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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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special new year giveaway! hundreds of batteries. completely free of charge.

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From the Rotherham Advertiser:

 

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

 

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

 

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her buttocks to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire. ”Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.

 

The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.” Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

 

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.” But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

 

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an buttocks inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

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My father was regularly having sex at 88, which was great for him as he lived at No.94

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Female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

 

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

 

"For about 60 years."

 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

 

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

 

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

 

 

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."

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RIP Ronnie Corbett.

 

I've lit four candles for him.

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Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.

While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"

"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."

Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.

"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."

 

---------- Post added 12-05-2017 at 15:06 ----------

 

We sat with tears of laughter in our eyes and as the programme ended my wife said,

 

"God that was funny, when is it on again? "

 

"I don't know about the Conservatives, " I replied, "but there is a Labour one on tomorrow night. "

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The wife left a note on the fridge it said its just not working so Im going to my mums for a while..funny as I opened the fridge the light came and my tinny was proper nice and cold...

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I missed the rock band Elbow's last tour but managed to see their tribute act Arse.

 

To be honest, I couldn't tell them apart.

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I said to Mr Cress “if you would have saved all the money you’ve spent over the years on cigarettes you could have had a Rolls Royce “ he said to me” you’ve never smoked have you?” I smugly answered “no” , he shouted “WHERES YOUR ********* ROLLS ROYCE THEN”.

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i, for one, like Roman numerals

 

---------- Post added 28-07-2018 at 10:14 ----------

 

How do you make a firefly happy?

 

Cut off its tail.

It'll be delighted.

 

---------- Post added 28-07-2018 at 10:14 ----------

 

The new fundraising officer at the Tate is in dire straits --- he sold a Monet for nothing and some pics for free

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Woman in a jewellers admiring a big diamond ring.

As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out, hoping no one notices she asks "how much is that one?"

 

The jeweller says "Madam if you farted when you looked at it, you will **** yourself when you hear the price".

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