The Truth about SF, The big G and The Fall from Grace

[miniminch]

I have to relate to you the sad but true tale of the creation of Sheffield forum. You may not ever hear this again and I’m sure the mods will remove this when they see its contents. But now I feel it is time that the truth is told;

 

 

The truth was, back in the day Geoff and I were friends, we went all the way back. We were born in the same street and our mothers often brought us to play with one another. Those were the good days before the fall! Babes and Brothers in arms

 

We were brother from different mothers but we shared even then an intrinsic desire to bring banal chat into the living rooms of the people. Those were the happy days, Geoff could do no wrong in my eyes. We share the same food, filled the same nappies and even back then, laugh at each others insane and babbling jokes. Has any one told the nappy joke?!

 

 

We weren’t like other children when we got older. We could often be seen hanging around cafes listening and recording carefully the conversations of the ordinary populace. Boring; yes! Irrelevant; definitely! Humourless bluster; most certainly!! But what those young boys found in all of this language data was the code; the key; and just possibly the answers to the higher questions;

 

What was the meaning of human existence?

 

Is the human consciousness evidence of a higher and divine power?

 

Would it snow at Christmas?

 

How would you define being a geek?

 

 

As we grew, exchanging ideas and dreams about how we would eventually set our plans in motion, the bond that was forged in those young boys’ souls seemed unbreakable! Even though the CIA had got their sights on us!

 

 

However, young dreams soon were replaced with greed and delusions of grandeur. Geoff became increasingly distant as he worked on the answers in the confines of his lab. I had the use of the university’s labs and I too worked feverishly day and night in the mad hope that it would be I and not him, who would find the code and unlock the doorway to innumerable possibilities and lonely unsolicited comments at 4.30 am to an audience of six. These were the dreams we had; mad, wild but achievable.

 

 

Then one day, like a bolt of lightening from the heavens we had our first break through! I was sat drinking coffee in the canteen wondering if any of our plans would materialise when Geoff burst into the room and shout across the space between us;

 

‘My dear fellow!’

 

‘What ever is the matter Geoff, old boy, you look dreadful!!’

 

‘Oh, I was working in the middle of the night on the superlative code sequence!’

 

‘My god, we thought that not possible!’

 

‘I know, we did, we did, we all did, we thought it was not possible to come up with a sequence that could amplify our vision of chat on the consciousness of the people of this city. I was working on the machine and there was a fault, I crawled around the back to fix it and became entangled in the workings, as I struggled to rid myself from the wires and gadgets that had caught me as surely as a lost fly in a beautiful web, it suddenly struck me, as if old boy, it was a voice from god himself.’

 

 

His voice there, seemed to taper out as a cloud obscured the sun and Geoff collapsed and wept and then continued!

 

 

‘I saw it there, in front of me, as clearly as I see you today. It shall be SHEFFIELD FORUM!’

 

 

And there it was - a simple and beautiful code, almost too simple and too beautiful to be comprehended! It had a literal elegance to it and yet seemed to shimmer just off on the horizon beyond our reach, beyond our steely grasp – and Geoff was the one who held the prize! And at that moment I hated the man who I had once shared many dreams, and shared many lonely conversations and once shared a Jacuzzi in Bradford!

 

 

However, instead of crushing me completely it made me more proud and determined to complete the next stage of our journey. Geoff may have cracked the unbreakable code but it would be I who found a solution, so that his code could bring benefits to thousands upon thousands of people who needed to find out, what bus went where, or whether or not we should kill all cyclists! There could be only one number one!

 

 

And sure enough, many summers later I found myself poor and starving on the south side of the city in a dingy room with a PC and a copy of Sonic the hedgehog! I worked late into the evenings sometimes forgetting to eat and once forgetting to put the cat out. Delirious one night, I put my dinner out and ate the cat. And so it continued, made even more hellish by the Geoff’s new found celebrity. He was in all the magazines, ‘beard of the month,’ ‘the cover of time magazine', 'nuts'. I could feel, somewhere deep within me, his success gloating and goading me further with his sickening cackle that I could feel upon the back of my neck with every word I typed!

 

 

But then, in a dream, it occurred to me that I could use Geoff’s code and incorporate it in to an online discussion group and bulletin board services to provide a variety of forums, in which participants with common interests can exchange open messages.

 

 

‘Oh, thank you lord,’ I wept that he had managed to bring to me some solace, some comfort and more importantly, a way to eclipse the achievements of my arch rival – Geoffrey Bowen!

I would soon better my rival

 

I strode into the city the next day with a renewed vigor and hope for my future. I saw it all clearly in the blossoming summer morning – it would be red and black and grey – it would have sections for ‘Sheffield Chat’, ‘General Chat’ and ‘Entertainment’ and even a place for the nerds, in the ‘Computer and Tech Chat’ section! It was brilliant; monumental in its scope and dynamic and subtle. I met with my then friend Henry Cleval and began to impart all I had come up with and all I had dreamed,

 

 

‘Oh My friend,’ said Henry ‘Could it be possible that such a mortal could be on the verge of something so – extraordinary!’

 

 

‘I know, Henry old boy.’ said I, drinking my coffee in Costas, ‘it hardly seems possible doesn’t it? That the likes of you and I could play such Gods!’

 

 

‘Not me, my dear fellow, you, just you, I haven’t the stomach for such leaps of imagination.’

 

 

Oh, come come, It is only a web site that we have before us – old Geoff will be green with envy.’

 

 

‘You are too modest, this is not just a ‘web site’ this is a new way of thinking – a portal that cuts to the very heart of insignificant chat!’

 

 

‘My God have you been at the sloe gin with lady linz old boy.’

 

 

‘Steady, I fear we don’t want to awaken that particular ghost again.’

 

 

‘Relax, I’ve read her posts, she will have never read this far!! Anyway I would rather see Geoffs reaction when we go live in a week!’

 

 

‘One week, are you insane?!’

 

 

‘I’ve never felt better, old bean, but we must strike now while I have the fire in my belly!’

 

 

 

And so, with that we both worked night and day to realize my dream. Come the Friday Henry had been taken ill with consumption and was taken to some dreaded infirmary, but I carried on regardless, until finally the forum was built. An embryo of what you all know today my dear friends. But there recognizable in form, a basic and beautiful interface.

 

 

I was number one. I can tell you that and I began to type my own name C…H….. but as soon as I finished it the door crashed open and before me stood my boyhood friend and my new enemy!

 

‘You took the code?’ Said Geoff leaning over me. And I realized for the first time that Geoff was build like a monolithic, stone clad, public closet!

 

‘I took it further than you ever could.’

 

‘Liar, ‘ he spat bringing his fist into my waiting face. ‘ you could have NEVER invented the code! Look at your feeble tries? Sheffield Swap Shop??? Steel City Chat?? Lady Chatteries Lovers?? I used to hurt myself laughing at nights thinking about your work, Me and My Men!

 

And in strode a group of menacing individuals wearing long green parkas festooned with badges.

 

‘My god, who are they?’ said I, now defeated beyond all recognition.

 

‘They are my MODS!’

 

‘Geoff, this is insane, this is just a place for local people to chat!’

 

‘Chat? Chat?! You think that’s what this is?’ Said Geoff now surveying the servers I had built. ‘This is more than chat my friend! This is my access into the minds of the common herd! This is what I dreamed of since we were children.'

 

‘But what about me? and all the dreams we shared’

 

‘What ABOUT you? Oh I’ve got plans for you. I am going to give you a clown’s name, the name of an imp, and no one will ever, EVER take you seriously again. You shall be called MINIMINCH’

 

‘MY GOD, YOU WOULDN’T DARE!!’

 

With that he grabbed my machine. He laughted wildly, so loud that it shook the building. And he erase the number one name and added his own at number two. And then he shouted majestically,

 

‘There can be only one,’

 

‘But your number two boss.’ Said Joe P his chief Mod.

 

‘Yes, technically you are right, but I am in fact number one, even though it clearly says number two, there is no number one so that means number two becomes number one even though I will have to have number two as my number let it not be forgotten that when anyone says number two from now on they are in fact referring to number one which isn’t there and is now of course number two.

 

‘Yeah whatever boss’ said big Tony!

 

And so my friends here is almost the end of the story of how the forum came to be. Mine, as you have heard, briefly, oh so briefly. I could have had it all if it wasn’t for ..well fate. And I am left to roam the chatrooms of my own existence, ruining treads and starting arguments and being generally berated by stupid people. I have done so many things, I've seen things you people wouldn't believe; attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched coach parties set off for Cleethorpes from Arundel gate. And then the picture of T020 as Hitler on hot or Not. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

 

And what of Geoff, I hear you whisper. Well, I never really made up with my old friend and he disappeared from the forum, bored as he soon is with anything he touches. I have this one picture of him. Geoff now spends his days in an assortment of satanic activity!

 

 

Now I know this thread will not last for long because of the content here within. However, if you do get to read it – store it well in your minds. Know that if you reach too high for the stars you will be burnt. I wanted so much to be your number one but it was never meant to be. A bigger ego than me now resides in this place. Goodnight x

 

When last seen Geoff has now bought his own island and changed his name and lives in a house designed in the shape of his own head!

 

Note; there may have been one or two factual embelishments - Any similarity to any real person or character is purely for a laugh and the purpose of ridicule!

[*_ash_*]

 

ash

[owdlad]

Good stuff Min, but as you predict, it is probably doomed.......good stuff none the less

[Ann*]

The best post I've seen for ages....tears of laughter are pouring down my cheeks as I type.

 

I hope it lasts forever, because everyone needs to know who "Member #1" really is.

[Ms Macbeth]

Your talents are wasted Mini, you should be writing fantasy Loved this bit

And in strode a group of menacing individuals wearing long green parkas festooned with badges.

 

Hope you're back soon

[JoeP]

Love it.

 

Just one inaccuracy - I'd never call Geoff 'Boss' - it's always been Guv or Gaffer.

[Ms Macbeth]

Love it.

 

Just one inaccuracy - I'd never call Geoff 'Boss' - it's always been Guv or Gaffer.

 

Do you have a green parka Joe? (she asks innocently)

[redrobbo]

What The Critics Say

 

A fabulous account of sibling rivalry, inflated egos, and a struggle to become top dog. I loved the description of the Mods as the Mafia of the emergent Sheffield Forum.

 

I am crying with laughter. Classic miniminch!

[JoeP]

Do you have a green parka Joe? (she asks innocently)

 

Nah...after 'The Matrix' we swapped them for natty business suits like that Agent Smith wears. But we keep the Parkas for ceremonial events. When we induct new Mods the elephant only recognises us in Parkas so we need them for that...

 

Anyway....I'm on holiday. But couldn't resist!

[Joanl]

Brilliant Oh I DO love a good book.