War of the Worlds - set in Sheffield!

[Tallyman]

Rich

 

Firstly, thanks for posting your story in the forum. It's never easy to 'let go' of a story and put it out there for review, and anyone that does so deserves a round of applause and some encouragement.

 

Secondly, I thought it was a good tale; it fitted the bill and did exactly what it said on the tin. I liked your paying homage to both Wells' original and Jeff Wayne's excellent version.

 

So I hope that you take what comments I make next as constructive, positive criticism:

 

I hope you might agree with me that, while your story is complete in its own right, you could also treat it as a work in progress, an excellent base for launching in a whole range of different directions.

 

For instance, the writing style is mostly curt - informative, descriptive to a point, but not overly flowery or full of diversions. It strikes me as being on the way to a journalistic style, but not quite there yet. One way of developing this tale would be to go the whole hog and treat it as a series of news articles - local or national press - perhaps with each 'chapter' dated to show progression of the story and give it some timescale. It would allow you to quote the vicar in interview, for instance, and talk about his wife and her 'tragic death' in typical tabloid terms.

 

Another development would be to treat the story as an historical one - set in Sheffield, but in the past. This would avoid any scientific anomalies, and let you bring some of Sheffield's history into the tale - perhaps the Peace Gardens would have been named following a much older victory, one over an alien race...

 

In any case, many thanks for posting your story - I'm with Ron Blanco: it was a good read!

[sauerkraut]

I don't really feel qualified to comment on the story as "sci-fi" is not my genre at all. I confess I hardly even know the original story . But I did want to add my congrats for being the first to tackle the theme. It's a harder challenge than it looks that you've set us for this month, Rich!

[MTheo]

You've had more positives than negatives rich, so try to accept any critisicm and take it on the chin...if you submit a story or poem or anything into a public forum then it is open for debate and is bound to receive good and bad comments.

 

Re-read any constructive critisicm and it may help you improve and get better...the best way to learn is to put something out there for people to judge (which you have done)...so learn from it and see if you can win over the posters who didn't like it as much as others with another story where you have taken on board the advice on this thread.

 

Well done on your effort

[macmellus]

i'm just relieved it 's only a story! everyone in our house took it to be a news bulletin at first and it started quite a panic, i can tell you! we're a bit slow.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Rich,

 

I think that the main appeal of the original novel is that even though it has a grand sounding title "The War of the Worlds" it is very much told from the perspective of just one man who is running around trying desperately to survive.

 

The Hollywood filmmakers stuck to this basic premise despite updating the story into the 'present' - both the the 1953 version & the 2005 version follow the war from the perspective of one man trying to avoid the slaughter, this works despite the action being transferred from Leatherhead to America.

 

Your story would have benefited from having more of this (emotional) first person perspective, the clipped, journalistic style may have worked better if the story was told retrospectively but that would have taken away some of the urgency of the writing.

 

I'm in agreement with Hopman regarding the science behind it all, there is a clear anomaly with the large crater on Penistone Road and the Martian cylinder that lands on Fargate (whilst leaving the shops undamaged) - it may have been better to have the cylinders come down on the edge of the city, perhaps the hero could have drove out of town to look at the crater just as the tripods emerge and he is then chased back to Sheffield.

 

Good to see that you touched on the Vicar's mental deterioration as per the original novel, I think the essence of the original story is chiefly about the psychological effect of the invasion on the vicar, the artillery-man and the narrator.

 

I liked the humorous touches too about the Gouranga monks, shame you couldn't have squeezed a few clipboard wielding market researchers into the death-ray. As I was reading the story I thought it would have ended in a more comical way, imagine Morgan Freeman solemnly intoning the final speech thus:

 

Suddenly, the Martian tripods began falling all over the city, again and again, damaging themselves irreparably, mankind was saved by the something invisible to the Martians as they studied us through their powerful telescopes - tiny, but so numerous they were everywhere, the tripods were brought down by a weapon devised and developed by the long dead generations of former town planners…the potholes in the road.