My 15 yr old has run away

[TJC1 10]

My daughter has just turned 16 so I can sympathise with what you are going through. My daughter has also tried to take control thinking she has all these rights and powers... but I soon put her straight and I suggest you do the same. At 15/16 it isn't practical or legal to lock them up but it doesn't mean you are powerless. I suggest you introduce your daughter to some of the realities of life.

 

For starters, that phone of hers' is contractually in your name and is therefore YOURS to do with as you wish - you don't have to put credit on it, charge it up, lend it to her, upgrade it or whatever.

 

Then move on to the electricity. It is YOURS and you need to make it clear that she may only use it with your permission. She can forget about watching TV, listening to music, using the hairdryer, the computer etc... unless you say so. You literally have power over the power.

 

Remind her that the chocolate, sweets and soft drinks you buy are YOURS and it is entirely up to you who you give them to. She will no doubt be shocked to learn that hydration only through water is not deemed 'neglect'.

 

You may also wish to point out that parents are not obliged to provide new designer label clothing. It may be 'social suicide' in her circles to wear second hand clothes but social services really don't consider it to be a form of child abuse. A low-cost full wardrobe makeover is within our parental gift... think on that girl!

 

Remove all the option extras you provide out of love and tell her she can earn them back by simply showing respect, helping out when asked, behaving in a way that is acceptable to you and getting her ungrateful backside home. No doubt your daughter will argue (as mine did) that all these things amount to 'blackmail' or 'slavery' but she'll quickly realise that this assessment is as erroneous as her behaviour. We are the parents and we have the power!

 

Good luck.

 

This is not the way the way to deal with difficult teenagers.

 

---------- Post added 13-10-2015 at 07:33 ----------

 

My 15 yr old daughter has run away to stay at her best friends.

 

After a disagreement over a mobile phone. I have had a talk with school today, and they are arranging another meeting with myself and my daughter tomorrow, it started on Thursday.

I have been told that if I phone the police, they will go and get her, but that is after our meeting tomorrow.

What is she refuses, will the police use force? She is rather stubborn.

 

Assertain the root cause, communication is key. Many 15 year olds are fairly grown up.

[Zamo 10]

Literally the worst advice in the world.

You think that humiliating her and turning her into an outcast will get her back?

 

So teaching her that she is not in charge, doesn't have a 'right' to everything she takes for granted and that having tantrums isn't the way to get what you want aren't useful life lessons?

 

If she feels embarrassed, then so she should. If she showed some humility then that would be a great start - perhaps even start the return of some privileges when she offers an apology. As for making her an 'outcast', I think you're being the drama queen now. As parents we have a duty to offer our children guidance as they enter adulthood. Her sense of entitlement is mistaken, less than endearing and needs correcting. Feet stamping is also a poor real-world tactic for trying to control people and extort what you want from them. These are lessons best learnt at 15 than in adulthood.

 

Just my opinion though. What is your advice?

[TJC1 10]

Literally the worst advice in the world.

You think that humiliating her and turning her into an outcast will get her back?

 

I agree. But if you look at zamos other posts its at least consistently reactionary.

 

---------- Post added 13-10-2015 at 07:42 ----------

 

My 15 yr old daughter has run away to stay at her best friends.

 

After a disagreement over a mobile phone. I have had a talk with school today, and they are arranging another meeting with myself and my daughter tomorrow, it started on Thursday.

I have been told that if I phone the police, they will go and get her, but that is after our meeting tomorrow.

What is she refuses, will the police use force? She is rather stubborn.

 

Id speak to the parents. Speak to your child. Dont be angry about it, as its what some teenagers do.

its not a sleight on yourself so dont take it personally. Theres a lot of unruly hormones involved.

 

 

Unless of course you have done something to cause the upset?

 

Either way you got to look at the root cause.

[Zamo 10]

I agree. But if you look at zamos other posts its at least consistently reactionary.

 

Id speak to the parents. Speak to your child. Dont be angry about it, as its what some teenagers do.

its not a sleight on yourself so dont take it personally. Theres a lot of unruly hormones involved.

 

Unless of course you have done something to cause the upset?

 

Either way you got to look at the root cause.

 

And if she still refuses to come home until her phone demands are met?

 

I don't understand why people would recommend that a parent cedes power and control to a 15 year old and reward inappropriate behaviour? Emotional blackmail is not only selfish but it doesn't get you very far in the real world and the sooner she learns that the better. Just because it is 'normal' teenage behaviour doesn't mean you don't need to stand up to it.

[TJC1 10]

And if she still refuses to come home until her phone demands are met?

 

I don't understand why people would recommend that a parent cedes power and control to a 15 year old and reward inappropriate behaviour? Emotional blackmail is not only selfish but it doesn't get you very far in the real world and the sooner she learns that the better. Just because it is 'normal' teenage behaviour doesn't mean you don't need to stand up to it.

 

its not about maintaining power and control. Its about person management. A stubborn teenagers only going to rebel and resist.

 

---------- Post added 13-10-2015 at 08:02 ----------

 

And if she still refuses to come home until her phone demands are met?

 

He said a disagreement. We dont know what that entails.

Sometimes you just got to let 15 year olds get it out of their system as very minor things can seem big to them.

[lazarus 68]

Seems your Daughter rules the roost.

[BarryRiley 10]

Id speak to the parents. Speak to your child. Dont be angry about it, as its what some teenagers do.

its not a sleight on yourself so dont take it personally. Theres a lot of unruly hormones involved.

 

 

Unless of course you have done something to cause the upset?

 

Either way you got to look at the root cause.

 

In an ideal world this would work but you're not talking to a fully developed adult with the ability to make decisions using foresight and reasoning to the level we do.

 

Sometimes teenagers need discipline and boundaries, not just someone to sit them down and talk nicely to them about how what they are doing is really upsetting you. You may think that Zamo's response is over the top, but yours is just the other side of the same coin. I've seen plenty of ineffectual parents in my time working with children who think everything can be fixed with a sit down, a talk and a nice cup of tea and then wonder why their kids are walking all over them.

 

I'm not saying the answer is screaming in your child's face and throwing your weight around, but it's also not treating them like an adult who has an equal partnership with you on rules and decisions because they're not - they're teenagers.

[Zamo 10]

its not about maintaining power and control. Its about person management. A stubborn teenagers only going to rebel and resist.

 

You didn't answer the question. If she still refuses to come home unless her phone demands are met - and of course Cid agrees not to be so insubordinate again - then what? What is your 'person management' tactic?

[Gamston 10]

Zamo's comments are spot on . Clearly El Cid is a poor parent for allowing this situation to occur in the first place .

[BarryRiley 10]

Zamo's comments are spot on . Clearly El Cid is a poor parent for allowing this situation to occur in the first place .

 

I think that's a somewhat harsh comment without knowing the facts. There are plenty of children with behavioural problems who simply *can't* behave, not matter what you do to them within your power. I'm not saying this is the norm, it's not, but it's not as simple as 'bad child = bad parents'.

[TJC1 10]

You didn't answer the question. If she still refuses to come home unless her phone demands are met - and of course Cid agrees not to be so insubordinate again - then what? What is your 'person management' tactic?

 

Said my 'tactics'. Basically I take everything you said and do the exact opposite.

 

---------- Post added 13-10-2015 at 08:44 ----------

 

In an ideal world this would work but you're not talking to a fully developed adult with the ability to make decisions using foresight and reasoning to the level we do.

 

Sometimes teenagers need discipline and boundaries, not just someone to sit them down and talk nicely to them about how what they are doing is really upsetting you. You may think that Zamo's response is over the top, but yours is just the other side of the same coin. I've seen plenty of ineffectual parents in my time working with children who think everything can be fixed with a sit down, a talk and a nice cup of tea and then wonder why their kids are walking all over them.

 

I'm not saying the answer is screaming in your child's face and throwing your weight around, but it's also not treating them like an adult who has an equal partnership with you on rules and decisions because they're not - they're teenagers.

 

Youre underestimating how mature and willful many 15 year old girls can be. Of course kids need discipline but thats mainly BEFORE they become young adults. It doesnt start at 15 In some random manner.

 

the girls in a safe place, thats the main thing.

 

---------- Post added 13-10-2015 at 08:45 ----------

 

Zamo's comments are spot on . Clearly El Cid is a poor parent for allowing this situation to occur in the first place .

 

Bit harsh. Some kids are stubborn.

 

---------- Post added 13-10-2015 at 08:46 ----------

 

Seems your Daughter rules the roost.

 

Isnt that life?

All women like to rule the roost! The trick is to make them feel like they are winning and get your own way anyway!

[Gamston 10]

I think that's a somewhat harsh comment without knowing the facts. There are plenty of children with behavioural problems who simply *can't* behave, not matter what you do to them within your power. I'm not saying this is the norm, it's not, but it's not as simple as 'bad child = bad parents'.

 

I have seen all the facts I need know in order to make a judgement about El Cid. The person is an absolute disgrace . Instead of bringing back the 15 year old from a stranger's house , El Cid starts a thread on an internet forum seeking sympathy , makes comments about meetings at school and the police .

 

Yes, bad children are the consequence of bad parenting . El Cid is a bad parent = 15 year old brat