Poem: 'Imperfect' - By Rebecca Bennett

[GothicCharm]

(well at least i tried to make it good lol)

 

I may be imperfect

But that's fine by me

I can't be there all the time

I can't be ok forever.

 

I'm like a snake

I crawl through life

The struggle to move

Shedding my personality

 

I try to find the right way to be

but I'm imperfect, that's fine by me

I can't be happy all the time

And that's just damn fine by me

 

I'm like a wasp

I sting if scared

I'll make you leave

I'll let you hate

 

I've tried to be who you want me to be

But I'm imperfect, that's fine by me

I'm giving up on being great

Cause I've come to find that just brings hate

 

Love me or hate me

I don't give a damn

Because to be honest

I'm not your biggest fan

[shoeshine]

I like the "it's fine by me"......you use to effect in rejecting someone else's contrary thoughts.

 

The third verse.....an idea.....change the 4th line to "And that's just damn fine by me" to emphasise the "angry" inference towards the person you are aiming your anger at, and maintain your rebellion at that person's argument.

 

I don't like the "marmite" reference in the last verse...although I know it fits in with "like it or hate it". It doesn't work. You need to rework that final verse.

 

Your final sentence to end the poem needs to be, emphatically.....AND THAT'S FINE BY ME!.............you are very angry during this poem, and you get angrier and angrier to a climax of anger in the final line.

 

Hope that helps. (PS it's only a personal opinion, by the way. Others may differ on these points.)

[GothicCharm]

Yeah I know I need to rework it cause each time I read it the worse it sounds.

 

thanks for your opinion.

 

I shall change those bits . x

[Lotti]

Yo sis ( )

 

I'd have to agree with Shoeshine, on a lot of his comments.

 

First, I know what you're trying to do - it's great, shows you listen to me

 

I like the experimenting and making the rhyme imperfect to mirror the imperfection of the character.

 

I like the growing anger, but as Shoeshine says, the last stanza needs reworking. It's a bit of a let down (no offense!) because you've built up and built up and then it seems like you're stepping down at the end.

 

You want the 'that's fine by me' in the last line because its repeated throughout and is obviously significant.

 

Love the nature imagery, giving significance to the fact that they won't change for people, they are how nature made them.

 

I'd take a look at the last line of the first stanza, not sure what to change it to but because of all the fantastic language used throughout 'I can't be ok forever' is a bit too informal for my liking

 

Love the 4th stanza! (very you )

 

Not sure why we suddenly have an AABB rhyme structure in stanza 5 A bit too uniformed after this whole imperfect poem. However - just my opinion.

 

And again, don't like the exophoric reference to marmite in the last stanza... doesn't work unfortunately.

 

Great work! I'm only being picky because I know you want me to be

[GothicCharm]

i only said about marmite because i couldnt think of anything else and didnt want to post an unfinished piece lol. I'm trying to think of a new thingy but its not happening.

[Lotti]

Love me or hate me

I won't be something I'm not

If you don't like the real me

Well that's just fine by me

 

Just a suggestion, depends if you want the rhyming 'me' on the end

[shoeshine]

Maybe change the word "that's" to "that is" in the final line to balance the meter of the line.

 

e.g "Well that is just fine by me!

 

I'm no poet, by the way.

[GothicCharm]

How's the last thingy?