Poem. The Composer

[Ron Blanco 10]

The Composer

 

He enters stage left, striding tall

Stops centre stage, back to us all

Signals 'relax', the orchestra

Sit, compose themselves and prepare

 

As he lifts his arms to heaven

The silence slowly breaks, quiet

Still quiet but slowly building

The crescendo taking over

 

The cello tugs memory strings

The pictures are vague, but feelings

Are there, feelings not felt before

The tears leak out and trickle down

 

Two minutes silence to respect

The brave, the young and the proud men

Two minutes music, feel the pain

And resolve not ever again

 

 

This was an exercise I did tonight at my writing evening class. 10 minutes to write a poem of 4 stanzas each of 4 lines with 8 syllables per line. The problem is I got absolutely no feedback, just "Thanks Ron, ok that's the end of the class, see you all next week." Maybe someone here can give me some feedback. I think my poem is great - but what do you think?

Edited November 12, 2009 by Ron Blanco
I got the title wrong

[Ron Blanco 10]

Having slept on it, I don't think the poem is great. Some might even argue that it's rubbish. But I like the underlying idea that prompted it.

 

There was some music played on classic fm yesterday - Benedictus by Karl Jenkins - which I found very moving. Then I looked it up on Youtube and found several versions, one being an orchestral performance interspersed with war images. The music seemed to stir something. It resonated with something deep inside. I concluded that whilst two minutes silence was very respectful, two minutes music had the ability to evoke even stronger feelings.

 

So that led to my idea, and rumour has it that poetry, like all art, is simply the representation of an idea. Maybe you poets out there could help me to turn it into a decent poem.

 

I'm not really sure what the benefit was of constraining it to 8 syllables per line. Is there a name for that? Is there a reason for it? What does iambic mean? How can I create a sense of anticipation? How can I improve the rhythm? How can I give it more impact? Basically, how can I represent my idea better as a poem?

[Sir_Nigel 10]

A heartfelt and moving piece of work. It could perhaps do with a little pruning. I would forget about any restrictive demands of format and the number of syllables. It’s more important that it ‘feels’ right. Areas for improvement? - ‘back to us all’ sounds a little clumsy – you don’t even need a rhyme there, none of other verses do. You could lose the ‘quiet, still quiet’ which is a little unnecessary. You could try: ‘the crescendo is slowly building. Take a look at the capitalisation too – it doesn’t always need to be at the beginning of each line.

 

Also, would it be more accurate to call it The Conductor rather than Composer?

 

Apart from that, good work.

[Ron Blanco 10]

Hi Sir Nigel,

 

Thanks for your encouraging words and tips.

 

Yes, it was called The Conductor, but I accidentally called the thread title The Composer, so I changed the poem to fit. In this case the composer was also the conductor, but you are quite right, so I will change the title back.

 

I think I probably will have another go, make a few changes as you suggest, and add/remove a few syllables as necessary now that I am freed from the 8-syllable straightjacket.

 

Cheers

[coyleys 10]

Well! you made a nice job of that Ron.

I think poetry is for the writer and not the reader that is why one never gets much response in any group. I have said before; we should all read the rules, digest them and then tear them up.

Poetry is a big help to any amateur writer, it helps you express yourself (so what went wrong with Coyley?) Ha, there’s a question, remember I was dragged up on the Wybourn, and so I learned to express myself with my fists.

Keep at it Ron, you’re doing a grand job.

[Ron Blanco 10]

Much obliged Coyleys. I will keep at it. Incidentally how's that mammoth group poem looking these days?

[coyleys 10]

Incidentally how's that mammoth group poem looking these days?

 

You’ve done it again Ron, you know how easy it is to confuse Coyley these days.

---------------

I have just twigged on, are you referring to “The Window of Life”?

If so, I have held the reins on that one for too long, and feel it’s time for someone else to take over, after all it belongs to the group and not me. Maybe Mantas can suggest a suitable caretaker; after all we have a long way to go to beat S T Coleridge.

Edited November 23, 2009 by coyleys
Got confused again.

[pattricia 580]

Excellent poem.

[Ron Blanco 10]

Thanks Patricia, it's great to get some encouragement.

Edited November 23, 2009 by Ron Blanco
I was clarifying that I meant window of life, but Coyleys has already twigged.

[HughW 10]

that mammoth group poem

 

I was trying to decide if this was...

a poem by a group of mammoths

a gigantic poem by a group

a poem about a mammoth group (possibly winners of X factor, 20,000BC)

 

Hugh

I'll get my (shaggy ice age) coat

[Ron Blanco 10]

You're quite right to point that out Hugh, my question was a bit woolly.