Family Pickle

[Waj 0]

Recently i mentioned on a thread I had a family bereavement. It was an extended family member, someone I have not seen in a while and obviously its very sad but as a result of the passing  a more pressing family issue has reared its head so I would like to pick your brains if it could? 

Here is the scenario. 3 kids whos parents divorced last year have not seen one of their parents for exactly 12 months now. They desperately want to see the parent and have tried every means possible to make this happen but with no luck. I was asked to try and I did but with the same result. In my view this person has just washed their hands of their kids and moved on in life.

How on earth do I tell this to 3 kids who are missing a big part of their family and obviously miserable about the situation but tell them in a way that wont make matters worse?

Do I even tell them and instead hope the matter resolves itself or they just move on with life themselves?

Im not good at this sort of thing if im honest so any advice would be useful. Also if anyone has any questions as I realise ive given only the bare minimum of information in my opening post, ill be happy to answer.

[Top Cats Hat 10]

I think that knowing the ages of the kids would be a good start.

[Halibut 12]

Be honest with the children regardless of their ages; children aren't fools and they know when somethings wrong. Tell them something like 'Dad's* gone away and he doesn't want to see you at the moment; I don't know if he'll come back, but Mum and x, y and z love you very much and aren't going anywhere'. It may seem blunt, but I think it's a damn sight better than feeding them lies or fairytales'

 

* bet it's their dad and not their Mum.

[El Cid 220]

3 minutes ago, Halibut said:

Be honest with the children regardless of their ages; children aren't fools and they know when somethings wrong. Tell them something like 'Dad's* gone away and he doesn't want to see you at the moment; I don't know if he'll come back, but Mum and x, y and z love you very much and aren't going anywhere'. It may seem blunt, but I think it's a damn sight better than feeding them lies or fairytales'

Be honest, 'Dads gone away is not being honest'.

 

Your parent is addicted to drugs and many parents that are addicted to drugs do not think in a rational way?

[Halibut 12]

8 minutes ago, El Cid said:

Be honest, 'Dads gone away is not being honest'.

 

Your parent is addicted to drugs and many parents that are addicted to drugs do not think in a rational way?

He hasn't seen them for a year. He's not present. He's away.

There's no indication whatsoever that the absent parent is taking drugs - you just made that up.

And you've got the brass neck to try and call me out for being dishonest?

Give your head a wobble.

[El Cid 220]

15 minutes ago, Halibut said:

He hasn't seen them for a year. He's not present. He's away.

There's no indication whatsoever that the absent parent is taking drugs - you just made that up.

And you've got the brass neck to try and call me out for being dishonest?

Give your head a wobble.

I am just making a suggestion, I dont know the facts. The child needs a positive explanation, I cannot immagine a senario in which a parent does not see 3 children, unless that parent has severe issues.

[bendix 10]

It’s interesting that everyone has automatically assumed the absent parent is the father.  The OP very consciously avoided any indication of that. 

[Halibut 12]

1 hour ago, bendix said:

It’s interesting that everyone has automatically assumed the absent parent is the father.  The OP very consciously avoided any indication of that. 

I'd lay a tenner it is. Men are much more likely to leave their kids than women.

[Waj 0]

10 hours ago, Top Cats Hat said:

I think that knowing the ages of the kids would be a good start.

Good point. They are between the ages of 10 and 13.

[Waj 0]

9 hours ago, Halibut said:

Be honest with the children regardless of their ages; children aren't fools and they know when somethings wrong. Tell them something like 'Dad's* gone away and he doesn't want to see you at the moment; I don't know if he'll come back, but Mum and x, y and z love you very much and aren't going anywhere'. It may seem blunt, but I think it's a damn sight better than feeding them lies or fairytales'

 

* bet it's their dad and not their Mum.

You are probably right. The more I think about it the more I think just being upfront about the situation would be best. I'm really not looking forward to that conversation if I'm totally honest.

Its the Mum by the way. I think that's why I'm having such trouble wrapping my head around the whole situation. Its just not something you expect a Mum to do.

Thanks for your advice. Its very much appreciated.

[Waj 0]

3 hours ago, bendix said:

It’s interesting that everyone has automatically assumed the absent parent is the father.  The OP very consciously avoided any indication of that. 

Yeah I did that to avoid any possible chance of identification if anyone who knows our family posts on here but thinking about it thats probably a non issue as I have since spoken to pretty much all the family about it in the hope they can offer a solution.

[JamesR123 0]

Be careful about being too honest.  Situations like this are very complicated, whereas children tend to simplify things.

 

A 10 year old will not be able to understand, for example, that there may be mental health issues involved, they will just see rejection.