Story: 'The Key.'

[matthewluck 10]

Here is my first story in the writers group...

 

Hope you enjoy it

 

The Key.

 

Matthew

[Mantaspook 14]

Hi Matthew.

 

A nice debut story there, I really liked the dialogue between the characters which was very believable.

 

This story still has LOADS of potential! I think you set your stall out far too early in the second sentence, with a bit of tweaking you could turn this into a brilliant ghost story.

 

For instance, you could imply that Michael has passed away using such sentences as “I suppose I’ll have to get rid of his clothes” and “Since that grim day in church” (referring to her wedding, not a funeral)

 

Jane could be suffering from stress / depression over the break up and think she is losing her mind, that’s why she keeps losing things. Her concerned sister could be accompanying her to the doctors as well as the dog kennels.

 

There was a small continuity error: the sisters left the house, passed the antiques shop and then saw the grandfather clock. Surely they’d have noticed it missing from the hall on their way out? It may have been better to discover the clock when returning from the kennels thus giving a window of opportunity to Michael.

 

I would toy with the idea that the ending could do with a bit more deliberate violence to emphasise her vulnerability although the ending you have is already very good indeed.

 

Well done

[Kaimani 10]

Hi Matthew.

 

A nice debut story there, I really liked the dialogue between the characters which was very believable.

 

This story still has LOADS of potential! I think you set your stall out far too early in the second sentence, with a bit of tweaking you could turn this into a brilliant ghost story.

 

For instance, you could imply that Michael has passed away using such sentences as “I suppose I’ll have to get rid of his clothes” and “Since that grim day in church” (referring to her wedding, not a funeral)

 

Jane could be suffering from stress / depression over the break up and think she is losing her mind, that’s why she keeps losing things. Her concerned sister could be accompanying her to the doctors as well as the dog kennels.

 

There was a small continuity error: the sisters left the house, passed the antiques shop and then saw the grandfather clock. Surely they’d have noticed it missing from the hall on their way out? It may have been better to discover the clock when returning from the kennels thus giving a window of opportunity to Michael.

 

I would toy with the idea that the ending could do with a bit more deliberate violence to emphasise her vulnerability although the ending you have is already very good indeed.

 

Well done

 

i can't wait to read your work spook, you sound like a man who knows what he's talking about. i have already changed some of my work from the advice you give on the forum and they are much stronger for it. thanks and praises. i can't read people's work at the moment as there's a slight problem with my password but it'll soon come. keep it up:thumbsup:

this is jah work, only the mistakes are mine.

blessed rasta

[matthewluck 10]

Thanks for the feedback mantaspook, I am going to add to the story soon and find your feedback very helpful.

[pattricia 575]

Thanks for the feedback mantaspook, I am going to add to the story soon and find your feedback very helpful.

 

Yes, arent we lucky to have mantaspook to read our stories. I enjoyed it very much,it led you on to find out what happened at the end.Very good for a first try.

[coyleys 10]

Yes, nice one Matthew, I liked it.

As it was said earlier, with a few good innuendos along the way, the story has potential for a good spooky, only to find there is a simple explanation.

I would be inclined to turn the story around, working on the presumption that it was Michael through out the story, only to end with a mystical undertone.

[brisbane 10]

Welcome to the writers forum Mathew!

Enjoyed the story too, thought it flowed very well and it made you want to keep reading.