Dear Forum.. how do you cope with the feelings when an abuser dies?

[Dear Forum... 10]

Dear forum...

 

I found out today that a family member of mine has passed away. I stopped calling them family a while ago now...

 

Anyway...this family member hurt me and a lot of people around me when I was a child...I have 100 different emotions I am currently feeling but most of it is things like.. relief...about time...but in a way I feel I'm grieving..I feel like this is closure finally..

 

But some of my family feel I'm being heartless because I am not as upset as they are, and I'm getting judged by them and feeling very stressed about it.

 

What do I do now? How do you react to this sort of thing?

[Waldo 96]

I wonder if these judgemental family members had also experienced the same kind of abuse from this individual, or not? If they had, you'd expect them to be more understanding; if not, are they truly aware of how it's impacted on you?

 

I'd be tempted to think, they should be made aware of the full impact of what happened to you; and how that's helping to shape your response the their death.

 

If people don't want to understand that; I'd be more inclined to spend my time and energy with other family members and friends who are more understanding.

 

Also, maybe don't feel wrong or bad because of how you feel. Also, don't go out of your way to intentionally harbour negative or harmful feelings towards anybody; having such negative feelings, will probably only hurt you more than the target of those feelings.

 

Focus on yourself, and the people around you who are understanding and supportive; hope some of that helps, hope you find peace.

[mort 10]

When somebody who has hurt you dies then of course you feel a mixture of emotions. Nobody has the right to judge you on what you feel or don't feel. Not feeling upset that a person who abused you is dead and now can't go on to abuse others is perfectly understandable. Other people may have a different view of the person and that too is fine but it doesn't give them the right to pressure you about what you feel. If your family are this unsupportive of you then I would suggest that their lack of understanding that is the problem rather than any lack in yourself.

Don't feel that you must comply with the expectations of your family. As you say this is closure and now you can finally move on.

[medusa 16]

Whenever someone we know dies there are a whole selection of emotions brought up in us all, some of which seemingly contradict each other, and they're all valid, just fine and completely normal.

 

Even when this is someone for whom we feel nothing but love, the emotions we feel are likely to include sadness, loss, anger (for leaving us or at the way that the death happened), injustice, fear (of what the future will bring without them), defiance and a selection of other things.

 

When there are such complicated and conflicting emotions about the person at all as you must feel about this person, one would imagine that the number of emotions would multiply accordingly. They are all just fine, and your family should be ashamed of themselves for judging you in this way.

 

They are entitled to their feelings, but so are you. Hold your head up high safe in the knowledge that they can no longer hurt anybody else, and feel whatever is natural to you, whether that is relief or sadness. It's perfectly normal to grieve for a family member, even if that family member was abusive towards you, because they did start out as a family member to whom you looked up and who you were taught from a very early age to respect. Feeling sad doesn't mean that what happened was right, nor does it mean that there is anything wrong with also feeling relieved at the same time.

 

As for what you do now, the answer to that may be that you do nothing at all. I wouldn't choose to attend a funeral if it didn't feel right to me, so don't allow your family to guilt you into it if you would rather stay away. There is no right and wrong here, apart from it being utterly and completely wrong to have used your trust to harm you when you were younger.

[hyper 10]

Now is not the time to bring to light the deceased wrongdoings, especially to those who are unaware of his behaviour and may have loved him. Maybe at some point in the future, but not now. You will be stirring an emotional bomb.

 

If you love the rest of the family and have no wish to fall out with them, say nothing other than you are able to cope better than most, so don't get as emotional they might expect them to. Agree to go to the funeral etc and if you don't want to, fake illness on the day.

 

In many ways, my approach is the cowards way out, but you need to maintain diplomacy in the immediate term, not screw up other members of the family and you certainly don't want to create divisions.

 

The true tale can be told after everything is settled.

 

just my tuppence

[PeteMorris 10]

Dear forum...

 

I found out today that a family member of mine has passed away. I stopped calling them family a while ago now...

 

Anyway...this family member hurt me and a lot of people around me when I was a child...I have 100 different emotions I am currently feeling but most of it is things like.. relief...about time...but in a way I feel I'm grieving..I feel like this is closure finally..

 

But some of my family feel I'm being heartless because I am not as upset as they are, and I'm getting judged by them and feeling very stressed about it.

 

What do I do now? How do you react to this sort of thing?

 

Nobody on the planet is able to 'judge' you or how you feel. We all have our own 'tinpot' way of dealing with things. It's very personal, and unique to 'you'...Nobody else! There's absolutely no need to beat yourself up about how they 'expect' you to behave or deal with the emotions you feel.

 

I've had 'issues' in my family, to do with bereavement, and I've dealt with it in my own way, and I don't really care what was expected of me. I'm 'me' and nobody can change that!

[sgtkate 10]

Nobody on the planet is able to 'judge' you or how you feel. We all have our own 'tinpot' way of dealing with things. It's very personal, and unique to 'you'...Nobody else! There's absolutely no need to beat yourself up about how they 'expect' you to behave or deal with the emotions you feel.

 

I've had 'issues' in my family, to do with bereavement, and I've dealt with it in my own way, and I don't really care what was expected of me. I'm 'me' and nobody can change that!

 

Absolutely Pete, while nothing compared to the situation you are in, when my mum died I couldn't cry for some reason and to an outsider I might have looked like I wasn't upset at all, when I was probably just trying to keep it together for my Dad.

 

There is no right or wrong way to feel or be when someone dies.

[Chelle-82 10]

Dear forum...

 

I found out today that a family member of mine has passed away. I stopped calling them family a while ago now...

 

Anyway...this family member hurt me and a lot of people around me when I was a child...I have 100 different emotions I am currently feeling but most of it is things like.. relief...about time...but in a way I feel I'm grieving..I feel like this is closure finally..

 

But some of my family feel I'm being heartless because I am not as upset as they are, and I'm getting judged by them and feeling very stressed about it.

 

What do I do now? How do you react to this sort of thing?

 

If I was you I wouldn't even think about! You didn't like him, the guys died, you've got mixed emotions and that's normal so don't give it any more thought.. Doesn't make you a bad person for feeling that way.

 

BUT what I wouldn't do is speak ill of him in front of others that thought good of him, that won't do you or anyone else any favours..

[spilldig 188]

If I was you I wouldn't even think about! You didn't like him, the guys died, you've got mixed emotions and that's normal so don't give it any more thought.. Doesn't make you a bad person for feeling that way.

 

BUT what I wouldn't do is speak ill of him in front of others that thought good of him, that won't do you or anyone else any favours..

 

Well I was going to add something, but this post sums it up brilliantly, I would say.

[tinfoilhat 11]

Absolutely Pete, while nothing compared to the situation you are in, when my mum died I couldn't cry for some reason and to an outsider I might have looked like I wasn't upset at all, when I was probably just trying to keep it together for my Dad.

 

There is no right or wrong way to feel or be when someone dies.

 

Totally correct. And even then, how you feel now might differ in weeks or months.

[Hesther 10]

I think it might be useful to talk things through with someone. Perhaps a total outsider. The forum is useful for this sort of thing, especially with so many caring contributors, like the ones above.

 

It is not uncommon to feel relief when an abuser dies. An internet search reveals that....

 

https://www.google.co.uk/?gfe_rd=cr&ei=KDahVp3bCfDH8gey9aXQDA&gws_rd=ssl#q=when+an+abuser+dies

 

I would be tempted maybe to contact one of the charitable organisations that might help discuss your feeling with you, either over the phone or face to face.

[wornout53 10]

I have been in a similar situation.......my abuser died and I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. No one can tell you how to feel because they are not in your shoes.

Take each day as it comes...don't try to over analyse how you feel and don't listen to how others say you should feel/ act .

The emotions you will go through will range from relief to grief and back again. I found that after a few months my brain sorted itself out and I could see that for me it was a type of closure....a chance to put the abuse where it belonged...in the past. Find someone you can talk to.....someone you can be honest with be it a friend, family member or a counselor and talk about it all.

I wish you the very best now and as you work your way through things.