoodling ensued. Due to reasons of censorship it would be best to curtail this memory right NOW!!... Ugh... P.S To avoid embarrassment and the divorce courts your secret is safe with me. So just relax Lynn, Lesley and Julie.

THE SECRET OF THE FUTURE'S NEVER TOLD. Mum Zakes and Junior Zakes left their home on Carter Lodge Drive on a very foggy weekday morning in the year 1962. Junior Zakes aged 8, was in unhealth again, this time his problems were threefold, apraxia, aural haematoma and swollen aglets. They were off to see Dr. Pagdin at his surgery on Beighton Rooad but first had to do a detour to Church Lane to see if Mum Zakes could find some buttons on the pavement outside Singleton's factory. She successfully found 57 multi coloured buttons of various sizes and pocketed them pretty sharpish. Mum and Junior Zakes arrived at Dr. Pagdin's place of work, pushed open the squeaking gate, walked along the garden path (Junior Zakes took note of the fruit trees for future reference) then they slipped into the house. The hallway smelt nicely of fresh floor and wood polish. Mum Zakes turned the brass door knob to gain entry to the waiting room dragging Junior Zakes with her. They both were met with a thicker fog than the one outside, everyone in the packed out room were smoking. Junior Zakes saw a classmate in the second row greedily puffing on a pipe made from an acorn shell and reeded grass and he had a packet of St. Bruno peering out of the top pocket of his school blazer. 17 men were smoking cigars or plain fags like Capstan, Parkies and Woodies, and 9 women were avidly drawing on tipped (filter) ciggies. Even the receptionist had a Cuban (cigar, not Fidel) in her generous mouth. Mum Zakes also joined in by lighting up a senior service flip. 57 choking minutes later Junior Zakes was called in to see the doctor and was asked to take off his new grey duffle coyt and his shirt but was allowed to keep on his brand new second hand string vest. Standing there in his string vest Junior Zakes looked like an asparagas tarzan, his muscles were like knots on cotton. The cold stethoscope wasn't warm by any means but Junior Zakes obeyed the in out, in out instructions and answered in the negative to the how many do you smoke a day enquiry. Three minutes shy of one hour later Mum Zakes along with Junior Zakes were ambling through Main Street. They passed the Blue Bell Battle Cruiser, then level with the Sportsman passed pleasantries with the Watson's who ran that pub, they had been feeding the gaggle of geese who were housed behind the building. Mum and Junior Zakes gave a brief salute to Mr. Howard who was busy outside his cycle shop repairing a puncture on village bobby Disney's bike (he didn't receive acknowledgement). Finally Mum and Junior Zakes arrived at the apothecary. Dr. Pagdin had given Junior Zakes good news regarding his three illnesses, but had given him a prescription because whilst at the surgery Junior Zakes had developed a chronic smokers cough!! Ugh...

ATHENIAN GIRL, TROJAN BOY. It befell on a warm summers day in late december 1967 several months before Unhappy Zakes left Birley school to serve his last year and a quarter of education at Hurlfield Boys (what no birds?) school (front two gates Sheff 2, back gates Sheff 12). Mr. Knox and Mr. Phipps had had painful experiences and for this Unhappy Zakes had received a punishment of 100 lines (what no whack?). Now, Unhappy Zakes had always preferred the whack because it was over and done with right away as opposed to lines or detention which robbed Unhappy Zakes of his time and freedom to cause mischief for others. Unhappy Zakes had arranged to meet a girl from his class behind the gym in 25 minutes but the punishment of 100 lines would take an hour. As it happened Unhappy Zakes had in his satchel 3 parker pens that his mother had acquired thanx to 57000 green shield stamps she had saved up. Unhappy Zakes also had a roll of sellotape with him that he had saved for a rainy day. Unhappy Zakes then proceeded to lay his 3 parker pens side by side and tip to tip upon the desk then adroitly taped them together (please DO try this at home). When Unhappy Zakes wrote 1 line he actually wrote 3 lines at the same time ( I MUST NOT PUT DRAWING PINS ON TEACHERS CHAIRS WITH THE POINT FACING UPWARDS). 20 minutes later, Unhappy Zakes unsellotaped the 3 green shield parker pens then wrote the final line with one of them to complete the 100, then handed them in to the lines duty teacher of the week and left the classroom, shot down the corridor in world record time, out of the school building, zipped down the path leading to the back of the gym and there she was, Athena waiting with cherry red lips for Unhappy Zakes. Within seconds Happy Zakes was holding her breath, and she was holding his!! Um......

DECREASING TIMES. Brat Zakes didn't go to church on Sundays in 1967, instead he called at the homes of school mates. This he did every seventh day as redler as clockwork. Brat Zakes specially called on those he knew wouldn't come out to play because if they did, it would spoil brat Zake's norty plan. The idea was to call at homes where the best looking mothers and big sisters lived in the hope one of them could answer the knock. When mums or big sis opened the door and heard brat Zake's request they would turn to call the schoolmate and brat Zakes would get a perfect view of a well turned ankle or two and one of those delightful creases (lines) only to be found behind female knees. These creases are as unique as finger prints, and of stripes upon a tiger's body, no two sets are alike. Brat Zakes was devastated when women did the man thing and started to wear trousers, but that had it's compensations. So ladies, watch out when you are reaching to the low shelves in the shop or when crouching down to check your tea towels in the BOTTOM drawer!......Um.

CARTER LODGE SCHOOL &LEISURE TIME Below is a list of some people who were fortunate to have had dealings with my good self during my Hackenthorpe da(ze)ys 1959 - 1965. (Birley Spa Junior School uncluded). First the bullies: Mr Croft, Mr Ro(d)gers, Mr (Noddy) Fretwell, Mr Curzon, Mr Morgan (plays the organ, and he plays it rather crammy, and his sister's got a pimple in the middle of her......), Mr Kirk (trunt), Mr Feinburg, (and his missus), Miss Gaunt (looked it too), can't recall others. I was in Pegasus House. Now for the better persons = Gary Fordham, Georgina George, Richard Harrison, John Fairey, Steve Ludlam, Gus Wilson, Kenny Glossop, Peter Gle(a)dhill, Stuart Sunderland, Geoff Gudgeon, Ken Gudgeon, Lorna Bagley, Gus Clifford, June Clifford, Steve Pollard, Chris Dalton, Julie Guy, Paul Muscroft, Linda Guy, David Hodgson, Daryl Stocks, Ken Sayles, Stuart White, Tony Lock, Ian Scandrett, Trevor West, Peggy Billard, Jean Cotton (lovely), Hatch brothers, Graham Wareham, Smee Brothers, June Tween, Susan Burgin (fancied that one), Terry Cosgrove, Mrs Varty, Dr Pagdin (sorted out my whooping cough, mumps, german measles, rickets, diphtheria, cholera, malaria, canker, shingles, elephantiasis, gout, leprosy, syphillis, VD, and blob ont kn_b), cheers Doc. Sorry, the ones i forgotted (people not illnesses), it's been 45 years at least. Ugh......

PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH PERSONAL DETAILS LUVVY. During school holidays 1966 a different mate of the day (sacked the other mate because he fancied my fave girl at school L.S.) and me were playing togger (footy) kicking a plastic world cup willy football against garage doors as hard as possible for sound effect to rankle the neighbours. We had been at it for three hours or so and were getting a feeling of tedium, but that changed with the arrival of Fletchers bread delivery van. The driver tooted the horn and within three minutes fifty seven women came from all directions to the van to buy his wares and no doubt to give him the once (or twice) over too. These women were of different shapes and sizes, some fat some thin, some tall some small, some smart, some not so smart some in cardigans (with elbows worn out) and some in crisp white blouses with daintily pleated grey mini skirts (Oh! Yeah!!), even some with curlers in their hair. Strange thing was, they all were beslippered some with them horrid looking bobbles over the toe part! After the stampede was over the delivery man stepped from his vehicle and suggested having a kick-a-bout with us. We played one touch passing much enjoyed by us three, but it all eventually came to an end. This nice Fletchers Mester then offered us some buns, we got a vanilla slice each and a pair of eccles cakes. I didnt like eccles cakes because inside looked like two thousand dead flies squeshed together. All day after that we tried to get more freebies from other people selling their goodies, we badgered......Gillots bread man, Rington's tea man, Davenport drinks home deliveries man, the Avons Calling lady, ice cream dealers Manfredi, Mr. Softie, Mr. Whippy, Walls, Cuneos, Ronskley's, Taggy's, Granelli, Sanella, Joes, we even tried a door to door salesman and the Prudential bloke all to no avail. Bonus was......No thick ear that day...... YEAH!!...

6,......6 pussycats went to the station. YOU-ARE-NOT-IT!!...My two mates of the term and me thought it a groovy idea to spit and polish our shoes to the extent that they would shine like the brightest mirrors ever seen. As 13 year old boys quickly pumping our way into our caps in the year 1967 we had started to look at girls in the same way adult boys and girls glimpsed each other. The next day in class we tried out our mirrored shoes theory whilst standing close to the enemy (girls) and surreptitiously glancing at our toe caps whilst conversing with them. We were caught out hands down and decided to revert to plan B. This second plan was gonna cost money but was sure to succeed. We three clubbed together and bought 1x 4oz bag of aniseed balls, 1x 4oz bag of pineapple chunks, 1x 4oz bag of jap desserts and 1x 4oz bag of kop kops then wafted them under the noses of our female classmates. It turned out to be a fab idea because in a flash our sallow (some spotty) faced girl class people were gleefully performing a series of hand stands, cartwheels and the crab for us!...Miss Caine the school sec. would have wanted a box of chocolates to do that. Alas, we didnt have the money for the honey!!......Ugh.

HEAVEN ON EARTH. Just thirteen years old in the year 1967, young Zakes had recently become a teenager and he was in love for the very first time. The apple of his eye was a girl in his class at Birley school. This young lady had a personality and character that was so heart warming, the way she giggled touched the heart of teenager Zakes, her movement was poetry in motion and her aura was awe inspiring. It was the thought of her that made teenager Zakes jump out of bed every morning knowing he would be seeing her within the hour. Teenager Zakes would have done her homework for her, carried her satchel, played a tune on his comb with tracing paper, in emergency he could have borrowed a kazoo from his teenager mate of the week. Teenager Zakes would have made a necklace or bracelet from daisies or buttercups for her, anything to please this lovely young vibrant lady. More than anything, teenager Zakes wanted to go hand in hand with her to the nearby CBC bowling alley or maybe the Rex picture house to see South Pacific or maybe The Sound of Music. Thank you so very much Lynn Stacey for allowing a besotted teenager Zakes to be in your presence for those few short years. xx.

When young Zakes was young he ate as much spice as he could get his hands on. Everything tasted so good, he hadn't any particular favorite, he loved 'em all. Pear drops, bazooka bubble gum (wrapped in a cartoon), chocolate cigarettes (with edible paper), everlasting strip, traffic light lollies, apple tarts, apple jacks, sour apples, satin cushions, liquorice sticks, spangles, treets, poppets, opal fruits, spanish gold, tiffin bar, toffo, mint toffo, beechnut, fruit salad, mint imperials and gobstoppers.......and that was just for breakfast!!! Young Zakes loved lovely jubbly made by tip top (?). This orange ice was inside a strange tri-triangular shaped carton. It could take a full afternoons sucking to finish a lovely jubbly off. Young Zakes used to crash his lovely jubbly against a wall several times then proceed to suck out the delightful orange mush from within. Young Zakes observed that most lovely jubbly suckers seemed to be girls, and thought it would hold them in good stead for later in life......um.

Zakes and Snakes. We bought our banana chews and candy cigarettes (with red tips) from Elams shop on birley spa lane, we had been served by the ever sullen looking Mr Cooper. My sidekick of that day and me were on our way to search out grass snakes. Today was Saturday during the year 1964. Us two walked past the nagging Mrs Watsons house, down the steps onto Carter Lodge Avenue, then Carter Lodge Rise, down past the houses of St(ua)ewert Sunderland (auntie Mavis, can i have a mivvi?), Ken and Geoff Gudgeon and Gary Fordham (Stradbroke Arrows), we crossed Carr Forge road went down the jennel (ginnel), and down the path through the cornfields to the river. Snagged in the sedge at the rivers edge were used tissues, wrappers from Milky bar, Bazooka gum, Swizzles, Love Hearts, Parma Violets and other spice, plus three second-hand johnnies (two were of medium size). The search for the natrix natrix (grass snakes) lasted two hours and sixty seven minutes and was fruitless, it had been a complete waste of time. Apart from the sedge litter we had only seen 4 impalas, 3 crocodiles, 2 yecats, 7 giraffes, 3 french hens and a partridge in a willow tree......Ugh!

Welcome newcomer, 2 things from yore post tell me yoo know my name, please keep it under your hat. I know you from 2 things in your post. 1x vague & 1x very clever. Well done. You once said to me in 66-67 that the healthiest thing was to have a ice cold shower 1st thing in the morning and that you preferred rugby to footy.

During school holidays 1966 a different mate of the day (sacked the other mate because he fancied my fave girl at school L.S.) and me were playing togger (footy) kicking a plastic football against garage doors as hard as possible for sound effect to rankle the neighbours. We had been at it for three hours or so and were getting a feeling of tedium but that changed with the arrival of Fletchers bread delivery van. The driver tooted the horn and within three minutes fifty seven women came from all directions to the van to buy his wares and no doubt to give him the once over too! These women were of different shapes and sizes, some fat some thin, some tall some small, some smart, some not so smart some in cardigans (with elbows worn out) and some in crisp white blouses with grey pleated skirts, even some with curlers in their hair. Strange thing was, they all were beslippered some with them hor??????

Hear are some cheap tack poetic ditties from my days in Hackenthorpe and Birley in the early sixties. Please feel free to put your own tunes to them. 1. POLLY IS A SWEET LITTLE BIRD, SHE SWINGS FROM BOUGH TO BOUGH, SHE MAKES HER NEST IN A RHUBARB TREE, AND WHISTLES LIKE A COW. 2. THERE WAS A BIRDIE IN THE SKY, IT DID SOME DOO DAH IN MY EYE, I DID NOT LAUGH, I DID NOT CRY, I JUST THANKED GOD, THAT COWS CAN'Y FLY. 3. WE'RE OFF, WE'RE OFF, WE'RE IN A MOTORCAR, THE COPPERS ARE CHASING US, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE, THERE'S A COPPER AROUND THE CORNER EATING APPLE PIE, I ASKED HIM FOR A SKINNY BIT AND HE HIT ME IN THE EYE, I WENT TO FETCH ME MOTHER, ME MOTHER WOULDN'T COME, SO I GOT A RED HOT POKER AND STUCK IT UP HIS BUM. 4. IN DAYS OF OLDE WHEN KNIGHTS WERE BOLD, AND TOILETS WEREN'T INVENTED, THEY MADE A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, AND SAT THERE QUITE CONTENTED. UGH.