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Old jokes are the best!!

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What about the world's unluckiest man.He got shipwrecked and was picked up by the titanic!!

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Was he the guy who decided to buy a pet praying mantis and it turned out to be an athiest?

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Paddy & Mick were on a long haul flight back to Ireland.

The captain comes on the tannoy and says "an engine has failed,we will be 15 mins late into Dublin"

A short time later the captain says "The 2nd engines failed,we will be 30 mins late into Dublin"

A short time later "The 3rd engines failed,we will be 45 mins late into Dublin"

Paddy turns to Mick and says"I hope the last engine doesn't fail,or we will be up here all bleedin night!!"

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What's the first thing you do immediately after having sex with an essex girl?

 

Turn the car interior light on.

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Doris, is sitting in a bar, and says to her friend that she wants

to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

 

The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.

I know how to do it without surgery."

 

Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

 

The bartender says, "Just rub toilet paper between them."

 

Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?"

 

The bartender says, "I don't know, but it sure worked for your

ass."

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What does it say on the bottom of an Irish milk bottle?

 

 

Open other end.

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Man walks into a bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

 

Man says "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

 

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep"

 

Man replies, "I was talking to the sheep."

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Police pull up a car,the copper says "Have you got a police record?",

The driver replies,"Yes,walking on the moon".

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Paddy was pulled by police doing 80 mph in a 30 mph zone,down the middle of the road.the copper says,"What are you playing at?",Paddy says,"I'm only doing what is says on my license"

The copper looking puzzled replies,"What's that then?"

paddy says,"It says tear along the dotted line!"

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two drunks find a mirror in the road, the first one picks it up and says "i know that face but i cant put a name to it" the second one picks it up and says "its me you daft c***"

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Paddy & Mick Were Very Drunk One Night And Decided To Nick A Bus From The Bus Station.anyway,they Got Off The Bus And Paddy Said"you Are Thick You Mick","why",replies Mick."well,if You Had Nicked A Number 22,instead Of A 33,we Could've Got Off Outside The Chippy At The Bottom Of Our Road".

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