Story: 'Trapped in Hillsborough.'

[Falls 10]

Hi,

 

Now that Mick Coyle has thrown down the gaunlet with his wonderful "Trapped" story, my Bear story has been eclipsed.

 

To try and regain some pride, I have decided to throw caution to the wind and bring out what was to have be my original submission. I had put it on one side for technical reasons but needs must.

 

This is a work of fiction, and only fiction. It contains adult subject material and readers descretion is advised.

 

Trapped in Hillsborough.

[coyleys 10]

Excellent Falls.

It doesn’t give me much time to concoct another tale; I hope you haven’t got many more of those surprises in the bag.

And what is the meaning of…..

(Unlikely To Be Continued)

I got all amorous with myself, so to carm down I had to go for a two mile jog and that’s not funny when you’re only wearing your pajamas and the wife’s fluffy pink carpet slippers, I heard the muttering as I passed the pub “Oh, It’s only the village loony”

[pattricia 578]

Well Falls, would you credit it. A sexy novel.(The only one I DID want to be continued) Are you going to continue it ?

[redrobbo 10]

The story is a bit convulated at first, with too many extraneous bits of information which detract from the narrative.

 

Then the story gets into a good stride, and begins to flow more easily. The amorous fumblings are brilliantly described, without descending into pornography. The reader senses a climax approaching (no pun intended) but then the whole narrative is annoyingly interrupted and destroyed with ..... "(Unlikely To Be Continued)"! The story suddenly and abruptly comes to a halt at this point in the narrative! Why the self-censorship?

 

I didn't sense a feeling of the main character being trapped at all. Instead I felt that a young man had fallen lucky - big style - through a casual encounter with a sophisticated woman of the world.

[Falls 10]

The story is a bit convulated at first, with too many extraneous bits of information which detract from the narrative.

 

Then the story gets into a good stride, and begins to flow more easily. The amorous fumblings are brilliantly described, without descending into pornography. The reader senses a climax approaching (no pun intended) but then the whole narrative is annoyingly interrupted and destroyed with ..... "(Unlikely To Be Continued)"! The story suddenly and abruptly comes to a halt at this point in the narrative! Why the self-censorship?

 

I didn't sense a feeling of the main character being trapped at all. Instead I felt that a young man had fallen lucky - big style - through a casual encounter with a sophisticated woman of the world.

 

Hello,

 

Yes, the first part was somewhat disjointed but that's one of my lingering problems. Trying to get all the details that I feel the reader needs to know and at the same time keep the narrative going. Obviously I need to work on it.

 

As for the " Unlikley To Be Continued ", the word " Unlikely" was a last minute addition. This type of story was a complete departure from anything that I have written before. I felt that if I did finish the story, it would also herald my "complete departure" from the group once Mantaspook and Shoeshine had a look at it.

 

Anyway, thanks for the comments.

 

Regards

[pattricia 578]

Hello,

 

Yes, the first part was was somewhat disjointed but that's one of my lingering problems. Trying to get all the details that I feel the reader needs to know and at the same time keep the narrative going. Obviously I need to work on it.

 

As for the " Unlikley To Be Continued ", the word " Unlikely" was last minute change. This type of story was a complete departure from what I have so far attempted. I felt that if I did finish the story, it would also herald my "complete departure" from the group once Mantaspook and

Shoeshine had a look at it.

 

Regards

 

Not at all, they would love you to continue it.

[coyleys 10]

Falls this is an adult group.

Ok! That doesn’t say its wide open for obscenities, but most modern day authors have a bit of,(erm! we will not say sex, but bordering on) in their writing.

At first I was a bit shy to write stuff like that, but you have to cater for the wider audience.

[redrobbo 10]

Hello,

 

Yes, the first part was somewhat disjointed but that's one of my lingering problems. Trying to get all the details that I feel the reader needs to know and at the same time keep the narrative going. Obviously I need to work on it.

 

Too much detail though - it spoils the flow of the narrrative. Tip: Try working in some of the details as the story unfolds, rather than cramming every detail into the scene setting at the beginning of the story.

 

As for the " Unlikley To Be Continued ", the word " Unlikely" was a last minute addition. This type of story was a complete departure from anything that I have written before. I felt that if I did finish the story, it would also herald my "complete departure" from the group once Mantaspook and Shoeshine had a look at it.

 

Anyway, thanks for the comments.

 

Regards

 

I don't think Mantaspook and shoeshine would take any such action at all. As I said in my previous post, you avoided the story descending into pornography - not an easy task given the subject matter. You achieved this with brilliance in my opinion. Some very fine writing indeed, even if the subject matter was a complete departure from your usual style.

 

I think that the stories from Falls continue to improve in style, and I look forward to reading future stories. Keep up the good work!

[pattricia 578]

You say "Unlikley To Be Continued " . What a shame, ive actually read it twice. If you ever do write Part Two you can always PM me with it ,if its too hot, for the Writers Group". !!

[shoeshine 10]

Falls, you racy old devil!

 

Fancy pattricia reading it twice!

[sauerkraut 10]

Just wondering, was your character a "graduate" at the time?

 

I agree that the narrative needs a bit of sorting at the beginning, especially as it can't seem to decide what tense it's written in, which gets a bit confusing. But it definitely has potential. So to speak.

[Mantaspook 14]

Hi Falls,

 

I saw the title for this one and thought it was going to be a story about a motorist trying to get through the tramgate. (Now theres an idea...)

 

I think redrobbo is right about the beginning being convoluted, you could have just pitched straight in with “The party had been much better than I expected, I had enjoyed myself immensely and thanked the hostess for inviting me, it was then that she asked me a favour…”

 

The rest of the story was very well written, the erotic story line was maintained with a subtle touch and you drew a discreet veil over the proceedings at just the right moment. There’s certainly no need to go into further graphic detail, we can all imagine what happened next - although the ending was a bit abrupt, possible the first instance of storyus interuptus I’ve come across.

 

Like you, I don’t think the narrator was trapped at all. He was a jammy begger.