What would you do? Should I make contact with my dad?

[hmr44 10]

Righto, i'm in a pickle and just wondered what everybody else would do if they were me.

 

My dad left when I was about 10 and he stopped having contact with us when he remarried, I don't know where he lives, or his telephone number but I know where he works. I recently found out he had another child, and my mum had the bad luck of bumping into his new family in Asda.

 

What it is, I keep getting this urge to just tell him how well I'm doing without him, I just WANT him to know how much I've done in the past 9 years, how I've passed all my exams, got a wonderful job, great friends and boyfriend, how wonderful my mum and bro are too, and I know it sounds awful but I don't want him to just die and then he won't know any of this, I don't want to regret not telling him any of it and then he just won't know. I can't explain it very well but I hope you know what I mean.

 

I don't want to contact him, as I don't want him to feel like I need him, but how can I let him know how well I've done without him?! If it were you would you write to him or something?

[King Rat 10]

My dad has just recently died & i regret not making more of an effort in the past to visit him more often as most people who've lost someone close probaly do, so i would say yes if it's what you want & i'm sure he'll be proud & pleased to see you.

[Cyclone 10]

If you want him to know so that he feels bad for missing out, or to prove that you didn't need him, then I wouldn't bother. What's the point of reinstigating contact if it's all going to be negative.

If i've misunderstood then maybe it's a good idea, but only if he'd actually be interested.

[hmr44 10]

It won't be all negative, I just want him to be proud I think... I don't know I'm all confused

[Littlepink 10]

If it's not just to make your Dad feel bad then put it into writing and tell him you just wanted to let him know how you are doing in life . i'm sure he'd get it at work . But if it's just to ' get one up on him' then it seems pointless as he'll maybe feel bad and bin the letter. Parents do things for reasons their kids do not understand ,so maybe he has done what he thinks was best by not keeping in touch . It may make you feel better to tell him you are doing well but do it nicely so he knows just how well you have turned out . i hope things turn out well for you whatever you decide to do

[B133L3 10]

I was once in a similar situation .Then one day i just went and introduced myself to him,i walked away satisfied my mom was not happy that i had met up with him but i am glad i did and we get on very well . I also discovered another side to the story as well

[EdnaKrabappe 14]

I kind of know some of what you feel as I don't know my father at all. He's never bothered looking for me and I've not asked my mum who my father is since I've been old enough to understand the facts of life. When my mates are moaning about their parents being over interested in their lives, I'm slightly envious that I've not got that and that (apart from my nan) the book really stops with me and at times like that I wish he'd be there but the fact of the matter is he might as well be a fictious character.

 

My stepfather has two children one either side of my age i.e 37 and 35 who he stopped contact with at 10 and 8 respectively and I honestly don't know how he could do that (well I know how HE could do that but I don't know how someone could do that.) Just see it XSunshinex that he's given you a challenge in early life that you've pulled through without him. Your life is enough statement to that. My stepfather's children did contact him incidently about ten years ago, my sister (who is 17) was really excited that her other half brothers had turned up but they didn't stay in touch for whatever reason and my stepfather would have made no attempts to do so .

 

Likewise I've got a close friend who was adopted at birth from drug addict parents - sadly her mother died but her father wants nothing to do with her and refuses to acknowledge her identity, having now carved out a respectable life for himself. I dunno why my friend felt the need to tell him that she'd done well - she felt like this after she'd had children - she's got a good job and house, close friends, two lovely children, a wonderful husband and her adoptive mother is a great woman. But she just did. She got a bitter sweettaste in her mouth from it but some closure. Perhaps that's what you are looking for?

Although none of these situations are quite like yours perhaps there are some answers in here for you.

[ANGELUS 10]

I can understand why you want to do this sunshine as my dad left us for another woman when I was around the same age.. the best advice I could give you is, something that I am about to accomplish as well and that is:-

 

Show him that you have been so much better without him in your life since he left - and that you have become successful without him being there

 

My dad left us in the lurch and in debt, my mam - bless her - has managed - without any aid or benefits I might add - to keep a house afloat, manage to sort the debts out on her own, and raise two kids - all without a lot of cash.. she does work, buts in a really low paid job.. but she has raised us to learn how to fend for ourselves, and be happy in our lives.

 

My dad had a stroke last year - and to be honest, I cannot be doing with the man in my life - I have become something that he will never be, and that is self sufficient for starters- and I have become happy in life totally due to making the right decisions when it mattered most, and I am on the verge of owning my own business which will become very successful so we have been told by many people - so the biggest slap in the face and to show them - how much you dont need someone or to make a statement and say FU - become a success without them.

 

Works a treat for me

[hmr44 10]

Yes that's what I want to do Littlepink, I don't want to get back in contact with him though cos I could never see him as a 'dad' again, if that makes sense.

[SheShe 10]

It comes across as if you actually want to have a relationship with him.

If this is the case then make the first move and see what happens.

If you don't then what is the point of upsetting yourself.

YOU know that you've done well and all the people close to you do.

It really is a decision on whether you want to establish contact or not.

I wish you all the best and bet your mum is really proud of herself for the way she's brought you up.

[hmr44 10]

Aw Edna and Angelus ur stories made me cry a little bit(I am a bit overemotional today). My mum is the same Angelus, she is such a wonderful woman and so much better off without him, that it really makes me pity him a little bit for not having that anymore. Because apparently it's all gone wrong with his second wife too, so you never know - the new little daughter might not know him either.

 

Thanks you guys x

[Littlepink 10]

Just tell him how you feel in the letter but also let him know you only want him to be proud or happy for how you have turned out but that you nothing else from him including no contact . Maybe he will be just as happy that you feel you want him to know . If it gives you peace of mind and stops the torment you feel then surely that can only be positive but remember that ' Dad ' may decide he wants contact again and that you then have to deal with that