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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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2 minutes ago, Rockers rule said:

there's no F in Rubbish - but that was - LOL

Agreed. 

The country is in a bad enough state as it is, and Baron just makes it worse 😑

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Newspaper Squares Hanging on the Toilet Door.

Us Oldies Have Seen it all Before,
A Devastating Flu after a Brutal War.
Modern Times & its Just the Same,
No Toilet Rolls & my A***'s a Flame

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Posted (edited)

I was thinking back to my favourite childhood games.  One was knocking on people's front doors & scarpering.  Knock & run we called it. 

 

Good to see it's still a favourite today; only now it's called Parcelforce. 

Edited by Baron99

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My neighbour was rushed to hospital yesterday with COVID-19. 

 

He was put on one of the new Dyson ventilators.  I've heard he's picking up nicely. 

 

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9 hours ago, Baron99 said:

My neighbour was rushed to hospital yesterday with COVID-19. 

 

He was put on one of the new Dyson ventilators.  I've heard he's picking up nicely. 

 

 

Baron your jokes get worse, Here's a proper one.

5 people on a plane what's about to crash,

Donald Trump,

The Pope,

Nicola Sturgen,

Boris Johnson.

A 10yr old schoolboy,

There are only 4 parachutes.

Trump says I'm the most powerful man on earth,grabs a chute and jumps.

The Pope says I'm the leader of all catholics, grabs a chute and jumps,

Nicola Sturgen says I'm the smartest woman in Scotland, grabs a chute and jumps..

Boris says to the 10yr old boy, you take the last chute I've had a good life,

The boy says, don't worry, that smartest woman in Scotland grabbed my school satchel and jumped.

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13 hours ago, Padders said:

Baron your jokes get worse, Here's a proper one.

5 people on a plane what's about to crash,

Donald Trump,

The Pope,

Nicola Sturgen,

Boris Johnson.

A 10yr old schoolboy,

There are only 4 parachutes.

Trump says I'm the most powerful man on earth,grabs a chute and jumps.

The Pope says I'm the leader of all catholics, grabs a chute and jumps,

Nicola Sturgen says I'm the smartest woman in Scotland, grabs a chute and jumps..

Boris says to the 10yr old boy, you take the last chute I've had a good life,

The boy says, don't worry, that smartest woman in Scotland grabbed my school satchel and jumped.

😁

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A woman tells her drunk of a husband that if he comes home drunk once more she will leave him, that evening he goes out on the lash and has so much to drink that he’s sick all down his suit, he tells his mate his dilemma, his mate says put a £20 in the inside pocket and when your wife finds the suit and looks through the pockets tell her its from the bloke who puked on you to cover the cost of dry cleaning. The bloke is so sozzled that he accidentally puts 2 £20’s in his inside pocket.

Next day his wife screams out what happened to your suit, did you get drunk again, no he says, someone puked on me and gave me £20 to cover the dry cleaning cost,  it’s in the inside pocket, she looks in and pulls out 2 notes, so whats the other one then, oh he says thats from the guy who shat in my pants

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Posted (edited)

A bloke says to his wife, "You know that nurse outfit you keep hidden at the back of the wardrobe for SPECIAL occasions?  Fancy getting it out & putting it on? 

 

Wife: "Hmmm.  You feeling a bit frisky then?" 

 

Bloke:  "No.I want you to pop down Sainsbury's, we've run out of bread!" 

Edited by Baron99

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I saw Paul Chuckle in Sainsbury's today.  We were in the same narrow shopping Isle, heading towards each other, so I shouted out to him;

 

"Oi Chuckle!  Two meter, to you." 

 

 

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One for all the muso's out there....

 

Dear Agony Aunt Abby -

I think my wife is cheating on me.

I'm a working musician and travel a lot, and recently strange things have been happening when I get home.

Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it, or says 'I'll call back later'.

Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner.

I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A mate of mine plays guitar in a band.

He told me that my wife and some guy have been going to his gigs. He also wanted to borrow my guitar amp.

That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was happening.

I said that he could use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with.

He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind my half-stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat from the back of my amp.

Crouching down behind my Marshall, I noticed one of the power stage valves wasn't glowing as brightly as the others.

Is this something I can fix myself, or do I need to take it to a technician?
Yours concerned, Sheffield

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Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 9pm.

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20 years of therapy and now it's OK to wash my hands every 20 minutes.

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