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My 15 yr old has run away

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Yes you're right I suppose, there isn't a right or wrong answer...I just know my option works too, and it doesn't take too long for it to dawn on the teenager exactly where her bread is buttered.

 

Plus my option gives the best chance of reconciliation, as you've been so helpful and so nice, and said everything with a smile! Whereas, your option, there will only be even more conflict with laying the law down and being even more (in the eyes of the teen) of a tyrant!

 

How long?...Well, there's another unanswerable question. As long as it takes!. Yes I know that sounds wishy-washy..But it's true.

 

I don't disagree with you assessment but, seriously, how spoilt are our children when they think it is tyrannical for a parent to not provide sufficient free designer clothes, mobile phones, computers and wifi or to set rules aimed at balancing play and work in a crucial GCSE year?!?

 

I'm afraid that I lack the patience to pander to it and no doubt my daughter does think I am a bit of a tyrant because of it. That said, she now knows where the line is and, having tasted the consequences of crossing it, deftly toes it instead of overstepping it! I do not doubt that your less confrontational approach might have achieved the same outcome but you have to have the right temperament in order to pull it off. My temperament is better suited to delivery of a short, sharp shock treatment!

 

Anyway, good luck again to El Cid and let us know how things pan out.

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I don't disagree with you assessment but, seriously, how spoilt are our children when they think it is tyrannical for a parent to not provide sufficient free designer clothes, mobile phones, computers and wifi or to set rules aimed at balancing play and work in a crucial GCSE year?!?

 

I'm afraid that I lack the patience to pander to it and no doubt my daughter does think I am a bit of a tyrant because of it. That said, she now knows where the line is and, having tasted the consequences of crossing it, deftly toes it instead of overstepping it! I do not doubt that your less confrontational approach might have achieved the same outcome but you have to have the right temperament in order to pull it off. My temperament is better suited to delivery of a short, sharp shock treatment!

 

Anyway, good luck again to El Cid and let us know how things pan out.

 

Yes I entirely agree with the yooot of today. They have far bigger expectation of what they perceive as normality in their right to have this that AND the other!...haha

 

Many years ago, I used to foster 'problem' (or as social services would term teenagers with problems) teenagers for the local social services. We had all sorts of youngsters coming into our home, and we already had 4 kids and 2 dogs...haha...So it was a bit hectic to say the least.

 

These teens we had were coached by the social services, in what we could and couldn't do, and what we could and couldn't say.

 

I remember one 16 year old lad, who had unfortunately not lasted in any foster home, because he wouldn't stick to the rules. He came as an emergency.

 

I remember his coming in time was 10:30 I think. He didn't think this applied to him and sometimes would stroll back at midnight and beyond. It was policy at that time, we had to report it to the police as a missing person. This in itself was a nightmare, because they knew him, they didn't bother to respond straight away..So it could be anything up to 4:00am in the morning, before we had a knock at the door. They would (as protocol provided), search the house to make sure he wasn't hiding in the house...

 

Anyway, he was a nightmare to control. He wasn't dense or anything, in fact he was very bright.....he just didn't like following rules.

 

So we had a chat...Or rather I did. I explained to him, that as I was working at the time, and had to be up for work each morning, how much of a nightmare it was to go through the circus of informing the police and waiting for them to come...etc...etc....He said he had no idea this happened! We made a deal there and then, that if he missed his coming in time, we would lock up and 'assume' he was not coming home that night, and was stopping with a friend. This would save us the bother of informing the police, and he needn't worry about getting back in time. That was the deal.

 

What happened?....He was never late again!....He stayed with us for six months or so, before he went back to his parents.

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Speculating how many hours a day that El Cid may or may not spend on this forum isn't going to help him get this daughter back. Nor is the baiting that has been going off in this thread on said speculation.

 

It is to cease immediately.

 

I believe I caught all the posts (some replies has been removed so they don't look out of place)

Edited by Groose

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El Cid, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. My daughter was a lot like this at 15 and 16 years old. It was a nightmare, just constant attitude and fall outs.

A lot of the time with teenage girls their hormones are all over the shop and they can be unpredictable to say the least. Also it depends who they hook up with at school, good or not so good, and many other things.

 

Anyway my daughter is now 26, married to a good lad and she has a decent job - most importantly, we all get along now. So things can change and I hope they do for you. If not immediately then all you can do is to be there for her if and when.

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Prior to getting our daughter a mobile - she s now 14, I made it clear that I would not be topping it up and until she s 18 and I as her parent am in my rights to check this phone whenever I want to, which is most nights.

 

She lived with her mother up to the age of 12, she got her a mobile when she was 5.

Unheard of back then, I was not pleased, but these days kids get mobiles at a very young age.

I do not pay for her contract, she pays via her spending money, which she used to get; or from the money she earns working at her Saturday job.

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Reading it bakwards, then am sire you have lots of good advice. Just be careful not to push her away so much that she really does run away.

 

Looking at your posts, it says you want to control her phone usage?

If shes paying for it, then why are you bothered? If she does her chores and homework, then isnt that enough? Do you think its unhealthy and rather she got exercise or went out to play? Perhaps you underestimate how important access to her phone and friends are? Van either of uoi see the others point of view?

 

I accept you cant be blackmailed, but you might need a compromise for the future.

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She lived with her mother up to the age of 12, she got her a mobile when she was 5.

Unheard of back then, I was not pleased, but these days kids get mobiles at a very young age.

I do not pay for her contract, she pays via her spending money, which she used to get; or from the money she earns working at her Saturday job.

 

In that case I'd say that you need to back down this time. You give her money to learn to use it responsibly, if that means spending it on her phone then what's the problem?

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In that case I'd say that you need to back down this time. You give her money to learn to use it responsibly, if that means spending it on her phone then what's the problem?

 

The thing is, with the WI-FI its 100% free and unlimited, which is not good when she has the odd day off school.

In bed, on phone, all day. Her attendance is over 80%, but it should be way over 90%

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what do the school say about her attendance? Id have thought it should be 95%.

If she gets it up to that and does her homework/ keeps her grades etc then i wouldnt worry. Why is her attendance so low? Do the school notice?

 

Whats your daughters view?

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Change the password if she's off 'sick' so she can't use the WiFi?

 

Good luck getting her home though.

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The thing is, with the WI-FI its 100% free and unlimited, which is not good when she has the odd day off school.

In bed, on phone, all day. Her attendance is over 80%, but it should be way over 90%

I can't get my head around this.

If she's chronically ill, then you have my sympathies.

 

You seem to accept "the odd day off". I wouldn't, but that's me.

 

Are you, the school and the EWO working together to sort this?

 

Not only is she missing an education, but she's never going to hold down a job later in life if she feels she can be absent.

 

Unless there are issues at school (eg bullying), then she cannot opt just to have a day off. If there are issues, it needs sorting. Being "not the academic type" is also no reason for bunking off school

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The thing is, with the WI-FI its 100% free and unlimited, which is not good when she has the odd day off school.

In bed, on phone, all day. Her attendance is over 80%, but it should be way over 90%

 

The phone has nothing to do with her attendance though. You're right, it should probably be at like 98% or something, so don't let her not go to school.

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