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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man exclaims, "I don’t have the hiccups! My wife does!"

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It's the wife's birthday so I got her a new bag and a belt...
The vacuum cleaner should be as good as new once she's fitted them...

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After attending two Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I'd like to share my experience in the hope that it will benefit others.
Take your own cans 'cos they'll only have tea and soft drinks on offer.

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Fourty gypsies arrived at heaven's pearly gates.
St. Peter said "we've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in".
Five minutes later St. Peter says to God. "They've gone".
God says, "What, all 40!?"
St. Peter says, "No... the gates!"

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Local police are hunting the kniting needle nutter - he has stabbed six people up the arse in the last 48 hours - police believe he is following some kind of pattern !

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Q, What's the difference between a market trader and a dachshund?

A. The market trader bawls his wares out on the pavement.

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I've just discovered after looking at some old family photographs, that I must have owned a camera with the fastest shutter speed ever.

 

It was a picture of my ex- mother-in -law , with her mouth CLOSED!

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Two nuns in a bath.  One says to the other, "Where's the soap?"   

"Yes",  says the other, "It does, doesn't it?"

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Checked my mother-in-law into Dignitas last night, and spent the last few hours with her recounting a selection of memories and flicking through some old photo's of happier times.
As the name implies, all's very calm and peaceful there, but I confess I was a little surprised at breakfast to find that Cheerios was the suggested cereal...
 
 

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"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 

We would now like to play Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" for you, or as it's better known these days, "Your call is important to us..." 

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