Looking after your parents

[Sultana]

At the moment, I do not think that children should be obliged to look after their parents as they get older. Parents choose to have children, and therefore should not expect anything in return. Obviously, it is nice if the kids keep in touch & help out where they can, but they will have their own lives & families to look after. I hve had experience of being the primary carer for an old & dear relative, but I would never try to force anyone to do this, as you can begin to resent the elderly person from time to time, and the responsibility & worry can sometimes make you ill.

However, I say this is how I feel at the moment - I may think differently when I am older, many peoples outlook changes with advancing years.

[Bago]

You know when you have a relationship with somebody, and you know something is not 'quite right', you just can't pinpoint on it. It turns out your instincts were right in the end. It's a fact. Well, let's just say when we talk, and I start to brainstorm on ideas and is less sympathetic, and not agree to all her points, I'm seen as antagonising. It's hard for a 20-something to relate to marital problems of a 60 year old lady.

 

I think we're from very different generations of women. It's my fault not keeping in touch and building upon it over the years. I don't know whether it's more stressful for her to live with her, or not. I'm glad she's in a good place and have supportive friends. At least it'll change her outlook in life to know she has good support.

[ladyB]

My mum can be a bit like that with me, to be honest it's the kids that have brought us closer together, it's not a girlie or perfect relationship but it seems to work, for us anyway...plus she has chilled out as she has got older. what i have found is that offering suggestions to her problems is pointless, I am younger what do I know....I will always be bloody younger no matter what age I am....I want to say.. however i don't I just listen and then say, God yea dad is a pain when he bangs on about his bowels!!!!

[Bago]

Thanks.

 

It's a struggle to be living the age that I am, and also being there for my mom, without playing the 'child' in the relationship.

[El-Mariachi]

I think traditionally, all the sons live together and no one moves out of the family home (except the daughters who go to their inlaws). I know of that still happening, even in this country.

 

I think that tradition will not last going forward especially due to issues of housing (and property sizes).

 

But that aside, is the tradition that the parents stay with the youngest or the eldest (assuming that they dont all live together for say practical reasons) ?

 

or is it down to the individual family to have their own tradition.

 

I'm just intrigued.

[spicey]

I think that tradition will not last going forward especially due to issues of housing (and property sizes).

 

But that aside, is the tradition that the parents stay with the youngest or the eldest (assuming that they dont all live together for say practical reasons) ?

 

or is it down to the individual family to have their own tradition.

 

I'm just intrigued.

 

I think it is probably the older son but know lots of families where the parents stay with the younger son.

[spicey]

I should also mention that until the age of around 7, my family living in one house was made up of:

 

My parents

My grandparents

Me and bro

My dad's younger unmarried (at the time) sister

My great-grandma (bedridden)

 

Great-grandma passed away when I was nearly 8 and my dad's sister got married when I was 13 (it is taboo for a woman to live alone before marriage).

 

So basically my parents provided for and paid bills for all these people/children.

[Bago]

Yes, it's similar to my family too. It's just that the way lifestyles are and where people live makes all the difference in a typical modern family unit.

 

My grandmas still lives with my auntie. My uncles took turn to live with my granma over the last 20 odd years. It's how they are. I think my cousins are quite close because of this, and they do respect my granma too. I think it affects them as adults too.

 

Thinking back, I must've shellshocked my parents for being so independent and so stubborn to live on my own. Oops.

 

My oldest bro is living with my parents too. I think my dad also went back to look after my grandad too, before he passed away. I kind of foresee the future now...

[spicey]

Thinking back, I must've shellshocked my parents for being so independent and so stubborn to live on my own. Oops.

 

My oldest bro is living with my parents too. I think my dad also went back to look after my grandad too, before he passed away. I kind of foresee the future now...

 

If your parents moved over here with you, then they would probably expect some more support. The thing is you've moved pretty far from home and quite a while ago so they are used to you being away. Going back to how independent your mum is and how you arent the favourite daughter, it would probably be in everyone's best interests if you didnt move back. You have other siblings close to them? Maybe you could call a bit more often to make them feel a bit better?

 

I moved to sheffield a couple of years ago and it took my mum a while to get used to it as we are very close. She still gets a bit upset even though I'm in my late 20s. She even said to me that she doesn't want me to move back home properly as she wants me married and living with my husband. Now that its actually going to happen, I have a feeling that she regrets saying it....I have had comments on how I'm not spending anytime with my family and only with my fiance and his family...

[Bago]

You can't please everyone...

 

Only one sibling lives with my parents. 2 sons, 2 daughters.