How to start again in your 50's

[Dear Forum... 10]

I'm a 55 year old Woman and I need to start my life over again, but I really don't know where to start.

 

My Children are grown and have left home, the last one left last year and is living across the country, I miss them terribly to go from seeing them every day to now 4 times a year really hurts .

I spend all of my day alone in the house, I have very little family just one sibling they have their own life work and live at the other side of the city so I see very little of them, I have only one real friend who I never see and hardly hear from now.

There is a partner of 8 years who stays with me part of the time, but that is not so good either, he suffers from work related stress and really has no time or interest in me any more doesn't even want to talk to me much, in fact I am pretty sure that I am just a Mother replacement for him, he even jokingly says that to me, there is no sex life, cuddles or real affection and I am very unhappy, but this is the only person that I see on a regular basis so its so hard for me to call it a day I just hang on hoping that things will get better.

I would love to go back to work but health problems prevent me doing so I have arthritis and cant stand for long or walk far, I have applied for voluntary roles which I would be able to do but it never gets me anywhere and up to now have not even had a reply, I would do any work just to get me out of the house and to have some company but I am afraid that I wouldn't be well enough or reliable enough for paid work.

 

I am desperately lonely and it has made me ill and depressed, I cannot even sleep at night I feel so upset and stressed because of the loneliness and hopelessness that I feel.

 

Of course I know that some people will want to sneer at me and my lack of motivation I suppose that they have never felt the way that I do and wont understand, after a lifetime of making a family and a life it has all dwindled down to nothing, all for nothing. Yes I'm sorry for myself so what I hope to get from this is some ideas of ways to change things or perhaps some positive stories that might give me just a little hope or a boost.

[barleycorn 10]

It can't be a good situation to be in. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Getting out and joining a few clubs will help you meet new people and make friends.

 

I would also have a word with your partner, he either shapes up or show him the door.

 

jb

[discodown 11]

My dad died 7 years ago and my mum was bereft. All she ever knew was gone. She was in her 60's. She was ill, depressed, lonely, heartbroken and guilty because she told them to turn the life support system off (she didn't actually have any choice, they would have done it anyway but thats a whole different thread)

 

Today she's living in another town with a new partner, new friends, a new social life. It can be done. I'm not saying its easy or its a case of pull yourself together. But it can be done if you can find a way. I hope you can find something or someway to find a way to make yourself happy again.

[hyper 10]

I would also have a word with your partner, he either shapes up or show him the door.

 

jb

Possibly a bit harsh, given we know nothing about him. He may be ill. She has already said he is stressed at work - maybe he cannot leave this job, but needs the money. Maybe her depression is rubbing off on him. Lots of maybe's there ... We cannot judge on so little info.

[geared 305]

Is it not possible to move house and relocate closer to your children?

[SportsTrophy 10]

Hi, sorry you are feeling the way you do and I am sure you are not on your own with those feelings. Have a look what you can do to get his and your mojo back.

 

Try little things that put you on the edge of your comfort zone and do some form of exercise even if its cleaning or decorating. A short mid day walk will get you moving and thinking.

[rickiethecat 10]

I'm not normally a fan of self help books but a couple of friends I know have recommended this book for when you're stuck in a rut and need to get out of it.

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Change-Your-Life-Seven-Days/dp/0593066618

 

Be warned though that, as one reviewer says, "What Paul aims to do is simply empower YOU to change YOUR life, no one else can, will, or should, do it for you. Nowhere does the author promise that he'll do all the work for you - if only life were that easy. All I can say is if you dedicate a little time (and regularly) to his techniques as well as listening to the CD, you will see the changes you are looking for."

[Janus 28]

I will share with you details my own coping mechanisms or system- whatever we want to call it.

 

From your post, it seems that “your world” has been built almost entirely around your family. Now that your family has “gone” your world has gone too, or that is how you see it. How you feel is very understandable. I’m sure you must feel that you are in a very dark place right now- who wouldn’t in your situation. But, while ever you are willing to seek help (like you have done here) there is hope beyond that very dark place.

 

It is very understandable that you are feeling depressed. As a first step, I would advise making an appointment to see your GP. (It does not necessarily mean having to go on anti-depressants). A few counselling sessions can work wonders, and can help part the dark clouds so that we can put things in perspective.

 

While arranging the above and waiting for appointments, make a list of all the situations that can be “first steps” in putting you into contact with other people. Start with very simple things. Going to the paper shop, and just saying hello and engaging in conversation about the weather. Something I do is go in to town, get a sandwich and a coffee, and book on the library computers for an hour instead of sitting at home alone on my pc. I mingle with strangers on the bus, in town, in the library and in the sandwich shop! No big deal, but I end up speaking with a lot more people than I if I had not left the house. In other words, create opportunities by engaging in mundane unconnected irrelevant situations and watch what happens.

 

As you progress, try to build on all of these first steps. Try to give your day a sense of proportion, i.e. up, breakfast, tidy round for an hour then out. Mondays & Wednesdays are late nights at the library, so I tend to choose those days of the week to go there. Sometimes a day in Doncaster or Barnsley-anything to just get yourself out of the house. As you start moving again, begin to look at clubs, societies and events in the areas. Please try to make the small steps now, before the dark nights and shorter day arrive. Feel uncomfortable, then do it regardless

 

Also, have a look here:

http://www.sheffieldhelpyourself.org.uk/

[lebomb 10]

Why not join the Wonderful Women Social Group to give your social life a boost. They have a range of activites such as drinks/meals out, dance classes, trips to the theatre, walks, book club and loads more

[rickiethecat 10]

Why not join the Wonderful Women Social Group to give your social life a boost. They have a range of activites such as drinks/meals out, dance classes, trips to the theatre, walks, book club and loads more

 

She doesn't say anything about wanting to become a lesbian!

 

Surely there are social groups in Sheffield that welcome both men and women that don't discriminate against people because of their sex?

[Maz3 10]

 

Surely there are social groups in Sheffield that welcome both men and women that don't discriminate against people because of their sex?

 

Yes there are, but there have always been single sex social groups as well, for those that want them (although personally I'm not keen). It's not illegal and not just for gay folk, you know!

 

It's easy to say, but I think finding some type of occupation/work you enjoy and/or are good at is key to building confidence and making friendships. A visit to the Circle centre, on Rockingham St, to look at volunteering opportunities might be a starting point.

[tzijlstra 11]

I too would recommend volunteering, I used to 'employ' over a dozen volunteers in my school library back in the Netherlands. It provided a great opportunity for the (mainly) ladies to meet like-minded people and have a place to come to if they wanted a chat. Many of hem, over time, became good friends and a group of three (I used to call them the terrors) started doing days out and the like when their kids flew the nest, they still go on holiday together ten years later.