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The diary of Mildred Kelp -Am I being unreasonable?

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Last night my husband was very excited about something he calls The Infinite Cycle. It’s a bit like perpetual motion, he was boring his mum with this for hours (she has always pretended to be interested in his hobbies). This idea came to him whilst he was staring into his own eyes in the mirror, he asked his mum what she thought would happen if she could somehow make one eye look directly into the other one, I think my brain would explode.

 

This morning he was wondering about absorbing yourself to become a new version of who you are now and snakes shedding there skins and life-forms that reproduce on their own and astronauts living in a their spacesuits.

 

Strangely enough, I have been doing exactly the same things as your husband lately. I was feeling that I may have been going a little mad, but my brain was telling me "no, you're normal!", and that I was "just accessing my wider cosmic consciousness".

 

My wife strongly suggested I should urgently consult our local physician. So I promptly telephoned for an appointment with the man.

 

I was quite amazed that he had an available vacancy 30 mins. after my phone call to his surgery.

 

I rushed down to his office and just managed to present myself before him with a minute to spare before my appointed time.

 

I rested my unicycle on the window wall of his surgery, uncrossed my left eye and said "Hello, Doctor! Thanks for seeing me so quickly".

 

He uncrossed his right eye, we looked each other eye to eye, and he asked "Now, what is your problem?"

 

I answered the obvious way......."My wife doesn't understand me doctor".

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May 11th......

 

For years now my husband has always maintained that he didn't want to have children, but recently I feel that his natural paternal instincts have manifested themselves.

 

Last week, before I left for work I noticed that the freezer compartment of our fridge had leaked, a small pool of water had accumulated on the kitchen floor. I made a note to my husband to ask him to call the company that had sold us the fridge to diagnose what the issue was.

 

When I returned home that evening I noticed that he had wrapped a couple of towels around the bottom the fridge that he later referred to as a nappy. In the living room his mother was sat crossed legged on the carpet solemnly knitting a huge baby's bonnet that, the following day, she put it on top of the fridge. He puts a carton of milk inside it every six hours, on the dot and reads it stories before he goes to bed. The longer this goes on the harder it's going to be to convince him that the fridge is not his baby, I just don't know when or how I'm going to break the news to him.

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We need an update seriessix.

 

I've just re-read all these hilarious tales,and demand a new instalment! :hihi:

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A few months ago my husband entered into a paid voluntary research program at the Hallamshire Hospital that was investigating the benefits of regression hypnotherapy. Whilst under he mumbled on about a hat and his mothers garden but later, back at home, he seemed to think that he had somehow been connected with his pre-reincarnated origins. In fact he believed that he was once a snake in a previous life.

 

Some days later in the middle of the night I noticed a dark shadow slithering across the the bedroom floor, when I switched the light on it saw it was him, trying to get to the bathroom. After that he insisted on me putting his evening meal on the floor for him to eat which he'd consume slowly with his arms tightly by his sides. He later had his mum make a rubber mold in the shape of a rat, I then had to line this with hairs from the cat basket and then push his meals into it before I'd turn it out onto a plate. If this fury rat shaped lump wasn't to his satisfaction he'd hiss and stare at me with an emotionless blank sideways gaze.

 

His nighttime slitherings have become so annoying that his mum has made a makeshift cattle prod from an old coat hanger rigged up to the mains, at night she now fends him off with 240 volts.

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Brilliant. Take a read of this shoeshine !! :D

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I am completely hooked on Seriesix's stories. Addicted....totally addicted....

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I am completely hooked on Seriesix's stories. Addicted....totally addicted....

 

seriessix is unique! :hihi:

 

bassplayer, we're all hooked. :hihi:

 

And there isn't an antidote available either!

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Monday June 5th

 

It would seem that husband has moved on from meditation books, his new passion is Buddhism. He now seeks a simple an uncomplicated life with no ego and material desires. In response to normal conversation he replies with quotes from one of his books, things like:

 

‘Conquer the angry man by love’

 

‘Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle’

 

‘Truth is only as real as our delusion allows’

 

But his favorite is:

 

‘If you can choose you have no choice’.

 

With this quote in mind he has decided that we are only allowed one type and brand of food item in the kitchen at any given time. Like only one jar of herbs, one loaf of white bread, one can of beans. Also, if we have a tin of tomatoes in the cupboard we are not to buy fresh ones as well, and so on.

 

However, his mum very astutely pointed out that we could still make quite different meals with the same ingredients. So he drew up a meal list for the week which we were told not to deviate from.

 

Tuesday June 6th

 

During another visit to the library my husband got talking to one of the librarians who told him all about lucid dreaming. This is when you take control of your dreams and go anywhere, meet anyone and do anything, all while you sleep. I must say this does sound quite appealing as most of my dreams involve either all my teeth falling out or being back at school.

 

He says that if we both get good at it then maybe we can meet up together in our dreams on some kind of astral plane – which seems a bit unnecessary as we see each other every day.

 

Thursday June 8th

 

After four days of following his meal roster me and his mum are getting pretty bored with eating. Although this regime has made me realize that I actually enjoy cooking.

 

His mum thinks that she has lost some weight but I can’t say I’ve noticed any change. My husband has been doing his lucid dreaming exercises before going to bed. I had a kind of lucid dream last night about going out to dinner.

 

Saturday June 10th

 

After six days we have abandoned the meal roster. He says that having everything predefined so you cannot choose took away our free will – he was furious that me and his mum went along with the idea, he said he felt like his brain was in jail. But now his brain is free and he can have cheese on toast whenever he wants.

 

Monday June 12th

 

On my way back from the supermarket I noticed a huge billboard sign that was advertising a new horror film that is getting released in cinemas on Friday. I then began to wonder when me and my husband last went out to the cinema, I then began to wonder when we actually last went out anywhere together. Other people seem to go out all the time, how come we never go out?

 

Although I was not particularly interested in the film I decided that I really wanted to go and see it and made a big fuss about it when I got home. Although he didn’t agree to see the film my husband seemed to understand that we should go out on our own from time to time. Later however these assumptions were proved incorrect.

 

After I went to bed he made his mum put on a sheet with two burn holes for eyes, he then winched her up into the tree that faces our bedroom window. She then tried to make ghostly sounds as she hung there. I pretended not to notice and tried to get to sleep. In the morning I was greeted with a pentangle made from sliced gibberlets on the bathroom floor. When I asked his mum about her up the tree and the pentangle she said that he wanted to simulate a horror film for me as he doesn’t like cinemas. So it looks like we won’t be going out this weekend after all.

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Brilliant.yet again.

 

So you see, pattricia, why I no longer get involved in producing " return posts" to seriessix's contributions. Much as I try, they can only ever be a poor imitation of this writer's style.

 

The latest post is just more, utter magic from this superb writer. Oh how I wish I could develop my own skills in a similar way. :o

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So you see, pattricia, why I no longer get involved in producing " return posts" to seriessix's contributions. Much as I try, they can only ever be a poor imitation of this writer's style.

 

The latest post is just more, utter magic from this superb writer. Oh how I wish I could develop my own skills in a similar way. :o

 

Your return posts were brilliant. Just as good as seriessix(just ask her) Im sorry you havent continued.

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