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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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Why did the blind man fall down a well?

Because he couldn't see that well...

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Posted (edited)

The other night, just poured my 8th lockdown whisky of the night. 

 

My wife looks at me & says, "Think it's about time we address the elephant in the room, don't you?" 

 

I said to her, "Shuuuuuuussssh! Jumbo over there can hear you!" 

Edited by Baron99

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I've heard mention that the Govt have instructed us to keep 2 metres apart?

 

This is ridiculous.  I now have no gas or electric!

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18 minutes ago, Baron99 said:

I've heard mention that the Govt have instructed us to keep 2 metres apart?

 

This is ridiculous.  I now have no gas or electric!

That's shocking  Mr. B.

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Before the virus struck, I used to cough to hide my farts, now i fart to hide my coughs. 

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I was in the  post office today and 2 blokes came running in wearing masks. TOTAL PANIC!

 

Then they said ''This is a robbery'' and we all calmed down.

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Bloke being shown around a Zoo.

Keeper showed him a French Loaf in one cage and a Tiger Loaf in't other.

Apparently they were Bread in Captivity.

 

(Tony Blackburn - last Saturday morning so don't blame me although it did make me chuckle)

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Posted (edited)

There's just been a massive Cabinet re-shuffle.  Here are the main players in UK politics:

 

Prime Minister - Dominic Cummings  

Chancellor - Dominic Cummings

Foreign Sec - Dominic Cummings

Home Sec - Dominic Cummings

Education - Dominic Cummings

Defence - Dominic Cummings 

No 10 Cat - Dominic Cummings

 

(I'll not take the credit, it was my brother, Liam.)

Edited by Baron99

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On 29/04/2020 at 20:31, nikki-red said:

Why did the blind man fall down a well?

Because he couldn't see that well...

Q - Why did the man with poor eye sight drive his car to a beauty spot?

 

A  - Because there was nothing in the rules that said he couldn't !

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Fellas remember! 

 

If your wife or partner is going to leave you, try and make it so that  she leaves the house at 8PM on a Thursday with her cases packed.  That way, it'll looks as though all the street hates her as well.

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A man goes into a restaurant.  He looks at the menu & says to the waiter, "I'll have the octopus." 

 

The waiter replies, "Thank you sir but just to warn you, you'll have to wait 4 & a half hours." 

 

"4 & a half hours?" The customer snaps back. "Why the long wait? 

 

The waiter replies, "Well sir, we cook them alive & they keep turning the gas off!" 

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How to tell a proper joke:  re Baron...

 

…………… PARKING OFFICERS FUNERAL...………...

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground, a voice from inside screams " I'm not dead, I'm not dead, let me out"...

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his clenched teeth, and mutters,

To f***king late pal, I've already done the paperwork...

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