Looking after your parents

[Bago]

Same here. I know I've been fighting this kind of tradition in a long time, and I suppose it's never been said, or asked of me, but I know it's in the back of my mind, a lot. Saying that, I now see the good points of families staying together, or at least close proximity. I've been very independent my whole life. Practically. I feel guilty for being across the world from them, but saying that, I know it's unrealistic at the same time to care for them from afar.

[medusa]

My parents have made it plain that they don't ever want to put us in a position where we feel obliged to look after them or move them into our homes- they acknowledge that we'd kill each other if we tried to live in the same house after all these years of living independently.

 

They both have experience of family being dependent and it causing family problems- and they don't want that to ruin our relationship. We also don't live close by so it would take either them to move away from their friends or for me or my sister to do the same. So if it's necessary we're under strict instruction to find them a space in a nice home where they wouldn't be limiting us.

[spicey]

Same here. I know I've been fighting this kind of tradition in a long time, and I suppose it's never been said, or asked of me, but I know it's in the back of my mind, a lot. Saying that, I now see the good points of families staying together, or at least close proximity. I've been very independent my whole life. Practically. I feel guilty for being across the world from them, but saying that, I know it's unrealistic at the same time to care for them from afar.

 

There are good points but it's really difficult to make decisions that will affect the whole household. My mum can be very bitter about lack of independence her whole life (my grandparents are still going strong so maybe she will never know what it is like), especially as her two sisters have never had to put up with what she has had to. It's got to the point that she doesn't even want to go on holiday alone with my dad as they would be "bored" with just each other for company.

 

I understand how you feel though, especially the guilt. Like even now, my fiance has moved out just because of me and when he doesn't phone his parents or is mean to them, it really gets me upset.

[pattricia]

My parents have made it plain that they don't ever want to put us in a position where we feel obliged to look after them or move them into our homes- they acknowledge that we'd kill each other if we tried to live in the same house after all these years of living independently.

 

They both have experience of family being dependent and it causing family problems- and they don't want that to ruin our relationship. We also don't live close by so it would take either them to move away from their friends or for me or my sister to do the same. So if it's necessary we're under strict instruction to find them a space in a nice home where they wouldn't be limiting us.

 

 

I agree entirely with this.The time comes when you cant give them 24 hour care.But you shouldnt feel guilty about it.

[Bago]

There are good points but it's really difficult to make decisions that will affect the whole household. My mum can be very bitter about lack of independence her whole life (my grandparents are still going strong so maybe she will never know what it is like), especially as her two sisters have never had to put up with what she has had to. It's got to the point that she doesn't even want to go on holiday alone with my dad as they would be "bored" with just each other for company.

 

I understand how you feel though, especially the guilt. Like even now, my fiance has moved out just because of me and when he doesn't phone his parents or is mean to them, it really gets me upset.

Maybe a balance is necessary.

 

I used to hate big family life, but being independent on my own after uni, and looking back at growing up with families around me. I can see and appreciate how it has affected me as a person. I guess families are evolving all the time. I know my mom's generation were more dependent on each other, and families. I know my generation, this has changed.

 

You shouldn't have to feel so guilty about the fiance moving out. We all make choices. He doesn't have to be mean to his parents. Saying that, what am I saying ? I'm pretty mean to my parents too. I don't phone them as often. Especially when they tell me not to call. Yet they secretly wants me to call. It's the, "I don't want to let you go, but I don't want to be upset cos you're too far", kind of scenario. I should call more often.

[ladyB]

Maybe a balance is necessary.

 

It's the, "I don't want to let you go, but I don't want to be upset cos you're too far", kind of scenario. I should call more often.

 

I know it is really hard to keep your parents happy, I was raised in a very strict irish catholic family and I spent years hating the responsibilty that brings. I had to be what they want me to be and behave in a way they felt was appropriate...for example, good catholic girls don't go to the pub on fri nights and stay out till 3, as 18 year old thats all I wanted to do. anyhow, I am now older and a parent and I realise that they just wanted the best for me.....soory went off the point a little......yes, you should call more often, even if it's just to say hi...tomorrow you world could change...my husbands mum was 49 when she died of cancer, my mum has just been diagnosed, for the second time, with cancer. you never know whats around the corner, you may not like them, mine drive me mad at times, but I am sure you love them very much. try to appreciate them for what they are because tomorrow you may not have the chance...

[El-Mariachi]

In my culture, the parents normally live with the son (or one of the sons). At home, I have always lived with my grandparents, basically, my parents have never lived alone. I have a younger brother so technically my parents should live with him when older. However they both have said they would rather live alone as they know how it feels. I'd like to think than either me or my brother would look after them (or one of them if anything happens) when they need it. Old people's homes are quite taboo for us.

 

For me, getting married soon, once I move back down south, I will move in with my inlaws. It's a very traditional thing to do and I know most girls of my generation refuse to do it. However I would feel guilty to leave them by themselves.

 

Hi Spicey,

 

Are the parents meant to live with the eldest son or the youngest (from a traditional perspective) ?

[Bago]

That's already kind of dawned on me now. My father has got cancer, and it's only now that such topics were discussed. For example, my dad wish for me to look after my mother for him. It's never occurred to me that they would wish for one of their daughters to be there for them. i.e. live within close proximity. Or even in the same house. I know I've not been one of the favourite daughter for my mom. So... it brings up the question of whether it's antagonising to be nearer to her, or whether it's a good thing. She has her own friends, and her own life out there.

 

Sorry, it's just one of those topic that's been floating about in my head for days.

[spicey]

Hi Spicey,

 

Are the parents meant to live with the eldest son or the youngest (from a traditional perspective) ?

 

I think traditionally, all the sons live together and no one moves out of the family home (except the daughters who go to their inlaws). I know of that still happening, even in this country.

[ladyB]

gosh I don't know, your dads wish may be a little unrealistic if you and your ma have not got a good relationship and if she is indipendent, don't suppose she will thank you for running in and taking over,but at the same time could it be you that is setting the boundries as you do not feel like one of her favourites...is it a fact or a feeling....who knows...you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family