Jump to content

Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

Recommended Posts

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man exclaims, "I don’t have the hiccups! My wife does!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It's the wife's birthday so I got her a new bag and a belt...
The vacuum cleaner should be as good as new once she's fitted them...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
After attending two Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I'd like to share my experience in the hope that it will benefit others.
Take your own cans 'cos they'll only have tea and soft drinks on offer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Fourty gypsies arrived at heaven's pearly gates.
St. Peter said "we've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in".
Five minutes later St. Peter says to God. "They've gone".
God says, "What, all 40!?"
St. Peter says, "No... the gates!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Local police are hunting the kniting needle nutter - he has stabbed six people up the arse in the last 48 hours - police believe he is following some kind of pattern !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q, What's the difference between a market trader and a dachshund?

A. The market trader bawls his wares out on the pavement.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've just discovered after looking at some old family photographs, that I must have owned a camera with the fastest shutter speed ever.

 

It was a picture of my ex- mother-in -law , with her mouth CLOSED!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two nuns in a bath.  One says to the other, "Where's the soap?"   

"Yes",  says the other, "It does, doesn't it?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
Checked my mother-in-law into Dignitas last night, and spent the last few hours with her recounting a selection of memories and flicking through some old photo's of happier times.
As the name implies, all's very calm and peaceful there, but I confess I was a little surprised at breakfast to find that Cheerios was the suggested cereal...
 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 

We would now like to play Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" for you, or as it's better known these days, "Your call is important to us..." 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is erect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Pope was visiting Liverpool on his "round the world miracles" tour.

 

Little Billy managed to fight his way on to the stage and asked 

"Can you help with my hearing, please?"

The Pope smiled at him, beckoned him to come forward, and covered Billy's ears with his outstretched palms.

The Pope looked heavenwards, and quietly spoke a few words in Latin.

A few minutes passed before the Pope removed his hands.

"So, my child, how is your hearing now?"

Billy stared at him, a little confused....

"I don't know...it's not until Thursday...."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.