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Sheffield Memories - Compiled By L.S.Dunone

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Dear Sir,

 

Re the Crow Recipe.

 

In the absence of crows at my local supermarket, will the use ofchicken be in order? I don't posess a lump hammer and I'm not sure if they stock them at Abbotts. Will it be permissable to drive my car over them to tenderise the meat - if so, should I drive forwards or backwards?

 

"Steep crows in a bath of Oats and Stout." As I come from a long line of teetotallers and as I myself signed the pledge, can I use lemonade - if so, any particular brand?

 

Re the use of onions: Will it work with red onions?

 

 

Yours faithfully,

The Garroting Gourmet

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Dear Garotting Gourmet,

 

I don't know if you are aware of it, but one of the Ready Steady Cook'ers offered a similar "secret" recipe to yours truly during my culinary training at Fred Parsley's Krisp and Kool Takeaway on Staniforth Road many years ago.

 

Ostrich was the main ingredient he advised, and the bone-crushing machine used during my culinary trials at the time was a traditional Steam Roller. The ghost of this cheery piece of roadware (long since gone to the Great Macadam in the sky) can still oft be seen at dead of night trundling down Darnall Road on its way to where Fred's cafe used to be.

 

The Ready Steady Cook bloke went on to build his magnificent empire elsewhere. I believe he retains the recipe (in a bank vault) to this day.

 

I went on to greater things. I am the Food Consultant advising on Nutrition and Dietary Affairs at the Middlechester NHS Trust.

 

Fred Parsley's ghost is reputed to be the driver of the ghostly Steam Roller.

 

I hope this information will be of absolutely no use to you whatsoever.

 

There are too many cooks spoiling Broths these days.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Augustus Slipper

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I went on to greater things. I am the Food Consultant advising on Nutrition and Dietary Affairs at the Middlechester NHS Trust.

 

Dear Augustus Slipper,

 

I sincerely hope that you are able to advise on food additives. So many foods nowadays have a whole load of E numbers and it gets very confusing.

 

For some reason my local hospital now adds monosodium glutamate to everything, and certain dished are liberally dosed with MRSA.

 

Only last week I saw that a ready meal of rigatoni contained E180. On enquiring on the internet just what this is, I see that it is a three hour videotape.

 

Yours etc

The Garroting Gourmet

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Dear The Garroting Gourmet

 

I regret that the Conditions of my Consultancy Contract with the Middlechester NHS Trust forbids me to disclose matters pertaining to my experimental use of E-number compounds within, or without the geographical area and remit of it's medical facilities.

 

You may wish to seek full details under the Freedom of Information Act in a little less that 100 years time.

 

My apologies for having to answer your enquiry in such a seemingly negative manner.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Augustus Slipper

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I'll take that with a pinch of sodium chloride.

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Dear Augustus Slipper,

 

Do you not realise that MRSA combined with Crow Pie is now the recipe to get rid of all the Silver Surfers on the Internet.? They will disappear without delay, and no one will ask where they have gone. The younger members of The Writing Group will then have the section to themselves. Amen Augustus.:lol:

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Dear Sir,

Several yeas ago I decided to take control of my future and persue my dreams. I sold my house and bought a large run down three level building on a quiet edge of the city. The profits from the house also went on the renovations to this huge property and I also had to take out a large loan to cover the myriad of costs. Within four months I was able to start letting out the space to local business’s. Within a year my role as property developer transitioned to building manager. Even so, I still entered the building through a special half size door round the back.

 

Now I employ a building manager and have time to deal with the ultimate nature of reality, my transcendental journeys take me far away from my building to places that no one else has ever visited. I live the metaphysical world beyond the physical realm, and everyday I immerse myself in the benign nature of our existence. My dream has been realised and I am finally free. There is an old saying that goes ‘In the Kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king’. This statement has seen me through many difficult and embarrassing moments, maybe it can help others.

 

Greg Oodetta.

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Dear Greg Oodetta,

 

I reply to your letter through the good offices of the Editor of the "Property Developer's Guide for Short A*se, One-eye'd Landlords (Withernsea Area)" Magazine.

 

I am delighted you have, metaphorically speaking, seen the light at last, albeit through one shuttered lens only.

 

I too have been through the same hoop, or should I better qualify that, "through the half-height door to the metaphysical world". In my case, the door to enlightenment opened whilst returning home after a hefty evening in a local Public House sampling too much of the "Russian Whisky".

 

If you should return to the non-metaphysical world in the near future, will you please ensure that useless Building Manager, currently in your employ, arranges the affixation of a sign above your mini-portal indicating "MIND YOUR HEAD!

 

Yours etc

 

Max Headroom Esq.

 

Ridlington, East Yorks....

 

ps The writ is in the Post!

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Dear Greg Oodetta,

 

I reply to your letter through the good offices of the Editor of the "Property Developer's Guide for Short A*se, One-eye'd Landlords (Withernsea Area)" Magazine.

 

I am delighted you have, metaphorically speaking, seen the light at last, albeit through one shuttered lens only.

 

I too have been through the same hoop, or should I better qualify that, "through the half-height door to the metaphysical world". In my case, the door to enlightenment opened whilst returning home after a hefty evening in a local Public House sampling too much of the "Russian Whisky".

 

If you should return to the non-metaphysical world in the near future, will you please ensure that useless Building Manager, currently in your employ, arranges the affixation of a sign above your mini-portal indicating "MIND YOUR HEAD!

 

Yours etc

 

Max Headroom Esq.

 

Ridlington, East Yorks....

 

ps The writ is in the Post!

Do you realise,shoeshine,that this is one of the best things you have written.

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Do you realise,shoeshine,that this is one of the best things you have written.

 

That wasn't me, pattricia! :o

 

Some wally came through Mr. Oodetta's portal and posted on our Group. :o :o

 

Said "wally" is now the Managing Editor of "Property Developer's Guide for Short etc etc....(Withernsea Area) Magazine".

 

Some people always seem to fall on their feet, don't they? **sigh**

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