Story: 'The House on Grim Lane.'

[coyleys 10]

This story carries a public health warning.

 

It is not recommended for anyone suffering from Piles, Trench foot, Ironing board elbow or a similar nervous disposition to read.

 

It may also be harmful to squirrels (only of the lesser spotted variety), accountants, small lumps of double Gloucester cheese and anyone suffering in the advanced stages of in growing cloisters.

 

You have been warned.

 

I simply must stop sniffing the Roquefort.

 

The house on Grim Lane.

[Mantaspook 14]

Bravo Coyleys, that was really funny, like “Last of the Summer Wine” meets “Most Haunted”, I particularly liked the Quasimodo quip and the “Can I call you John” exchange, if anything I would have liked more of the funny dialogue with the eccentric characters, that is, until they discover he is the new owner of grim house when they all suddenly shut up and warn him of the brooding menace he has acquired…

 

Just one thing I would consider changing, there is a jarring scene change just after he meets Doreen.

 

After the line “with a look of horror as he came face to face with Doreen." she either must say something immediately to puncture the tension or you should use a ‘Scene change line’

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Like this, that way the reader knows the story has moved on, it is several moments later and he is sat down with a whisky in his hand.

 

Apart from that minor point the story is a ripping yarn and your writing technique is certainly coming along nicely. Keep sniffing the Roquefort. Well done!

[scribe 10]

If it had been my sister , i would have kicked her out of the door.

Nag,nag,nag,nag ,nag ,nag .Or i would have sent her on her way to see the Major the options are endless ,got to be a part 2 with this one.

[brisbane 10]

Loved it, very well written. Loved the twist but wanted the story to get more haunting. I could have kept reading on and on with that!

[pattricia 575]

Loved it, very well written. Loved the twist but wanted the story to get more haunting. I could have kept reading on and on with that!

 

Yes, it really kept you reading.

[coyleys 10]

It just goes to show what different people yearn for in a story;

Mantas = a bit more humour.

Brisbane= more spooky.

And Pattricia “Bless her” she’s just so easy to please.

As for Scibes, got to be a part 2 with this one. Well you’ve had it, let’s just say after two weeks with his sister he did a runner and is now living in a garden shed with his old mate Johnnie Walker (Green label) somewhere on Healy Bottom, where he sits all day examining his free radicals.

[brisbane 10]

Yeah loved it, it reminded me a bit of when I read the Magic Cottage by Stephen King. It had that feel about it. I liked the humour and spookiness! I could have definately kept turning the pages on that one.

[sauerkraut 10]

Very clever and very good! If I'm allowed just one very minor quibble (and hopefully not giving anything away): how did she get in?

[coyleys 10]

Very clever and very good! If I'm allowed just one very minor quibble (and hopefully not giving anything away): how did she get in?

 

I think most people who are going to read it have read it by now.

This is fiction and so there are an infinite number of possibilities, but in this case, taking into consideration she was a sibling and most siblings have access to other sibling’s homes.

So the answer is she had a key.