Story: 'A blind man's sonata in 'A' minor.'(Multiple versions)

[Kaimani 10]

hey guys. sorry been quiet for a while, had to spend three months at her majesty's pleasure in doncaster. live and learn right? first and last, Jah willing. anyway, thanks for the comments. and i have made more-will be on 100th draft by the time this is done!-changes. spook, your advice is invaluable-hope this is the right word- and i must say i would have never thought of it myself. but having taken it on board it has changed the work for the better. mos def. still struggling with the skitso nature of the english in the book. throwback to gainign indipendance from colonial powers i guess. under the british first then the americans moved in with their coke and burgers after indipendence and so there's a whole generation who talk about faucets, billfolds, movies, cellphones and whatnot in the same breath as some very british words and phrases and so maybe confusing readers on both sides of the atlantic. don't know if you noticed this and don't know if it's annoying or not so bad. anyway, going to do, i think, two more drafts-story needs trimming and toutening a little bit and i have a character who's battling to get a bigger part, and also cut out some of the flowery nonsense. then it's the dreaded synopsis!

[Mantaspook 14]

Hey, welcome back Kaimani, hope you’ve learned your lesson & remember to take your library books back on time in future!

 

I’m really looking forward to seeing the latest draft of your masterpiece; it’s a pleasure to watch its development.

 

Stick with it, you’ve got something special there.

[Kaimani 10]

Thought you'd got tired of reading slightly different incarnations of the same thing. hope you like this.

 

Chapters nine to sixteen.

Edited March 5, 2009 by Mantaspook
Updated server link.

[pattricia 575]

Very dramatic story here.

[scribe 10]

I find it hard to get into this style /type of story, not my thing really but I'm sure some on the forum will really enjoy it ( No disrespect to you K ) .

[Kaimani 10]

it is very different from the original, so, you should find a surprise or two. jumbled up the chapters. never really been done as far as i know. might be because it's 'a load of ****e'-learnt that new phrase today!! but i think it makes the story move faster and does add more suspense-kind of- to the whole thing. does mean the reader needs an IQ above, say, fourteen to work out that the story is not exactly going chronologically. hope it works. if not, seriessix suggested i keep the original. did this and can always fall back on that.

 

A blind mans sonata in 'A' minor - Version 3

Edited March 5, 2009 by Mantaspook
Updated server link.

[Mantaspook 14]

I seem to recall one of Iain M. Banks novels had a similar device; the title eludes me for the moment, if I remember correctly I think it followed two main characters, one character had chapters 1,2 3,4 etc. the other character had chapters I, II,III,IV etc and the ‘roman numeral’ chapters were interlaced with the ‘normal’ chapters.

 

It sounds complicated but it seemed to work - the reader could track the two separate stories as they converged to a big showdown at the end of the book.

 

Kaimani, I have had a brief read through of your story and my first impression is that it isn’t very easy to read, lots of characters and abstract ideas are introduced suddenly and the story narrative hops about all over the place, on the plus side there are some very nice phrases that you use (“Time stopped in room 33” – I like that) but they are buried in the general confusion.

 

The concise conclusion is this: You are getting too involved with the writing when you should be concentrating on the storytelling.

 

Having said that, your writing is very unusual and sometimes beautiful, it just needs to sound more natural and flowing.

[Peacock Lady 10]

I don't think the chronology is going to be an issue if you work on the writing a little more. It's all far too dense, and complex, and so very difficult to read. If the writing were more accessible, then the chronology would not be a problem. Lots of writers have used that sort of trick.

 

There are some good bits in here: some lovely images. But there's just too much of it all, in my opinion, and it needs a thorough prune.

[scribe 10]

OUCH! But sound advise ,not that i know a lot .

[coyleys 10]

OUCH! But sound advise ,not that i know a lot .

 

The truth hurts.

Kaimani, you certainly have a talent, but heed the advice given in these replies.

[pattricia 575]

This is in Kaimanis own style, and she should stick to it.

[coyleys 10]

This is in Kaimanis own style, and she should stick to it.

 

I totally agree Pattricia, I’m not saying change his/her style but give more emphasis on the story, I believe that is what keeps the reader captive.