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Birthday Greetings

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Surely it can’t be that hard

to find an appropriate card

but why in this shop do I see

so little for little old me?

This limitless choice is terrific

but some are just too damn specific.

 

You can find in these wide-ranging aisles:

To my Step Brother Over the Miles,

To my Grand Nephew over the Sea,

You’re Just Like a Mother to Me,

So Happy to Hear That You’re Wed!

but Sorry Your Dog is now Dead.

 

If your dad has begun a new life

and run off with your trashy ex-wife,

there’s a card for the tough moment when

you decide that you’re talking again.

 

If your Grandpa is banged up inside

‘cos he strangled his mail order bride,

there’s a verse that can neatly convey

what you think you are trying to say.

 

If someone you once knew as Jack

who had changed to a Jill but switched back

has a baby with someone called Butch,

there’s a message that covers that much.

 

If someone you didn’t expect

joins a infamous middle east sect

there’s a leaving card here on the shelf

saying Good Riddance, Go **** Yourself.

 

Why can’t people just be

Normal like me?

My life is not

an Eastenders’ plot.

I just want to pop

into a shop

for a card to say

Happy Birthday

without soppiness or sloppiness

without over-sensitivity

or laboured inclusivity.

No post-modern funnies

or cutesy effing bunnies.

 

I don’t want to browse

like some big girl’s blouse,

just leaf through one or two

then mutter… That’ll do.

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