Lotti Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Chest tightens, stomach turns Screams unheard, face burns Pleas ignored, held down tight Try to plead, try to fight Blows are caught, counteracted Laid out flat, strength is hampered Too many, six on one Not a chance of getting gone A kind voice, gentle words No better, only worse Reassurance at it’s best Won’t resolve this awful mess A needle here, ends the pain As it enters through the vein Vision blurs, breathing slows Strength disperses, exhaustion grows An overwhelming sense of calm The sweat drips from my clammy palm Everything grows dark and cold The dreams I dare to dream are bold But to awake and then to find The needle wasn’t oh so kind The pain is there, the memory I didn’t die, but I’ll not be free. Yes, my full name is Charlotte Bennett! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Yes, my full name is Charlotte Bennett! After that poem I was thinking "Gordan Bennett....." Only Joking Lotti, nice poem but the last stanza is a little bit unclear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lotti Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 Thanks Mantaspook The whole lots is a bit unclear really, as the narrator is unclear of what goes on throughout the lot. I'll take a look at the last stanza though, to me who knows what I'm trying to say, it's awkward! Thanks for the feedback Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lotti Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 Can't edit it for some reason... Last stanza changed to: But to awake and then to find The needle wasn’t oh so kind The pain still there, the memory From that I know I’ll not be free. Conveys the feeling better I think... what do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 Hey that’s a lot better Lotti, the reason for the (attack?) (medical procedure?) is still nebulous but I think that’s the intention of the poem, the original last stanza was a bit puzzling and raised the unresolved question “Why’d they want to die?” The new stanza flows better and doesn’t raise that question, however the title “A violation” implies some sort of attack? Vague but interesting….. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 What a clever but poignant poem Lotti.....and with the advice from mantaspook.....it works perfectly now Excellent work! Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lotti Posted September 17, 2006 Author Share Posted September 17, 2006 Thanks guys It won't save my edit on the original poem Mantaspook - yes, the idea is to be vague as the memory is vague. The last stanza wasn't so much to do with wanting to die, it was a relief that they hadn't died but then realisation that they wouldn't be free from the memory (if you get my gist?) But yes, I prefer it as it is now, just wish I could alter the original text!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted September 17, 2006 Share Posted September 17, 2006 Thanks guys It won't save my edit on the original poem Mantaspook - yes, the idea is to be vague as the memory is vague. The last stanza wasn't so much to do with wanting to die, it was a relief that they hadn't died but then realisation that they wouldn't be free from the memory (if you get my gist?) But yes, I prefer it as it is now, just wish I could alter the original text!! I could edit it for you Lotti, but to do so would make Mantaspook's critique, and your responses to it somewhat difficult to understand to other readers. May I suggest to you that the thread works better as it stands at present. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lotti Posted September 17, 2006 Author Share Posted September 17, 2006 Thanks Shoeshine, just thought it was easier for people to read the finished product straight off No problem - as long as we have the whole thing now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Hi Lotti, It must be me But my mind rhymes, ”Memory” with “emery.” But if you knock it down a line It suddenly turns to MEM-O-REE It makes the poem flow better And then it rhymes with “free” See below: But to awake and then to find The needle wasn’t oh so kind The pain still there, the memory, <----comma adds pause in right place From that I know I’ll not be free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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