Is it normal if your lover reads porn?

[nick2 10]

Hey, what is new. I don't see you being supportive and tell the gf to actually find a new bf who does not do that.

 

We could equally advise the guy to get a new girlfriend who doesn't feel threatened by a few pictures of fantasy tarts.

[Grandad.Malky 11]

All this assumes that everything else in the garden is rosey...

 

That’s the 24 thousand dollar question; if the future of the relationship balances on such a trivial question it doesn’t look good.

[plekhanov 10]

If you are upset about something, wouldn't you do something about it, or find out why you are upset, or even to talk to somebody etc? Something needs to be done so that she can stop being so upset. Whether it is talking to someone, doing something herself to forget about it, whatever...

I asked 'Why does him looking at porn need to be 'dealt with' at all?' She obviously needs to deal with getting so worked up about this but going off the information we have so far there's nothing to suggest that his behaviour needs to be 'dealt with'.

 

Hey, read the thread. Some male members here mentioned something about the couple should or if you want me to be "PC" about it, "suggests" that the couple should try porn together.

Some posters have pointed out that some couples like to watch porn together, will you please point out where anybody has said this couples should?

 

Have you care to notice that most men say that "it is normal", but they detract away from the point that the gf is indeed upset about it. Why?

Maybe because people don't think that's it's something that you should really be that upset about?

 

That's your opinion.

 

Pretty standard hurtful behaviours from the recipient's point of view. Hey, what is new. I don't see you being supportive and tell the bf to actually find a new bf who does not do that.

How would suggesting that someone break up over this be supportive? Her chances of finding a boyfriend who doesn't occasionally look at porn are rather slim, if the relationship is in other respects a happy one it would be really rather stupid to break up just because she doesn't want to accept that he might on occasion look at porn.

 

The most 'supportive' thing to do here is to suggest that she reconcile herself with the fact that men (in general) like to look at attractive women and that so long as her boyfriend does so in an unobtrusive way which doesn't mean he's neglecting her or going off trying to cheat on her then she shouldn't blow things out of proportion and wreck her relationship.

[plekhanov 10]

What do you mean pretend? Maybe some people do not like talking of such private matters so publically? Do you air ALL your laundries to the masses? Do you share every single details of your own life and of your OHs life's to everybody where it can be criticised and to be embarrassed over ?

 

I do not need to know what other people get up to, thank you.

What on earth are you talking about? All I said was that men using porn is well within the bounds of normative behaviour.

 

I fail to see how you think that in anyway counts as airing 'ALL your laundries to the masses' or a suggestion that anybody else should.

[Bago 10]

We could equally advise the guy to get a new girlfriend who doesn't feel threatened by a few pictures of fantasy tarts.

Great, now you think women are tarts.

 

You see... I don't know what to make of this. There is this perception of this "wifey" type, and then there is this "slut" type. Whyyy the heck do men do this? This labelling. I read that comment and do not know what to make of it. On the one hand, it's all well and good that the male porn user do not think of his gf in in some kind of demeaning way, yet on the other, he has this unhealthy attitude towards women! It is worrying that there is this disassociation between how he sees her, and how he see someone from that picture.

 

I'd seriously worry about this perception business.

[Bago 10]

That’s the 24 thousand dollar question; if the future of the relationship balances on such a trivial question it doesn’t look good.

 

There you go.... exactly why the gf in question worries about approaching his bf to talk of such issues. I don't blame her!

[nick2 10]

Great, now you think women are tarts.

 

The ones in porn mags, yes.

 

(the same goes for blokes in porn mags, whatever the male equivalent of a tart is)

[Bago 10]

I asked 'Why does him looking at porn need to be 'dealt with' at all?' She obviously needs to deal with getting so worked up about this but going off the information we have so far there's nothing to suggest that his behaviour needs to be 'dealt with'.

She is upset by it. So relieving her upsetness is good, no? I would appreciate it from friends talking to me if I was down. Won't you?

 

I do not understand why this attitude to say "she should get over it". Grow up! My Gawd. If women LIKES porn, then they would've done it from day one. Not to change their mind about it, and everything before they can accept it.

 

This aggressive attitude of "take or lump" is is sick. As I said before, I don't criticise what men may or may not do in the privacy of their own home. I do not need to know. As with this instance here, the gf do not need to be taken to pieces just for sharing a private matter. I'd fear for her cos I knew what the attitude would be.

 

Some posters have pointed out that some couples like to watch porn together, will you please point out where anybody has said this couples should?

I thought that is what discussions are about? I was "taught" by "some" people on this thread that we should and must remain ontopic. This is always logical, a Yes or a No situation. Gf do not like porn. End of. Why the need to persuade and change her perception?

 

What people get up to bears no relevancy to what this girl is asking. Unless they are suggesting that she should do this too. Which brings me back to the point about co-ercing someone to do something that they don't want to!

 

Maybe because people don't think that's it's something that you should really be that upset about?

If you are not them, why are they not entitled to be upset? Do you ever realises that to trivialise something which someone finds of important is also considered as obtuse too? I thought that everyone is respected and not everyone is the same. Cos if we are all the same, why do we have disagreements? It is indeed upsetting to find your partner who you quite like or love even, to be so into porn, or someone else. Men do not like their OH flirting or oggled by other men and such-like, and they have to grow and learn in a relationship about it. Why can't women be left alone to do the same with porn??!

 

How would suggesting that someone break up over this be supportive? Her chances of finding a boyfriend who doesn't occasionally look at porn are rather slim, if the relationship is in other respects a happy one it would be really rather stupid to break up just because she doesn't want to accept that he might on occasion look at porn.

He isn't the man she thought he was, and in a way, it dampens your perception of that man surely. That little bit of trust and respect is dampened a little bit. We all know how not all women accepts it.

 

So... what is left of the relationship, cos that honeymoon period is certainly over too soon, too quickly. A lot of men deal with such issues more sensitively, rather than 1) to blame others for their own actions, ) to get the impression that all women are men, and are into porn and do not respect them if they don't, 3) make out that they are monsters for even contemplating such ideas! Wow... I see why the relationship would not be dampened at all. Cos if women just act like men and accepts it from day one, then all will be rosy in the relationship. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

 

The most 'supportive' thing to do here is to suggest that she reconcile herself with the fact that men (in general) like to look at attractive women and that so long as her boyfriend does so in an unobtrusive way which doesn't mean he's neglecting her or going off trying to cheat on her then she shouldn't blow things out of proportion and wreck her relationship.

The most supportive thing here is not to condone any bad behaviours which her bf inflicted on her, cos it is HIS actions and HIS responsibility in dealing with a relationship. Many women are smart and just turn over a blind eye, and maybe this is because they love their bf so much. If women do not cry behind closed doors because of such things, I will eat my foot.

[Bago 10]

Edited: Forget it. I can see where such threads will lead, yet again. I don't have time today.

[nick2 10]

Some people may not want their sex life to be discussed in this manner publically!

 

Surely they wouldn't post on a forum about it then ?

[pattricia 574]

Of course its flippin normal. Would think it wasnt normal if your other half didnt read porn.

[rubydazzler 11]

Give it up Bago, you're just getting into a debate for no good reason. This has been discussed on SF quite a few times before. For the men and women replying, looking at porn is probably a usual thing and, therefore, normal and it's difficult for them to consider any other viewpoint

 

There's a saying on the internet, delete, delete, delete, and that's good advice for anyone who's doing something they suspect their partner won't like. Men and women who suspect their OH is indulging in things they won't like, find it hard to resist the urge to snoop, remember the tale of Bluebeard's wife? Then when they find their suspicions are correct, they have to reassess the relationship.

 

For some people the idea that their partner is finding pleasure in looking at another man or woman is as distressing as finding they're unfaithful. Decisions do have to be made. I suppose that people who routinely look at porn find this attitude rather silly and so theiy're dismissive about it.