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Dear Forum. Relationship With An Alcoholic

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I’m in a relationship with  a person who is an alcoholic but when I met this person they had stopped drinking but have now resumed drinking again. They have been disowned by their family and as a result of this they have tried taking their own life recently . My dilemma is should I stick with this person or should I move on as they won’t get the help they need to stop?

Edited by Dear Forum...
typo

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Personally I would run away and don’t look back.

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2 hours ago, Dear Forum... said:

I’m in a relationship with  a person who is an alcoholic but when I met this person they had stopped drinking but have now resumed drinking again. They have been disowned by their family and as a result of this they have tried taking their own life recently . My dilemma is should I stick with this person or should I move on as they won’t get the help they need to stop?

One school of thought is that by remaining with them, you are helping them to continue their self destructive behaviour - ''enabling'' them. From personal experience of living with a destructive drinker I can say that waiting around hoping they'll stop is a waste of time and energy. Alcoholics and other addicts will only stop when they're ready and often this point comes when they've reached 'rock bottom'.

        Perhaps you fear another suicide attempt? Easy for me to say, but don't let this stop you from doing what you must; living with an alcoholic is miserable and soul destroying. My advice would be to tell them that you cannot be with them while they're still drinking, mean it, and stick to it. It's hard, but remember what I said about 'rock bottom'? You may be the reason they've not reached it yet. Ultimately, only the alcoholic can make the choice to stop, regardless of what you say and do and there's a time to put your own needs first.

Good luck.

 

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How you feel and how we feel as outsiders will be different.

 

Unfortunately we had first hand experience of exactly your scenario,my daughter divorced him and they both moved on with  life. He never changed even with a new family and wife.

 

 

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You would need good reasons to stay in this relationship. Are you worried that if you left him he would try to commit suicide again, particularly as he lacks support due to rejection by his family?  Are you optimistic that having given up alcohol once he can do it again? Have you considered contacting  Al-Anon UK or other support group? 

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As no one knows me personally on here or at least I dont think anyone dose I feel I can be honest. Ive really been through the mill this last few years and as a result of this and a few other issues Ive been left with a bit of a drink problem I am trying to tackle.

The GP is not much help, my extended family is non existent and so the loneliness of my predicament helps fuel the feeling that I need a drink.

I would like to say that I wish I had someone who obviously cares so deeply in my corner.

Do what you feel you must but dont be rash and then live to regret your decision by feeling later down the road you could have been more help than you were.

Good luck with what ever you choose.

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3 hours ago, willman said:

How you feel and how we feel as outsiders will be different.

^^ this.

 

Also, consider that you know the full in's and out's of your situation a whole lot better than anyone here does, so you’re in a better position to make a more informed decision on the best way forward.

 

Part of me is thinking, no one is under any obligation to diminish or harm themselves by way of trying to help another, or prevent another from self-indulgent self-harm.

 

I guess people do do that though, perhaps they feel that’s what being a good human being is all about, that it’s somehow wrong to abandon people in need, even when helping is harming the person offering the help.

 

On the other hand, how much do you genuinely love this other person, and are you in a position to actually help them to turn things around? What’s the beat possible help this person can get, are they willing to ask for and accept (or just accept) such help?

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Edited by Waldo

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3 hours ago, Halibut said:

One school of thought is that by remaining with them, you are helping them to continue their self destructive behaviour - ''enabling'' them. From personal experience of living with a destructive drinker I can say that waiting around hoping they'll stop is a waste of time and energy. Alcoholics and other addicts will only stop when they're ready and often this point comes when they've reached 'rock bottom'.

        Perhaps you fear another suicide attempt? Easy for me to say, but don't let this stop you from doing what you must; living with an alcoholic is miserable and soul destroying. My advice would be to tell them that you cannot be with them while they're still drinking, mean it, and stick to it. It's hard, but remember what I said about 'rock bottom'? You may be the reason they've not reached it yet. Ultimately, only the alcoholic can make the choice to stop, regardless of what you say and do and there's a time to put your own needs first.

Good luck.

 

I completly agree with your post and good advice.

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You certainly find out who REALLY cares when you're down,in my case its down to the professionals and not family or friends or colleagues,after all who wants to listen to a moaner? Its a subject that is so personal and difficult to discuss or explain.Please try and see YOUR GP and get them to refer your person for therapy. Google will help you find areas that may help too?My situation has been on going for nearly 30 years,and I've had "you should be used to it by now" and "stop acting like a child" and " I don't know how you carry on" and "will you stay with your wife because she's so ill?"

Let the professionals  get a handle on your situation ,that's what they do and will surely help.

I though I was going mad,they helped me to understand that I'm suffering from " unresolved grief" due to my wifes continual progressive illness even though there's no way out for her,we've been married 41 years and I miss all simple things we ever did but can't do now.

Perhaps your person is hiding something in them that is so deep rooted from long ago? 

Let the professionals help ,hopefully you'll see the person being happy 

Good luck

x

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Fat people get even fatter when people around them help their habit by feeding them. You must have been thinking about this for some time before asking publicly for others peoples opinions and experiences. Some people can be helped but some people cannot, they are on course for self destruction  and without thought for those around them.

 

It is very sad to watch someone you love fall apart so cut the ties and remember them as the loving person you remember. 

 

 

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They don't even need to go to the gp

 

www.sheffielddact.org.uk/drugs-alcohol

 

Alcohol Service 0114 305 0500

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8 hours ago, *Wallace* said:

Personally I would run away and don’t look back.

Do this, leg it.

They've fallen back into old habits, which isn't a great sign that they have the willpower to turn things around for good.

 

Even if they clean up their act it might very well happen again.

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