Advice needed on family matters please.

[peardrops]

I am married with 2 children aged 7 and 8 years old. My hubby (their dad) was married previously and had a child who he hasn't had any regular contact with since 2 years before we even met. She did come back into our lives when I was pregnant with my first child, but left it again after only 2 months.

 

We have no idea where in the country she lives or anything but there are enough people who know where we live if she wants to come back again.

 

However, my kids have no idea that they have a half-sister as hubby has no contact with anyone on his side of the family and the kids don't know any of them. His mum who was the one who kept the family together died when my eldest was 9 months old and I was 3 months pregnant with my youngest.

 

It seemed just so complicated to try and explain who people were to them if they had no chance of meeting them.

 

However, I know that they will have to be told about their half-sister but wondered when is the best time to do this. My kids only realised this year when at their Uncle Stephen's 40th birthday party that Uncle Stephen was actually my brother!!! They were gob smacked when they realised this!!!

 

What sort of age should I tell them and how do I tell them if there isn't a physical person I can show them???

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Pear

[Hels]

I remember trying to explain to my sisters children that their mum's mum (grandma) is also my mum! They didn't realise the connection at the time because they'd never seen me with their grandma. Children don't realise the different connections until they are explained, they tend to accept a lot of things quite easily without question.

 

Probably one way to help explain it is to draw up a fairly simple family tree as this will help put things into context for them. It's easier when they are still quite young to have the family tree illustrated with pictures. You could just introduce it as part of general talk time and then gradually as they get older they will probably ask questions which you can answer as appropriate to their age and understanding. That way it's something they've grown up with and not come as a shock at an inappropriate time.

 

Hope this is of some help

[nanrobbo]

Maybe it would be better to wait a couple of years to tell them; and then be fairly casual, don't make a drama about it. When my youngest granddaughter was 7 I took it upon myself to explain that her Dad's new child was her half sister (he'd married again) and she was terribly upset and cried "No she IS my sister", and I felt awful and realised my mistake. Her Mum- my daughter was furious with me for a while.

Not suggesting you hide the fact, just wait for the right time.

[Moonbird]

Myself i think that things like that are better just being common knowledge from as soon as possible talk about the person fondly and don't make a big thing of it, children are very adaptable and it seems better that way to me than a big shock when they either find out/person turns up, or are told.

Good luck with it, i'm sure you will do the right thing.

[hmr44]

I haven't seen my dad since I was about 12, his decision, not mine - but I am much better of without him!

 

I don't have a clue where he is. I had to find out he was married from a school friend and my mum found out they had a baby from her hairdresser. So I have a little half sister somewhere and I'll never get the chance to see her. It really hurts when I think about it too much but I've learnt not to be bothered and I don't even think about it now at all!

 

Tell them now, if you leave it any later they'll wonder why you didn't tell them before. Just sit them down and tell them, they're old enough to understand.

 

Good luck!

[medusa]

I think now might be a good time to introduce them to the concept of a family tree, and start making one with them, so they can explore who's related to who. You could couple this with fetching out old family photos and talking them through who's who and allowing them to set it all straight in their own minds. Maybe it's the sort of thing you could do as an activity for a weekend?

 

I'm sure you'll find that there will be loads of questions at first about why people are no longer together and why some people don't see others, but once it's all settled and they have all of their questions answered they'll have the family tree to look back at, and to add to when you find out more information about other family members, or when people marry or have children.

 

If you make the discoveries fun and interesting for them then I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think.

[Twiglet]

I think it's definitely best to get them used to the idea as soon as possible. As they are 7 and 8, if you leave it much longer I think they may be very upset and feel that you have been hiding it from them. They also might feel that it's some kind of secret and that there must be a reason you've not told them, that you don't like talking about it and they may permanently attach some kind of stigma to their half sister.

[yummyyumyum]

i have a 4 year old and i cant believe that children of 7 and 8 dont understand the concept of family.

my daughter has been taught not only by myself but at her nursery how a family are related.

she too had a step brother, who sadly died before she was born but i strongly believe she has the right to know about him,, she DOES understand that she had a step brother because her and my hubbies son share the same daddy.

she also understands that her nan and grandads are mummy and daddies parents and that our siblins are her aunties/uncles etc.

i believe that it is in the best interest of the children to let them know asap thier family make-up.

[WallBuilder]

I know I've got a half brother and a half sister with two different mothers and don't recollect being actually told about either of them. I just knew that daddy [who had left home] had girlfriends and they hjad kids.

My main problem was that when I was about nineteen I met or rather saw my half sister who would of been about fifteen and thought 'cor'!!!

Luckily she'd got an unusual name and still lived in a fairly distinctive looking house that I remembered my dad taking me to when I was very young.

The girl in question was standing outside the house talking to a friend as I walked past hence I heard the name. Long dark hair and interested in rock music just the sort of girl to get my attention back then and although I never saw her in any of the rock pubs or clubs I shudder to think what could of happened.

[cloudybay]

i have a 4 year old and i cant believe that children of 7 and 8 dont understand the concept of family.

my daughter has been taught not only by myself but at her nursery how a family are related.

she too had a step brother, who sadly died before she was born but i strongly believe she has the right to know about him,, she DOES understand that she had a step brother because her and my hubbies son share the same daddy.

she also understands that her nan and grandads are mummy and daddies parents and that our siblins are her aunties/uncles etc.

i believe that it is in the best interest of the children to let them know asap thier family make-up.

 

Quite. If I could only ever give on piece of advice, it would be never lie to a child about something this serious . Children never forget and have the right to know. The sooner you tell them the easier it is. Think about it............parents go through life persuading their offspring that telling lies is a bad thing............yet sometimes swallow their own hypocrisy by using the veil of deceit as an excuse for protecting their children's 'best interest'. Take it from me, tell the truth as a lie is a lie. If you choose to ignore this, they could well end up hating you. Don't risk it.