Story: 'The Preskot Protocol.'

[Mantaspook]

Not all horror stories are full of ghosties and ghoulies and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.

 

Sometimes it’s a lot worse.

 

All feedback gratefully received, but I’ll be particularly interested to see what the ‘Forum Technophobe’ makes of The Preskot Protocol.

 

PS. All characters are fictional; any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. Honest.

[Gypsy Hack]

It was very well handled, and I enjoyed it, even laughed out loud at one of the humourous moments. Unfortunately though, the idea (don't get me wrong, I've no doubt you've come up with it independently) has been done before. I wrote an essay on a story very similar to this for my GCSE coursework.

 

For what it's worth though, I think you've arguably done a better job.

[Gypsy Hack]

Incidentally, I think it may be worth trying to fit the cigarette-buying section in again. I'd remove the last line though, the bit about 'a speck of grit' isn't necessary. Just leave it at 'Just take them'.

[pattricia]

Keep getting a message up saying : Microsoft word 97 conversion.

 

Unable to unload graphics conversion filter. Continue with document conversion ? Yes or No. I ve clicked "No" for the time being as I dont know what it means.

[Mantaspook]

You’re right Gypsy Hack, I had a strong feeling of Déjà vu when I wrote this so I think this idea has been done before, I don’t remember reading it so I suspect a subliminal episode of the Twilight Zone…. Any aficionados out there care to confirm this?

 

I thought the cigarette buying section was too good to just delete but nevertheless it seemed to ‘over egg the pudding’ - like you say, a cut down version may enable it to slot back in without pre-empting the ending.

 

I forgot to mention I’ve inserted one small graphical image into the story that may be causing Pattricia’s problem, just hit “yes” to the document conversion and it should let the text through. If you see the picture let me know as this has a bearing on a part graphical story I’m thinking of writing.

[shoeshine]

I really enjoyed reading that Mantaspook.......and how well presented for easy reading from the display screen here.

 

A quirky, mischievous title, well chosen and I liked the hand-written effect and the seeming "signature" of the other seemingly well-known politician of our times.

 

I enjoy your work each time you place it on here.

 

I think your decision to cut out the part described in your footnote was the correct one, taken for the right reasons.

[Jabberwocky]

Im sure theres a Heinlein story thats similar to this. The kid has to pass a basic intelligence test or its terminated.

This is still different enough to be a good story in its own right though and although it parralells the ?Heinlein story its still not the same.

I liked it.

[Gypsy Hack]

I can't for the life of me remember the author or title Mantaspook, but I read a story with similar ending, similar truth serum idea, similar testing in the car on the way, in my GSCE English folder circa 1998-1999. I compared it with another story about a Britain in which burglary has become institutionalised.

 

edit: the problem with the cigarette section was not so much that it pre-empted the ending (the poignancy of the scene was enough to suggest a possible upcoming tragedy), but that it reveals too much of the character's emotions. In these situations, less is generally more. It is best to let the reader envisage the character's reactions to these situations for themselves. There is no need to tell us that he is crying.

[pattricia]

Its OK, I finally clicked on and got through to your story.Thanks for PM