Relationship going round in circles

[Boothybabe 10]

There is the security aspect of this as I'm comfortable and it's a daunting thought of having to pack up and move out

I care a lot about him and financially I'm in a much better position than he is, I don't like to think of him being in the house alone, 4 tv channels (I pay for sky) only his mobile (he said before he can't afford the landline as I pay for it)

I will worry about him affording the rent on his own and I wouldn't want to feel responsible if he lost the house

 

Not sure about the brother and sister thing, you sound more like his mother, or maybe his carer.

[autumn 10]

He sounds very selfish to me but we are only hearing your side of the story .Is he happy with the situation ,does he ever discuss your relationship ? There has to be give and take in any relationship for it to work .It sounds as if he isn't interested in sharing responsibility . What does he bring to the situation ,sounds like you pay more than your fair share which is ok as long as he does his fair share in other ways . i think the lack of intimacy is telling you something ,either he isn't for you or the situation is making you depressed . You could go to relate on your own ,have a couple of sessions it may help you make up your mind .No matter what something has to change ,don't waste your life !

[Super Hans 10]

Here we go, marriage gets a bit rocky and you jump ship. Does nobody believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore?

 

You've been together 16 years! You shouldn't have got married in the first place.

[Anna B 1,401]

41 is still young. Leaving is scary, but also empowering. Do you have friends for support?

But remember you'll have to cut your own hedges.

[medusa 16]

Here we go, marriage gets a bit rocky and you jump ship. Does nobody believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore?

 

You've been together 16 years! You shouldn't have got married in the first place.

 

And of course, it's so easy to go back and change that now, isn't it?

 

My honest answer is that if he's not prepared to work on things that leaves you with a choice- stay or go.

 

Staying will mean accepting his issues and all of the things that annoy and frustrate you and will also mean that you are aware that you are choosing to accept them and you therefore need to work on yourself in whatever way that is necessary to curb your frustration and annoyance moving forwards.

 

Only you know whether you have enough love and trust to do that. Familiarity and security are not good enough justifications as they will just land you back to this same decision in future.

 

Going will mean a whole load of upheaval, heartbreak and upset, along with self blame for being the one who ended things.

 

I made the break from an abusive marriage only when I was sure that my mental health would be detrimentally affected if I tried to stay, and in retrospect I wish I'd done it earlier, but at the time I felt I needed to go through all of the possible chances to improve things because I did believe that I'd married for life. The nail in the coffin was his adultery in the end, confirming to me that I could no longer stay married to him.

 

Your situation is yours alone and nobody else can make up your mind for you. I hope you find peace with your way forwards through this

[skinz 10]

Here we go, marriage gets a bit rocky and you jump ship. Does nobody believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore?

 

You've been together 16 years! You shouldn't have got married in the first place.

 

Thanks granddad.

 

And of course, it's so easy to go back and change that now, isn't it?

 

My honest answer is that if he's not prepared to work on things that leaves you with a choice- stay or go.

 

Staying will mean accepting his issues and all of the things that annoy and frustrate you and will also mean that you are aware that you are choosing to accept them and you therefore need to work on yourself in whatever way that is necessary to curb your frustration and annoyance moving forwards.

 

Only you know whether you have enough love and trust to do that. Familiarity and security are not good enough justifications as they will just land you back to this same decision in future.

 

Going will mean a whole load of upheaval, heartbreak and upset, along with self blame for being the one who ended things.

 

I made the break from an abusive marriage only when I was sure that my mental health would be detrimentally affected if I tried to stay, and in retrospect I wish I'd done it earlier, but at the time I felt I needed to go through all of the possible chances to improve things because I did believe that I'd married for life. The nail in the coffin was his adultery in the end, confirming to me that I could no longer stay married to him.

 

Your situation is yours alone and nobody else can make up your mind for you. I hope you find peace with your way forwards through this

 

[J's Mum 10]

It is difficult as I don't want to feel like I've given up on him after 16 yrs but he seems to want it all his way

He wants to go out together but only on his terms to his places at his time

 

Thanks to everyone who has commented it's good to see other peoples perspectives

[johnmb 10]

It is difficult as I don't want to feel like I've given up on him after 16 yrs but he seems to want it all his way

He wants to go out together but only on his terms to his places at his time

 

Thanks to everyone who has commented it's good to see other peoples perspectives

 

Maybe you should look at it more in terms of trying for 16 years.

[tinfoilhat 11]

It is difficult as I don't want to feel like I've given up on him after 16 yrs but he seems to want it all his way

He wants to go out together but only on his terms to his places at his time

 

Thanks to everyone who has commented it's good to see other peoples perspectives

 

You know you should leave, and you probably knew that before you joined the forum. But knowing and doing are two completely different things. What sort of support do you have? Other family? Friends who aren't also his friends? If you have, get gone. You've a job and could no doubt get a house/flat or something quite easily.

 

He will manage. He'll have to.

[J's Mum 10]

I do have friends but I don't like to put on them, my family is really just my mum but she's terminally ill so I look after her

It's such a hard decision to make but he won't go to counselling, he says he doesn't want to muddle on but isn't willing to compromise

[tinfoilhat 11]

I do have friends but I don't like to put on them, my family is really just my mum but she's terminally ill so I look after her

It's such a hard decision to make but he won't go to counselling, he says he doesn't want to muddle on but isn't willing to compromise

 

This sounds blunter than it means to be, but if you have terminally ill mother I'd stay where you are. As it stands you have a roof over your head, a partner who isn't the greatest catch ever but (as far as I can see) isn't knocking you about or anything - he likes a drink and is a lazy slob. Imagine leaving him and all that brings then the worst happening to your mum, who as she's terminal it could happen (you'll know that score better than me). Either one is a lot to cope with - both at the same time would be a tremendous amount to cope with.

[J's Mum 10]

Tinfoil hat

I know where your coming from with that and it isn't blunt at all. Mum has lung cancer and has had for 2 years now so she's doing well. I have thought about this side of things and it is difficult, my other thought is that I stay and mum passes but then my husband is 59-60 and I then feel it's not fair to leave him at his age