coyleys Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Hi ya all In reply to Shoeshines earlier post, (Christmas is coming fast) I’ve made a start, The Ultimate Christmas Gift Here’s part one, comments please, no matter how insignificant they may seem, but not suggestions on how the tale will unfold, as I don’t want to be swayed in any way. Chapter 1 And here is part two. Chapter 2 and part three Chapter 3 and part four.... http://www.communitynet.org.uk/SFStoryArchive/1168298217.doc Chapter 4 part five Chapter 5 It would seem some readers were a bit confused with the ending, so I have revised the epilogue. Alternative ending. Enjoy Bye for now Mick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Hi ya all In reply to Shoeshines earlier post, (Christmas is coming fast) I’ve made a start, The Ultimate Christmas Gift Here’s part one, comments please, no matter how insignificant they may seem, but not suggestions on how the tale will unfold, as I don’t want to be swayed in any way. http://www.communitynet.org.uk/SFStoryArchive/1163121715.doc Bye for now Mick What an unusual story,cant wait for part two,if there is one ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brisbane Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 Loved the start of this story so far and now intrigued to the twist of change towards the end.....whatever will the next chapter be??? As for presents of small shrews, our cat colin keeps bringing us these love gifts too:hihi: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 I can get a feel for where this is going, coyleys. I like it.....and as with the other posters on here, am intrigued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seriessix Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Lets have part 2.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Lets have part 2.... Has I have said in a previous thread, Christmas is a busy time for me, but I’m working on it, there are probably another half dozen to come, so don’t panic. To coin a phrase from her-in-doors, “All good things are worth waiting for”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Hi Coyleys, The initial sentence is a bit nebulous, there is no real ‘opening hook’ – I would have started the story something like this: “Little Dove looked skywards as the huge fireball grew larger and larger, she panicked and started to run but it was too late, the ground beneath her feet erupted as the trees spiralled around her, the sky instantly turned to night, she slept, she dreamt…..” Then use the first three paragraphs - which incidentally are very good - you set the scene and gave a good insight into the customs and social structure of the Indian tribe and introduced characters that we may see later. From paragraph 4 there is a marked change in the flow of the story, the sentences are shorter, more random and follow a less coherent pattern. I suspect that you may be trying to convey Little Doves confusion after she has been bowled over by the explosion, in this case, I think you should have gone for the more dreamlike (longer) sentences as she came round and it would have been more informative to the reader. I think the sentence “His legs lay in an obscure position obviously broken in several places.” Would be better as “His legs lay at an unnatural angle, broken” I seem to recall someone saying “do not use the word ‘Obvious’ in a story, it either is or it isn’t – you shouldn’t have to tell the reader!” Minor point : you may have misspelled ‘Houston’ as ‘Huston’ but what do I know? personally I’m hoping you’ve got Angelica Huston from the Adams Family as CAPCOM she’s very sexy Looking forward to part 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Thanks Mantaspook I knew I could rely on you for some constructive comments, which is what we need a lot more of, if we are ever going to better ourselves that is. Though I must admit I had to look up “nebulous” It’s only the first part so it can be a bit hard to judge as yet. Part two should be weekend or next week at the latest. Thanks again Mick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Though I must admit I had to look up “nebulous” I always thought it meant 'without definite form' - however my eight year old daughter thinks it means "homeless spider" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 Hi ya all Part two is on my initial thread. Iv'e put this reply on so the thread will go to the top. Enjoy Mick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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